Makin it on broken peices.

So this healing process is sooo much. I thought I was over all of this bullshit. But as usual feelings always interrupt your FUCKING life. I never go in to real details....but I feel like I should... This break up that lasted for a million years has broken me. Made me feel less than. Made me feel impossible to be loved. For who I am. Because who I am was what she didn't want. It annoys me. Why should this one person affect my life? The fiber of my being? So what? But it ruined me, it hurt me so deep. For weeks I had to force myself to look in the mirror and lie to myself. It took so long for me to be "okay" and reach out be myself again. I am terrified of women. Uttlerly terrified I have become a liar an a cheat. Doing things that I never would and removing my nature of kindness. Because I feel like nobody ever deserves it again. I cannot even let my guard down for a second. I think everyone is lying to me and I'm destroying any foundations before they get started. Because of this last experience I feel like it's impossible to love me. I don't know why I loved like that or allowed someone to see so much of me. To allow myself to just be free...and I feel like I was punished for that. I feel like because she couldn't love me no one will. I know that one day someone will come but I'm so terrified of being myself around someone that I will probably miss the opportunity...because I would rather be lonely than experience the hurt that I have. I'm better now. But I need to make progress. More progress I wanna be me again. I want to be what I was before I met her. I never wanted to be this person . And I never wanna be this person again...

imagination

I have been slipping on my blogs, and now im back reading and writing them, but really i have been doing more reading than actual writitng, some of these blogs are compelling, like i really like to look in to someones life and actually try to duplicate the feeling that you read due to them typing it. words are amazing, and maybe that's why none of my tattoos are pictures but only words because i feel like words describe things so much better....


heres some blogs that i read DAILY.

http://mswhitted.blogspot.com
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com
http://returnoftherandomizer.blogspot.com
http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com
http://www.sincerelydaja.com
http://akizogn.blogspot.com

Soooo on to the next subject...


casual sex?

So as of recently I have come up on a few girlies that think im pretty hot stuff.. im not going to put anyone out there like that or anything, but I do wanna say that I have never had sex outside of a relationship, or a mutual commitment up untill about a week ago. and it was so random but funny. lol. first time for everything right????

So being single and not wanting to commit or well... I don't see anything I would like to commit to... I think it's a strange concept , casual sex due to the fact that you actually don't have to care about the person that you sleep with, well just enough to do the "job" so to speak, and im really not about that, I don't like not connecting with people in that way unless its someone who can actually stay around, title or not. it was exciting... and fun... yes... but I mean.. come on.. how long can you casually sex before you get tired of this?


hence where my investigative skills kicked in. I asked my whore guy friends, and the jist of what these guys said is " im bored so i sex the ladies up, and then when im bored with that lady, I chase another"

which I mean... is fine, shit we all chase. lol. but I mean I don't wanna do all of this extra stuff to get to know a shorty and then move on and try to charm another shorty, yes i do have charm to spare and shit, but i mean come on damn.. like lol. I can't see myself just bringing girl after girl after girl after girl into my home and changing my sheets more than once a week. lmao. sorry. idk that's just my thouoght process.

At the end of the day, I mean if youre not married to someone does that constitiute as casual sex? I mean youre commited but not in the eyes of god, or a documentation does not state that you are together... maybe that is why girls go so hard on titles... I have been guilty of this as well, titles don't make things better, it jut gives someone a sense of security.... I guess.

Seeing that technology is fleeting and the fact nobody even calls anymore, its just that I honestly feel the art of communication is lost.. I find it strange that people only call when they cannot deciper a text message/bbm/facebook status or otherwise.

A girl asked me for my facebook information instead of my number, wow. isn't that strange? well to me it is...

Blah. whatever.

find your love.

sooo yeah, as of right now i am really single out here. lol.

like i didn't know i really was like single out here, like girls at work, girls all over the place, are like making themselves available and now i see why some of my friends want to not be cuffed at all. lol. but for now, im working on finding me.

because finding me is important to me, and i still have some unfinished buisness with a few people, and im still working through my motions. which soon shall make me a better person and or better mate.

but for now, immm sinngglleeee. yeah imm sinngglllleeee... lol.

but i never felt this great about being alone, and like the possiblities are limitless im like super good and just excited about the potential changes that are going to take place, i really am looking into re-location because , for some reason its something that i cannot get off my mind.

this summer is going to be the bestest. :)


I hope yours is too!

its may...

"happiness isn't something you can buy.. it's something that you just have. and i think im ready for that" -Someone cool-

I have been dong a lot of thinking latley and im thinking that I like where i am right now, but as usauly i could be doing better... well i feel like i need to do better.. in certian aspects of my life....

but none the less, one thing that i am very proud of is making "solehead of the week" on my friends blog ill drop the information and the article when it posts on friday.

so saturday i went out and had a ball... i been drinking latley with my friends, im ususally the dd, but for the most part now they have to drive me around and its been cool, im deff taking advantage of it. i never have been a drinker but i see why people find it appealing.

latley i havent been doing much. just chilling, and stuff, cause from like 19 to 23 i worked myself to death , put myself through school and all that stuff, and it was a very very stressful period of my life. and now that that stress isn't really there as much as it used to be, so i actually get to enjoy things, now like i can ride to the beach at 3 am and stare at the stars with my friends because it's what i wanna do, i can learn the guitar cause i have time to. it's fuckin awesome, and it makes me smile.. just doing what i want following my heart. and just being open to things and having fun.

and i don't know why i am sooo aggy today. i woke up and easy was making me mad. but that's another story for another day. im ready to move. like i been thinking about it more and more, and i think relocation is for me, but im terrified i don't wanna fail or come back here. i don't want to look back, i feel like i need to go and explore i feel like im limiting my potential, and now that some of my circumstances has vastly changed im really ready to go. I asked my bro if i left would she come, and im going to ask my babyy daddy ry if he wants to move too.. cause i think we all feel the same way...

my left hand hurts... and it's been for a while, i didn't go to the hospital after the crash so maybe thats why it's hurting. my leg has spazams as well.. but i hate the doctors, and don't wanna go so... i guess imma just wait untill the situation is truly dire. lol.

i cant wait for the weekend. and just writing this made me not so aggy.. lol. thanks. :)

why am. I up?

ughhhh can't stay sleep past 6am. wtf..... I'm hungry... and I thinking it's I might cook breakfast....but I'm kinda lazyyyyy...lol. so imma drink this water. and take my ass back to sleep soon....


I brought a guitar online and it finally came the other day I have Ben tuning it for the past two days. and it finally sounds good not like crappy... yay meeeeee!

I have a book and I'm gonna see if I have time. to actually go to lessons. cause I wanna learn oh and I wanna buy myself a trumpet again. I used to play it. now might be a good time. to pick it back up.... I saw a purple one online ...

and I'm watching vh 1 Angel Taylor is kinda cuteeee. owwww. lol.

please

whyyyyy the fuck is. it snowing in MAY. Anyways...I think I'm sick cinee said I'm sick lol but how would she know? she's a Not doctor lol wtffff...this android blogger don't. correct shitttttt and I cant spell..lol. goodmorning mufuckas.

im at work part 2.

yeah im at fucking work. work work work work work work. ugh.

i feel like my head is going to explode. there is so much going on with me. im trying my best to move out of my past in to the present and build myself a future. but Im terrified change is good. my brain hurts. i haven't done this much thinking in a while. im genuinely torn with my feelings and emotions uhhh... i just need a vacation. ugh. lol.



hey easy...

this is easy like the staples button. :)