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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Makin it on broken peices.

So this healing process is sooo much. I thought I was over all of this bullshit. But as usual feelings always interrupt your FUCKING life. I never go in to real details....but I feel like I should... This break up that lasted for a million years has broken me. Made me feel less than. Made me feel impossible to be loved. For who I am. Because who I am was what she didn't want. It annoys me. Why should this one person affect my life? The fiber of my being? So what? But it ruined me, it hurt me so deep. For weeks I had to force myself to look in the mirror and lie to myself. It took so long for me to be "okay" and reach out be myself again. I am terrified of women. Uttlerly terrified I have become a liar an a cheat. Doing things that I never would and removing my nature of kindness. Because I feel like nobody ever deserves it again. I cannot even let my guard down for a second. I think everyone is lying to me and I'm destroying any foundations before they get started. Because of this last experience I feel like it's impossible to love me. I don't know why I loved like that or allowed someone to see so much of me. To allow myself to just be free...and I feel like I was punished for that. I feel like because she couldn't love me no one will. I know that one day someone will come but I'm so terrified of being myself around someone that I will probably miss the opportunity...because I would rather be lonely than experience the hurt that I have. I'm better now. But I need to make progress. More progress I wanna be me again. I want to be what I was before I met her. I never wanted to be this person . And I never wanna be this person again...

About Me

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my name is sharda' I am a student/ full time manager/ busy body. I am writing about my personal expirences, and my life, and everyone in it. and just letting you all get to know me.