she's a bit..

Intimdating.

she intimitades me, it makes me a lil uncomfortable, I jus wish I could say whatever, and be cool.but I'm so nervous about it. I'm so nervous...

Why am I so nervous? I really like her, but I guess I have been thrown in to the friend zone.. which sucks, and I'll get over it, hopefully sooner than later, Riko needs to come out... I need to get out of my shell, diamond says life is no fun for turtles, I really wish it wasn't so hard for me to do this, so hard for me to speak up...

I'm socailly akward, I don't know why.... and it bothers me when she speaks about other people, cause I wish I could just like kinda un-ravel, just be me, I wish i could really put this huge gaurd down, or these shitty ass defense mechcanisims, cause they suck mucho balls yo.

Like when they don't matter I talk, I'm cool and shit, but man this one, and the last one who made my heart skip I couldn't even figure how to say hey you mean the world to me. I wanna make you happy, ya kno???


this shit is so werid, I guess i'm coming in to my own, but geesh how long is it gonna take, for me to be a cooler individual on the dating side of things, my friends love me but i guess the shorties don't, and the way i feel maybe they should... diamond says "if the bitch don't like you then she wack" lol. she's my biggest supporter, mainey loves me too.. well all my boos love me much... I just really don't know at all how I am supposed to do this dating thing, and it seems like when i meet em, My feelings build a whole heck of a lot, and then I'm left with my feelings alone...

I dunno what I am doing wrong, and wish I could be like oh well forget it move on, that usually is my plan, to do that, but then, I just dwell and fucking ewwwwwwwwww..... what the hell... blah.. blah........

I'm hungry... I want some taco dip.. MOM! where are you when you are needed?!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!

lol....

"you cant be a turtle, turtles have no fun"

that means I need to get out of this shell, maybe show people more of me, and just be more open to things.

friends

So I don't have that many friends. and the few that I do have, I really care about, and as of recently me and my bestie have been getting in to it. Idk why, but I really do care, she was the first person to even know about my sexuality, LOL. the trips to buffalo, and the first girl I ever liked.. I miss those days, and to be honest, I miss her, a lot has changed in the past few years, and I hope that we havent changed that much for us to not be friends anymore, I just signed on to myspace... and saw her status.. and it evoked a new wave of emotion, I don't have new friends or replace the old ones, but I feel like I'm gonna be replaced soon.. and that's gonna suck, I just am not sure what to do, and I am trying to explain how and what I am doing, but for some reason.. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like by now, she should know how much our friendship means to me, but then again,maybe I am not what she needs right now, in a friend.. but who knows maybe I'm not a good friend in general. this sucks. blah.

being me...

So when I get overwhelmed.. I tend to shut down.. literally....

Stop talking.
Stop responding.
Just stop.

And yeah I know it's not cool.

But I have been doing it for 23 years...

And I'm working on changing.. I really am...

But it's proving to be difficult.

I really don't know why I do it. I jus for some reason avoid it or go head on into it... and usually I tend to avoid the important shit... and attack the unimportant shit. Blah.

Anytime I get emotional about anything.. I always shut down...

And it's usually when the shit really really really counts..

Yea.

What the fuck.

Shit.

Still an emotional. Mess.

That's it for today...

She not crazy, she jus wanna be loved..

**sorry about the laziness on the blog posts. I been busy, and kinda "into my feelings"**

tally hooo! on to the good shit

yeah.. I say that all the time, the ironic thing about love is that it does make you CRAZY! the things you do for your heart are crazy, sometimes you go above and beyond, any and everthing to make someone happy.. just because it makes your heart happy... where insecurities lie, there always seems to be problems, there always seems to be an issue and or unawnsered questions that you may never get awnsered.


People just... wanna be loved... and some people will go beyond the ends of earth to feel loved.... so sometimes, you just do stupid shit, and it makes no sense to anyone but you... you begin to relate to songs that used to make no sense to you....

but i think everyone needs to be loved, not just me you , or she, he needs to be loved too..

one of the biggest armors that you can carry is the sheild to your heart, and if you give it away then someone knows your weaknesses, your insecurities. and what could possibly break your spirit and crush you heart.

things make life easier, and somethings make life worth living, and I honestly feel like life without people that genuinely love you for you, is worthless...

AL Green makes me smile, reminds me of slow dancing in the living room with a boo... LOL.. everyone should try it..


lemme know how it turns out....

I have come to the conculsion, that I need more attention that I let on.. LOL. and that I am truly a fucking brat..

"MAybe she WAs into HEr feelinGS"
emotions are a hard thing to control.. and for a person like me, it's hard to not wear them on your sleeve.. and it's hard not to push someone away cause of my insecurities...and or issues... sometimes you wonder, if youre good enough or if you are tuly being blessed with the people that encounter your life....

so I was on the fone with a friend, and she was mad cause i didn't remeber a particular event, and I am really confused by this, cause she said: " you calimed to like me sooo much but couldn't remeber"

first.
um, just because i forgot never means I forgot about MY feelings for you, cause she know and I know that I did truly care for her...

second.
who the fuck has a perfect memory...

third.
why you trippin we was done four months ago, and when we were done, you choose and told me, that you didn't want to speak to me anymore, and you choose to contact me so what the fuck.. bitch...

fourth.
you're crazy

fifth.
That's why WE don't speak

so that's my list.


Drake... is the best artist ever, him and TREY.. make great things happen...

sincerly.
emotional. mess.


see you tommrrow

friday...

Soo it's friday.. and my brain hurts...

Myspace?

So I have noticed that ppl actually stalk other people's myspaces... you should deff talk to the person if you wanna know what's going on... not check ur friend updates.. that's pretty whack..


So I went to a party last night..and it was okay.. my friend was super drunk..and some shady shit was going on.. like whoooaaaaa.. but I hadn't been out inna while so I guess that's how mufukas get down round dese parst..smh..

drinking my emotions.

SO does anyone else do this?


when they are having a weird day they might drink or something....like now. I am super buzzed on bacardi, and trying hard to make sure my grammar is on point. I really really really got a lot on my mind, and I can see how people self medicate, sometimes, you just don't wanna talk, and or think that someone cannot understand,and or just don't wanna bring anyone down with your "problems".


but yeah. so I am watching boys don't cry... and this movie is sooo sad, it's crazy. Idk how hillary swank did this, she is so adrogenous.

I went to denny's today, and it's werid.. she's cool.. but idk, friendship is what I need right about now...

SO I need to bring the new year in right.... I gotta clean up. ttyl.

Smash in to you.

That's what's playing. I am In love with the thought of love....

The endless capacity to forgive, and to actually try to love the pain away, love the tears away, insecurities, and all of the things that make you unique, someone can actually love that like the air that they breathe.

I say all the time "she not crazy, she just wanna be loved"

man do I believe that.

Recent developments, have shown that maybe that I wanna be loved to.

Like the previous blog states, it's taken me a really long time to become who I am, I was later than others, due to god knows what, maybe fear, or just a lil slow period.

and to be honest, I kinda feel like maybe it's not in the cards for me, maybe it's the women I choose, or maybe it's something wrong with me, at the end of the day I know I am one of a kind, one person told me that I am one of a kind, and maybe I am that kind, that cannot be defined... In no way shape or form, will I be out here looking, because when you look things happen that shouldn't happen, and NO I will not rush it, but it seems as though it may not happen for a while. and maybe it's just time for me to work on me.

I do have friends, but sometimes I want an emotional conncection that I do not have with my friends, I don't wanna be someone's "boo" I just want something concrete, a unbreakable foundation.

But alas, it's not going that way. but it is life is something like a learning expirence, so I dig it, and imma keep on going.

"you break up with me everyday"

well, no I don't LOVE... I just don't know what to do about you, well about me and how I feel about you, cause you seem to be good on all of whatever is going on, and I just wish I could be as "Cool" as you. but sadly, I am an emotional scorpio... and i'm working on it, but Eventually my gaurd is going to go back up.

I guess

TRUE LIFE: I'm in love with one of my best friends, and unforunatley, cannot turn it off, while other women are persuing or showing intrest in me, which I find uncool.. what am I to do?

so what do I do?? keep up the late night chit chat? and the boos and stuff, knowing it's not going anywhere? and just keep paying attention to her, and miss out on something possibly, I mean, im not really intrested in any of them, and I am not build to be a jerk off, and date for meaningless reasons, I don't like to waste time.... and also I am one of those people who is super monogomus, so if I am into you, to me there are no other options. nobody else really matters, sad but true.. yeah.. so whatever..

hence the good on lesbians, maybe I need to figure out the glitch in my system.


being open to change, and my resoution to be open, has totally left me open. and with time all things heal, but I wonder what's next for me and this lil ole life that I lead..


I cannot wait to see..


double kisses! have a nice day...

Not really in to...

Keeping up appreances...
I say this all the time because it has taken me an exceptionally hard and long time to actually become this person..and even harder to actually be able to come out of my little shell..

I am a flawed individial.. and from what I know everyone is.. and I always admired ppl who left the raw them oyt there for the world to examine and or see...

So I don't give out false hope.. I am too emotional at times and then sometimes I am not emotional.. but as a part of my new years reslotion.. I figure no shoulda coulda wouldas... so I'm changing and evolving into a person that I wanna be. And hopefully..... somemone ... that someone else can admire.. someone who speaks like they write... from the heart... someone who loves with out abandon.. because when you love wholeheartedly.. you recive so many blessings... and so many things can be learned if you just open your mind to things...outside of your realm.. jus I wanna be a bueatiful person from the inside out..



So I hear this lil ol blog of mine is getting a bit of a buzz.. well keep reading... I like it.. and ut makes me feel better that maybe someone else can relate.. cause sometimes you think ur the only one goin thru it and ur not.. and that person may help you more than you know....

Soooo... they really like me huh? Hmmmmmmmmmmm... I might have to see how this goes.....



I had a dream...about her...last night...it was intresting...lol.. but yeah I'll save that for another day...hahhaha.

Anyways...

Back to work I go.. and I guess I can return the slew of groupie love text messages.. LOL. Blah.. too bad I'm not intrested in any of them..... but hopefully that will change... hopefully....



See you tommrow....

Still a bruised.emotional.mess....

SO. I lied

I am not okay with our "conclusion"... but..chalk it up.. move on...

I am utterly fustrated with this, maybe it's me and I'm pickin them wrong, or just something but I really really need to figure it out.. people are popping up from my past and they are horrible.. and I am just like looking at my track record and it's pretty lame.. sooo....I have decided that I am done with lesbians.. for now..

and a litany of other things that have been happening...

they are stupid, women are stupid.

and these gender roles are killing, me...

since I cut my hair, which is temporary... i been getting major love from bitches that never paid attention to me before, the groupie love is horrible.. like why i gotta cut my hair to get the bitches flowin???


so.. now they see this.. and assume that I am a "stud"




first I am just a person, just me, but I prefer feminine women, and they don't really prefer me, because some of them realize that I have super feminine traits and then choose not to date me due the fact that I am not as masucline as they think. Like cause we both wear the same type of underwear.. duh.. I am a girl... i don't wear boxers, maybe to bed over my underoos... but not often or 24-7. I am super in love with hello kitty.. and I have a hello kitty bed spread, my fave movie is Grease, and Bueaty and the beast, I have a severe affecgtion for sneakers and Disney movies... but sometimes that seems to steer the girly girls away.. yeah i wear chapstick, and sneakers, but im a girl end of the day, who likes girls, and would like for a girl to just like me, for me, a girl...

so no more shoulda coulda wouldas, but it's hard to do that when you kinda are unsure..about everything... and relalize that people find you attractive.. cause i never noticed untill not that people think im a cutie...LOL. I didn't notice that boys were remotley intrested in me untill the 11th grade.. late bloomer yes.. but hey.. whatever.. I don't understand. and I am getting in to one of those moods where I don't wanna be around anyone. and not return phone calls...ugh.. blah blah.

so bitches please leave me alone.. cause you wasn't liking my wrap.. or my lil faux hawk... so go ahead about your buisness...lol..

I am just really overwhelmed.. and don't want any space fillers, I just want someone to love me for me, like me,and to be honest, i might not find that anytime soon, and IM NOT EVEN LOOKING... ((PLEASE DON'T WRITE ANY CHEESEY ASS COMMENT, OR ANY FLUFF OR FILLER TYPE COMMENT,LOL. it will get deleted)) my eyes are stinging as I write this. and I do not like it... so bye...


see you tommrow...

good morning.. or afternoon

soooo.. I wake up and start watching this movie about vampires.. and it's super weird.. like super weird.. like i really don't understand it at all but I guess..

so me and she had a talk last night, and we have come to the clearest conclusion possible.. She sees it as impossible and I can only be okay with that. but It's gonna take time, to get to that stage where I can be just her friend... just platonic. ugh. in this case I truly hate that word. But I'm okay actually... I thought I was gonna be a mess. but I'm actually great.. I just really need to move on.. and maybe I won't keep running in to people who I like but they really don't like me back.. bad timing or something, idk, but overall I don't feel bad, or sad, I am bummed that she won't wake me up in the morning.... but .... hey lesson learned.. chalk it up.. when the universe sees it fit... I will have someone, until then, I guess I'll kick it with whomever..

this also makes me feel like I need to stay guarded.. cause maybe it's easier that way..


anywho... back to my confusing movie, and horribly boring saturday.

Return of Riko Suave?

Well for all of you who don't know..LOL..

I have an alter ego.. HIS name is Riko... Suave.. LOL.

he's pretty foul.. very smug, and very cocky.. I don't like him much. but for the most part, when he does come out, he gets results. LOL.

I thought my boo had killed him, well she did.. FORREAL.. cause she dont even know how I feel about her pint size self.. maybe one day shell read the blog.. maybe one day she'll be like, : "hey lets be eachother's boos" I doubt it....but since the boo ain't loving me.. I think he's trying to return.... and when he does. he usually ruins a lot of shit. lol.. well he definitley... be on some next shit tho..

we'll see how that works out..

so no cartoons today.. as of yet.. but I do wanna chill wit mii peeps... maybe drink and laugh with them..it's saturday! ya kno? so now it's mad early in the morning and im drinking ginger ale, thinking about cooking some fish, I think imma start my vegeterianism about now. ooohh how that fish yesterday was the LOVE OF MY DREAMS.. lmaoo ((HEEEYYYY ryan))

oh shout out to my avid reader... Rachel Caprice... thanks yo.


love you ten times infinity.....I know random. but hey it's how I feel... maybe one day she'll be like I love you back.


ooohhh so yeah.. I wanna mention my wing man.. L-Jizzle. LOL. I hate her.. LOL. but the friendship is an indescribable weird one... and I love it.... we gnna be bffl's for life.. lol. she's my dude yo.. even tho I don't like her all the time.. but hey I don't like myself sometimes... so oh well.. I guess I better start telling people that she's my friend now. lol. cause it's clear she's not going anywhere. LOL


so yeah my tummy is like ready to eat.. I think imma go down stairs and cook me sumthin to eat..


later dayzzzz...

snow..omg.. enough with the snow.

yeah. I said it. so I been trying to get away from the snow forever.. I hate the snow. uh... anyways..

so I don't wanna go to work today. it's really cold and really snowy and I can't get outta my driveway.. and it's really terrible. like odeee terrible.. so I think I wanna go tommrow. tommrow morning or something, when the plow trucks get it together. omg.. I wanna die.. it's so cold and i left my scarf in the car so i gotta go back out there. omg it's mad friggin cold out. and my ears really hurt.. I think i'm getting sick, omg...and nobody is here to take care of me! booooooooooooooo.....

Suckas for love... yeah.. me and a few of my friends.. are sukas for love.. be like hoping it's gonna work every single time... thinking we gnna be together forever. and that things are going to be great and that the fact that you love them makes all the bad shit go away.... well... um.. it doesn't happen like that... things happen for a reason, you live and you learn... and things..happen like that.. and you live and learn.. and that makes everything better.. apply it to your next boo, and or lover.. yay!

omg. cold cold cold..

why do people do the things they do?


stop fronting.... it's gets you a lot further.

I am me all day everyday, nothing more nothing less.. it's too hard to keep up apperances...be true to you. cause at the end of the day you gotta live with those decisions.

7:27 pm

soooo.. I missed the morning blog, I failed the test... I think... and now I am at work... bored... so I have some spare time so imma write...

first. lemme say.. these chicken fingers taste like ass...


second... no wake up call today.. and a littany of other things made me a lil sad... but I got a christmas card from myyyyyy SOORORRRRSSSSSS. YEAHHHH... MY SEXYYY SORROOORRRRRSSSSSSS!!! lol.. eeeeeeeeeeee-pppppiiiii! OMG I miss them alot alot.

soooo...I been getting rave reveiws on the brush cut... lol. the mami's like what dey see... I guess... LOL.

um... soooo... for the past few days my past has been deciding that it wants to pop back in. and apparently today, another one decided...They wanted to say hi.

anyway.

SO I found another word... that I am in love with


Inherent: \In*her"ent\, a. [L. inhaerens, -entis, p. pr. of inhaerere: cf. F. inh['e]rent. See Inhere.]
1.Permanently existing in something
2. inseparably attached or connected
3. naturally pertaining to

Have you ever been compelled to just do something? or just feel like something is natural? just something that you never think about just do. Yeah... I like this word.. I think imma use it often..

Like late night texts pouring your heart out. LOL. S-F-L. no bueno. LOL.

yogi bear is a crook... why he always stealing someone picinic basket? LOL

so that's it for now... hugs and forehead kisses.

Not going down without a fight..

SO.... what's up with ex-boyfriends trying to contact me all week.. SO I talked to this ex, who seemed like he was super awsome.. and he wasn't. and this was soo long ago and during this point in time, I wasn't sure about my sexuality. but he was just someone who was like kinda the perfect critera so it seemed right or fitting to date him... and I haven't spoken to him in a long time, like a really really long time, and he contacted me today, and I talked to him, and he told him about how I really like someone, and she's a girl. and he was kinda bummed, and said that I was his soulmate. and he's sorry for me doing him like that, and he was really into himself. but....


I do not care.

I am one of those people when I am done, I am done, I'm not moving backward. and i don't feel bad about anything. that happens after, because when i was there, I promise that I do try.. hence I keep trying with this girl. Cause I really want her to know that I truly care, and she means the absolute world to me...people miss what they had.. and you know I was good to you...

but um... I am watching the flinstones today... and I am really worried. about this test tommrow, I have no urge to friggin study at all. but Imma start reading soon. but the finstones just came on.. so idk I might just sit here and watch that. their kids are super cute.

I need to find somewhere to go for new years... I have a few locations in mind. but I am not sure. I am kinda broke tho. but the bus is always super cheap.... so imma see how it goes. I wonder who I want to visit... school starts back up on the fifth so idk.. i gotta figure it out soon tho..

so lets talk about the last girl that I loved...She's kinda a little bit of a jerk, she doesn't have much of a consiecne and i don't like that, but I really think we might be better as friends. maybe. we still speak, because we share a mutual activity so I am always running in to her. so I hope that maybe we can be friends....


my new years resoultion, is no girls, no meat, no cursing, and nothing negative, so that I am blessed with all positive, I even cut my hair, no perms... just me natural me, hopefully it will be long enough to loc up soon.

sooooo i want some more gshock watches, i absloutley love my gshocks, they are always one of a kind, and bangin! I want the recon joint from japan.. there is a store in atlanta that i been dying to go to. hopefully I can get there soon and buy em all up.


11:49pm ****edit****

So I am eating, a sub.. yep a turkey sub.. and I am supremely bored... We are done with the stuff at work, and when I get bored, my mind wanders, and when it wanders.... oh boy. so many things pop. up...

Profound......
Noun, Adjective, meaning:
1. penetrating or entering deeply into subjects of thought or knowledge; having deep insight or understanding: a profound thinker.
2. originating in or penetrating to the depths of one's being; profound grief.
3. being or going far beneath what is superficial, external, or obvious: profound insight.
4. of deep meaning; of great and broadly inclusive significance: a profound book.
5. pervasive or intense; thorough; complete: a profound silence.
6. extending, situated, or originating far down, or far beneath the surface: the profound depths of the ocean.

I love this word. this word means more than anyone can imagine to me. I find it captivating, because words, you remeber forever. words stick to your soul, like grits stick to your gramma's pot on a sunday morning.this word, makes me think of something that is reachable, but difficult. but sometimes, that journey that you take, makes you appriciate the things that are given to you, because in the end you are truly blessed with reciving these gifts.and as of recently i have been profoundly ungrateful of the wonderful things and people that I have in my life, each person, brings a different aspect of my life in to perspective. Each person makes me smile, each person does what the others can't and I hope you all stay for a while, I hope that we learn from each other and build something concrete,cause you are profoundly where I would like to be.....

"Idk, I just can't explain it"

so yesterday I cut all my hair off. Time to go natural, I have spoken about getting dread locks, and I am finally taking the step to do so. SO no more swanky faux hawk. just a brush cut, just raw me. and I like that, cause to me it's just hair, it's gonna grow back, but I just can't want to see the result, cant wait to see the progress. yay.... it felt so good to watch the hair hit the floor. it just made me feel a big rush of releaxation. but the wind is eating at my ears!!!

I cant explain a lot of things that I do, and sometimes i'd like to. Just explain why things aren't the way I planned, or even sometimes why the things I do make no sense. Like for instance, my mom said to me why didn't you do the dishes. and I had no absolute reason, I wanted to wash the dishes, I was home all day, but just never took the drive to wash the dishes. LOL. so you know, I was just like uh. I-D-K. and she just popped me in the back of the head and kept walking... lol.

I wish i wasn't so fascinated with how things work, and just learned how to be, like in the moment type thing, and I am learning, cause it's hard kinda for me, it's either this, or that, no or yes. but I know for a fact grey areas exist, and there are things that cannot be explained at all, it just is or just leave it be. blah.

So I ended up on the phone till about four a.m. talking and stuff. and it's just so bothersome. if i could just not care, I would be good, like totally good. But I do care alot. and it's pretty lame, Idk, if she's just non chalant about everything, but I really really care, like I really wanna be with her, in every sense of the word. "Be".Like just be. Like lay in the bed all day on a saturday, and watch cartoons, and eat cereal. Just be. the sorta thing, where nobody I see in the room matters just you, just be.... the type of thing the surpasses a time, place or anything superfical, or shallow... just you and me= us .. yeahhhh I know my calculus. LOL.

but I wish I could explain it, it's not about sex, it's a conncection that I have with her that I don't have with anyone else, how we can fuss, but still be on the phone for hours, and we totally forget why we were fighting. I have never been compelled so much in my life to get someone to stay... and I so want you to stay, I so want you to realize that little things, just those list of stupid things, don't matter, why can't we just be.......together? I want to minimize the gray area. you know? if we aren't going to be together, just make it so we can truly be friends, and none of those feelings that I have exisit anymore. just feelings of straight friendship. but I don't know how long that is going to take.... lord... I hope I can do this soon..

I just wish she knew how serious I was about her, and getting to know each and every facet of her, just what makes her so bueatiful. and just learn and be there with her, for her, just in her presence, because she is truly something that was unexpected to me, and when the powers that be place something or someone in front of you... you should cherish that. so if it is just a friendship... then i'll take it.

I wanna learn how to make purple sticky rice, and mango with coconut sauce, it's my absolute fave thing to eat in the world .

so late night convos have me super sleepy.. I think imma go back to sleep now. cause I can barley hold my eyes open, and I just wanted to express that, so that I could go back to sleep, it was weighing my brain down. LOL. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

it's not about you, or me.. it's about...

Whatever I want it to be. It's my thoughts. this is not about some girl, whom I apparently love... this is not about me being bored. I have kept a journal for years. and now I want to make it public. I am not going to dedicate a blog to you, bear.. cause when I want to write about you, I promise it's going to be an honest depiction of whatever I am feeling, about you or anyone...


but since you brought it up.

my friend has an issue, and it's liquor. and it makes people not want to be around him. cause the old guy I knew doesn't exist anymore, the one that used to give me the biggest hugs, and forehead kisses, is now one of the most irresponsible people i know. he screams at me when he's angry to the point where it has kinda made me scared to be around him in that state. i don't know what to do and or to say, and sometimes I wish I could save him, idk if he knows when he calls me and he's drunk i cry cause it literally breaks my heart. .. but I don't know what to do... so i pray about it, and keep contact to a minimum because i don't know how to handle and or deal with our friendship anymore. I love him alot, alot, alot.. but Idk what to do....


You can't save them all...

MY mom says everyone isn't like you or is going to do what you want them to, so why is it that I feel bad when something goes wrong. I always am helping someone. and sometimes what I want isn't what people want.

homework...blah..

so I am going to attempt to make today a homework day... but I truly doubt that it will happen....


sticky rice and mango! Hopefully I can get some today.... speaking of that I got my hand done over again.. it looks pretty snazzy. lol. maybe i'll mobile upload a pic on FB....


stop threatening to stop being friends with me.. one day imma take you up on your offer. crazy. I don't understand, why you are so upset, maybe you do like me, or maybe I am a decent friend, Idk what it is.,....

unfortunately i woke up at 3 am with soft porn playing, so no nostalgia, just weired out disgust... it was a weird porn and the man was an alien from another planet or some shit.. so i turned it off, and went back to sleep, ooohhh I wanna see johnny quest.. has anyone ever noticed how fresh he is? white pants, black turtleneck, and loafers, he was a yougin, but always the freshest..LOL.

see you tomorrow.

12:52 pm

The jetsons woke me up today, and I watched astonished that somehow someone thought that the future would be like that. It was a bit nostalgic and reminded me of being 12 and waking up to saturday cartoons, ah 12, before my period, before, boys or girls, and before you realized that you could feel anything besides happy.... when I played basketball all day, and didn't notice that girls were attractive, just played my super ninteindo all day, and watched speed racer like it was the onlything on t.v. ...ahhh those were the days.


So yeah, I am sitting here eating chicken fingers, and uh first, I am NOT supposed to be doing that, I was a vegeterian for super long time, and then had to quit for "esoteric" reasons. LOL.. (((shout out to Fall 08' Celestial R.I.S.E.))) love you beeches.. LOL.


SO I missed the T.I. concert yesterday, smh. I really really love HIM. Like he's such a thug, and we the same height! LOL. Napoleon complex ? maybe. But truly I love him, because he is a thug and he is what most sterotypes says he shouldn't be. because he sold drugs, he should be in jail, and has a buncha kids, he shouldnt be a good father, but despite the sterotypes, he has created jobs in his hometown, due to his construction company, and he has five wonderful kids that he is taking care of. It just makes me happy and to see that people can see more than the perpetuation of a sterotype.

I think i'm In Love with my RADIO.....

So I was driving to get gas after work, at like 2 am, and the radio was playing, and it made me a lil sad, then I put Solange, and the Hadley street dreams in, and was good. I really really am a firm believer that music changes your mood, I usually at the end of my work nights, cruise for about an hour just riding clearing my mind, and then go home, shower and sleep. But yesterday I was singing and dancing in the car, and it made me feel great.

Chipotle receipt??

why evertime i turn around, she be on my mind. so im diggin thru my pockets looking for my work keys, and I find a chipotle receipt. 11/26/08 7:29 pm is the first thing that I read. why first of all haven't i worn this vest since then, and why the hell are all my receipts from that trip in one SPECIFIC pocket. LOL. what the hell.. 21.44 cents. but yo. them tacos were good as heck.
So i started to text her like ahhh i got the chipotle receipt, but no mam. I decied that i'm not going to stalk her. LOL. and call numerous times and plead my case today... when she wants to talk to me she will.. but if we both being stubborn, we might not ever talk again.. shit.... :( I do miss her tho. she don't wake me up in the morning anymore. :( ...but I guess the universe is saying it's a no go on us? who knows, I don't wanna give my self a headache.


ahahhahha... see you tommrow i guess... keep reading.

10:39 am.

good morning, it's 10:39 am, and no word from her yet... I called you ten times, sent you numerous text messages.. and you know you mean the world to me, you know that. but you stil won't pick up. You know that I would have called sooner if I knew what was going on. but you assumed... and you still didn't pick up the phone, and you still didn't pick up this morning.. and you still are not picking up... so I am quitting, cause you clearly quit on me.. and I deff feel like someone just smushed my heart. today is going to be horrible, cause all day imma wonder why the FUCK you don't wanna pick up the GODDAMN PHONE!!! why the fuck WOULD YOU THINK THAT I WOULDN'T CALL YOU AND tell you a joke or make you laugh so that you would feel better. why THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK THAT I wouldn't call.. WHAT THE FUCK IS wrong with you?

so I have a test next week, I think, and I am no way shape or form prepared for it at all... I am really unfoucused, and been unfocused for a long time. I have been in this mood for about two weeks, and don't know what I should do to fix it. My mom says that maybe I should look around at the blessings given to me, but it's hard to do that sometimes, and you just sit and wonder why me? But I do know for sure that I am blessed beyond belief, and that sometimes I forget that, I think I am going to go to church on sunday with my gramma. I think I need it. I just feel so sad sometimes, and lonley, and I really really don't talk to anyone about what I do or have felt, so.... I just feel really overwhelmed for the most part, and sad.


But I don't feel like this all the time, just some days, and before those days were few and far between...

B.Scott-

He makes my day, I am an avid follower on you tube, and it's great to have a laugh, I truly feel like laughing is good for anyone's soul.


well.. Imma go to sleep and hope that she understands and calls.. but I doubt it.

Gramma says....

gramma says when bad things happen to you, you have one day...

one day to feel bad, sad, upset or just not do anything about it... I love my gramma and she is making a lot of sense.....

for about two weeks I have been having a bad week consecutively everyday. And for me bad news is a frequent, but good news if any, even if it's small makes my day... and I have really really been a fucking party pooper. smh! I have had a horrible two weeks... and I don't use much outlets... such as people, so I decided that maybe I should write... good alternative right???

I don't talk to people much, so I decided that I don't really know you... the reader, well....maybe i do.... but anywho...

this is my introduction. to me, and my deep thoughts, and my "little" emotional, sad, miserable, and or a list of large emotions that I feel on a regular basis.... sooo... on to my feelings



GIrl meets GIrl...

So i met you....about three months ago... and you were new, and unexpected...smart, smart-ass, just brilliant, talkin bout the universe and shit, blowing my damn mind... shit...LOL.... but maybe I self- sabatoged. I will be the first to say that I don't know why girls or better yet women like me, and maybe I am just incapable of being sure of myself 100% but hey who is???


the few and far between girls that I have loved... have all taught me things... and I build the feelings super fast, but can't get rid of em' superfast.... feelings by the way. so now... what...do... I do... Im an asshole, I don't have any maners... and i don't pay for dates.. and all of a sudden i am compelled to be a decent kid....Man I wanna buy her flowers, write her poetry, and all that mushy shit like that... oh girl.. I wanna just be around her type stuff.... I wanna know all about your childhood, your favorite color, and your favorite food so I can cook it for you....just wanna sit on the phone and hear you breathe type shit.. LOL. Sucka-for-love shit yes... but hey.. it's happens to the best of us....

I think I love her.. and she....welll.... I would like to think she likes me back... but I think she thinks I am a joke, but hey i don't know how she feels, now a days we don't speak much, and she don't even call no more... buttt..... I do wanna be her friend.. but I mean... what the fuck. who wants to be friends when you see fucking fireworks.... or I spend almost 3000 minutes of my time speaking to you? but she don't see fireworks.. LOL. which sucks.... she sees an asshole. and maybe one day I can dooo dat... with someone.... who sees fireworks with meeeeee... right? or maybe I just think too much, don't have any patience, and missing what's important about all of this, or maybe relationships aren't cut out for me.....

and then...

my defense mechanisim.. shit. Learned behaviors suck.. somewhere along my childhood... I learned that's when it's important.. I ignore it, or try to forget about it, and just shut down. man... And I don't like this.. and by time I come around, most of the time, I have booted myself out of the running... so if I know this, why do I do it, well I am growing, and I am learning that I don't need to do this. and truly want to change. and plan on changing, and hopefully the next one who makes me see stars... I can treat them better, and learn how to communicate better than I do already. cause clearly I am not doing well...


well I think that's a good enough introduction... you think?

bruised.emotional. mess....


see you tommrow.