Makin it on broken peices.

So this healing process is sooo much. I thought I was over all of this bullshit. But as usual feelings always interrupt your FUCKING life. I never go in to real details....but I feel like I should... This break up that lasted for a million years has broken me. Made me feel less than. Made me feel impossible to be loved. For who I am. Because who I am was what she didn't want. It annoys me. Why should this one person affect my life? The fiber of my being? So what? But it ruined me, it hurt me so deep. For weeks I had to force myself to look in the mirror and lie to myself. It took so long for me to be "okay" and reach out be myself again. I am terrified of women. Uttlerly terrified I have become a liar an a cheat. Doing things that I never would and removing my nature of kindness. Because I feel like nobody ever deserves it again. I cannot even let my guard down for a second. I think everyone is lying to me and I'm destroying any foundations before they get started. Because of this last experience I feel like it's impossible to love me. I don't know why I loved like that or allowed someone to see so much of me. To allow myself to just be free...and I feel like I was punished for that. I feel like because she couldn't love me no one will. I know that one day someone will come but I'm so terrified of being myself around someone that I will probably miss the opportunity...because I would rather be lonely than experience the hurt that I have. I'm better now. But I need to make progress. More progress I wanna be me again. I want to be what I was before I met her. I never wanted to be this person . And I never wanna be this person again...

imagination

I have been slipping on my blogs, and now im back reading and writing them, but really i have been doing more reading than actual writitng, some of these blogs are compelling, like i really like to look in to someones life and actually try to duplicate the feeling that you read due to them typing it. words are amazing, and maybe that's why none of my tattoos are pictures but only words because i feel like words describe things so much better....


heres some blogs that i read DAILY.

http://mswhitted.blogspot.com
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com
http://returnoftherandomizer.blogspot.com
http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com
http://www.sincerelydaja.com
http://akizogn.blogspot.com

Soooo on to the next subject...


casual sex?

So as of recently I have come up on a few girlies that think im pretty hot stuff.. im not going to put anyone out there like that or anything, but I do wanna say that I have never had sex outside of a relationship, or a mutual commitment up untill about a week ago. and it was so random but funny. lol. first time for everything right????

So being single and not wanting to commit or well... I don't see anything I would like to commit to... I think it's a strange concept , casual sex due to the fact that you actually don't have to care about the person that you sleep with, well just enough to do the "job" so to speak, and im really not about that, I don't like not connecting with people in that way unless its someone who can actually stay around, title or not. it was exciting... and fun... yes... but I mean.. come on.. how long can you casually sex before you get tired of this?


hence where my investigative skills kicked in. I asked my whore guy friends, and the jist of what these guys said is " im bored so i sex the ladies up, and then when im bored with that lady, I chase another"

which I mean... is fine, shit we all chase. lol. but I mean I don't wanna do all of this extra stuff to get to know a shorty and then move on and try to charm another shorty, yes i do have charm to spare and shit, but i mean come on damn.. like lol. I can't see myself just bringing girl after girl after girl after girl into my home and changing my sheets more than once a week. lmao. sorry. idk that's just my thouoght process.

At the end of the day, I mean if youre not married to someone does that constitiute as casual sex? I mean youre commited but not in the eyes of god, or a documentation does not state that you are together... maybe that is why girls go so hard on titles... I have been guilty of this as well, titles don't make things better, it jut gives someone a sense of security.... I guess.

Seeing that technology is fleeting and the fact nobody even calls anymore, its just that I honestly feel the art of communication is lost.. I find it strange that people only call when they cannot deciper a text message/bbm/facebook status or otherwise.

A girl asked me for my facebook information instead of my number, wow. isn't that strange? well to me it is...

Blah. whatever.

find your love.

sooo yeah, as of right now i am really single out here. lol.

like i didn't know i really was like single out here, like girls at work, girls all over the place, are like making themselves available and now i see why some of my friends want to not be cuffed at all. lol. but for now, im working on finding me.

because finding me is important to me, and i still have some unfinished buisness with a few people, and im still working through my motions. which soon shall make me a better person and or better mate.

but for now, immm sinngglleeee. yeah imm sinngglllleeee... lol.

but i never felt this great about being alone, and like the possiblities are limitless im like super good and just excited about the potential changes that are going to take place, i really am looking into re-location because , for some reason its something that i cannot get off my mind.

this summer is going to be the bestest. :)


I hope yours is too!

its may...

"happiness isn't something you can buy.. it's something that you just have. and i think im ready for that" -Someone cool-

I have been dong a lot of thinking latley and im thinking that I like where i am right now, but as usauly i could be doing better... well i feel like i need to do better.. in certian aspects of my life....

but none the less, one thing that i am very proud of is making "solehead of the week" on my friends blog ill drop the information and the article when it posts on friday.

so saturday i went out and had a ball... i been drinking latley with my friends, im ususally the dd, but for the most part now they have to drive me around and its been cool, im deff taking advantage of it. i never have been a drinker but i see why people find it appealing.

latley i havent been doing much. just chilling, and stuff, cause from like 19 to 23 i worked myself to death , put myself through school and all that stuff, and it was a very very stressful period of my life. and now that that stress isn't really there as much as it used to be, so i actually get to enjoy things, now like i can ride to the beach at 3 am and stare at the stars with my friends because it's what i wanna do, i can learn the guitar cause i have time to. it's fuckin awesome, and it makes me smile.. just doing what i want following my heart. and just being open to things and having fun.

and i don't know why i am sooo aggy today. i woke up and easy was making me mad. but that's another story for another day. im ready to move. like i been thinking about it more and more, and i think relocation is for me, but im terrified i don't wanna fail or come back here. i don't want to look back, i feel like i need to go and explore i feel like im limiting my potential, and now that some of my circumstances has vastly changed im really ready to go. I asked my bro if i left would she come, and im going to ask my babyy daddy ry if he wants to move too.. cause i think we all feel the same way...

my left hand hurts... and it's been for a while, i didn't go to the hospital after the crash so maybe thats why it's hurting. my leg has spazams as well.. but i hate the doctors, and don't wanna go so... i guess imma just wait untill the situation is truly dire. lol.

i cant wait for the weekend. and just writing this made me not so aggy.. lol. thanks. :)

why am. I up?

ughhhh can't stay sleep past 6am. wtf..... I'm hungry... and I thinking it's I might cook breakfast....but I'm kinda lazyyyyy...lol. so imma drink this water. and take my ass back to sleep soon....


I brought a guitar online and it finally came the other day I have Ben tuning it for the past two days. and it finally sounds good not like crappy... yay meeeeee!

I have a book and I'm gonna see if I have time. to actually go to lessons. cause I wanna learn oh and I wanna buy myself a trumpet again. I used to play it. now might be a good time. to pick it back up.... I saw a purple one online ...

and I'm watching vh 1 Angel Taylor is kinda cuteeee. owwww. lol.

please

whyyyyy the fuck is. it snowing in MAY. Anyways...I think I'm sick cinee said I'm sick lol but how would she know? she's a Not doctor lol wtffff...this android blogger don't. correct shitttttt and I cant spell..lol. goodmorning mufuckas.

im at work part 2.

yeah im at fucking work. work work work work work work. ugh.

i feel like my head is going to explode. there is so much going on with me. im trying my best to move out of my past in to the present and build myself a future. but Im terrified change is good. my brain hurts. i haven't done this much thinking in a while. im genuinely torn with my feelings and emotions uhhh... i just need a vacation. ugh. lol.



hey easy...

this is easy like the staples button. :)

don't get caught up.

this dating stuff is hard a little weird and lurky. lol maybe I'm not ready. or I'm just feeling some way. blah

let it go.

"LET IT GO"

that's my mom screaming at me. ugh. well well well, I guess it's time to do some work eh? Many times in my life i have been disappointed. and me holding on to that disappointment I think has stunted my growth. I feel as though me being almost 25... that I might need to do an evaluation. someone asked me the other night on the phone where do you see yourself in five years.... My response was "happy". I just want to be happy, I am content right now. but I need to be happy with the choices and who's in my life. yeah, I know I have it better than most people.... but I myself need to be happy. I think I am getting there. hopefully soon.... I feel better than I felt a week ago. and I think that's just cause of the way that I do things. I need to work on speaking when the issue occurs, and not months after and my aggression or anger has built up beyond my control. so i need to C O M M U N I C A T E. and im not good at that sometimes, I can talk for hours, but my feelings... well they are another story. but eh one step at a time. right?


Shit always gets greater later.


sooooo.. other than that, the love below is playing all day everyday in the car. i love it.

prototype.

bye.

afternoon

I don't ever wanna fall in love again. I don't like the aftershocks whatsoever. happy weds. I would have never expected us or anyone I loved to even be like this. maybe its best I just never speak to your ass again, cause th

overdose.

today was dope went real smooth. hung out and just relaxed. I really needed it. I'm in the car jamin to quiet storm. msm this feels great a like alone time always helps. all smiles on my end gooooodnight.

im at work.

and i hate being here with shit on my mind.... so im sitting here. and thinking out loud so the people in my cubes around me think im going crazy..lol. so im gonna write. cause it always makes me feel better...

yesterday sucked balls but today is going to be better. I spoke to my mom this morning, and told her that im just unhappy, with where i am in life. and it's showing in eveything that i been doing. my most important relationship has failed. but hey. im okay with that. last night i didn't sleep too well but each day will get better... my mom says i need to just let things go. and accept things for what they are. just life in general. I feel like i constantly get the short end of the stick in any situation. and maybe god made it so i did care so much because i need to so someone my big heart. I don't know why but since i could remember, i have never really been too happy. just content.... and now the fact that im not happy is becoming a huge factor. and its showing. my unhappiness is projecting on my loved ones. which they take it in stride. but i mean i don't mean to do that to them.

my mom and Ryan always help me. Ryan by saying the things that im thinking, and my mom for saying things i need to hear to snap back into things. and i think that now it's the time for me to figure out what makes me very happy, even if it is going to the beach and walking around barefoot. i just need to find some happiness... im lonely and i don't think its because i don't have anyone. because before all these changes and my mom getting disabled i was totally okay with being alone. but now the loneliness frightens me, and makes me feel like im going to die alone. when the reality of the matter is im only 24, why should i be worried about a soul mate.

but i worry. about so many things. and when i was with her, i forgot about them. and maybe she was a temporary fix for that. either way i do love her and the fact that she loved me. and loves me. but i don't want her to feel like im a burden to her and me to feel as if shes a burden to me. don't get me wrong she is what i want, but it is what it is and i cannot change that. only time can change my feelings. and maybe we can really be friends. because life isn't about what you had or have. its about the experiences of it all.. so im gonna do what makes me happy which is write. because it always helps me feel like im not drowning. makes things not so intense. after i write i feel so at ease... so at peace. and yes that last blog was about her ... but this one is just an evaluation of myself. and maybe it's time for a change.

I wanna move out, and have my own. and i feel like thats the biggest issue thusfar. i feel stifled and suffocated. i want so much to be independent but i feel that i can't do it, or im just scared. I know if i had to i would. but do i need to? YES.


i just need to make some changes. I feel like my self worth had crumbled. and i just feel overwhelmed. i don't care about my haircuts. unless she brings them up... i wanna be better and do better just for myself. because when i look in the mirror i don't see great anymore. I just see mediocre.... i don't wanna go too deep into this shit. lol. bye.

p.s more blogs to come, just found the android app to post blogs. so im gonna go back to daily posts. stay tuned dudes and dudettes.

fresh

Fresh. Like fresh. Where do I begin. I'm annoying. Overwhelming. Overbearing. And an asshole. But you love me and I love you. I never mean for things to turn out this way. And I feel like I'm trapped too. I feel like if I let you breathe you're never gonna come back. And maybe. Just maybe. I really messed this up.a little disspointed but I guess I gotta suck it up. This shit sucks. I'm miserable. And now I don't get your hugs and kisses. I didn't give you space so I guess now the gap between us can't be closed. I wish it could be. I hope that you forgive me for talking too much. The words just spill out. I can't help what I feel. In my mind I know I should just shut up. But I get frantic I can't stand it. Like being on your SHIT list kills me. I know what I need to do. But I get so scared that I'm not enough for you. I get scared you will just replace me. I'm tired. Nobody has ever just loved me for me. But you do. Even tho I annoy the shit out of you. I know you love me. Cause you wouldn't put up with this. I know you love me and you shouldn't have to put up with this. Maybe one day you will understand. I don't mean to drive you crazy. Its just I don't think ill love some one this much again. You don't realize what you do even when I'm pissed I can't help but love you. I know it might be too late to fix it and I guess that's okay. But I hope one day. We can be okay.




I had to write it out. I'm tired. When I talk it comes out wrong so I had to write it.

Goodnight.


Love you More than words could ever say. I hope you stay. Cause I'm not perfect. But you make me feel like amazingly perfect. Just by holding my hand. Goodnight.

good evening.

well well well.

IM BACCKKK!


so let me talk about something interesting that I encountered today...

I get to my second job.. and it was great.. lots of hugs from the girlies.. and even a kiss on the forehead from my "favorite"


so I sit down.. and the girl next to me is in tears... idk why but usually I don't ask, cause shes always crying... but this time I did..


she was upset because her boyfriend had dumped her... and she said she really loves him but all they do is fight. and she tries. but sometimes she gets upset and tells him to leave or she doesn't want him around, because he frustrates her. she said this time he didn't call....

soooo... for four hours I just spoke to a girl about her relationship... and it was a good insight to love...

she said she really didnt want him to move on, she just wanted space..and he never gave it...

sooo.. I tried to explain to her why he might not want to...


when you feel like something is important to you.. you don't let it slip away.... and maybe they just need a break from each other, but I also let her know that stuff is an easy fix when youre in love. because if you love a person you forgive their mistakes... she said that she would love for him to come back but she wasnt going to call him...


so why not?

She said she hates saying sorry.... for some reason people feel like remorse or apologies are a sign of weakness, but honestly its a sign that youre human, and you make mistakes...


if it's really worth saving it takes time to get thru it.. I told her that maybe they just need a break..


but then again maybe not...


sometimes signals are just crossed.. and when you're dealing with a person who isn't good with emotions, you have to take what you can get... and the best part about loving a person issss... that they forgive you for your rights and wrongs... and just love all the bad away.... and thats the best part about her and him, she says he loves her for her, for her good and bad...


so i told her to call him, and just suck it up and say sorry.. two wrongs don't make a right, and when you involve emotions or feelings period its hard... soooo if shes willing to work at it. im sure he will work with her...


coming from an situation similar to that, i feel like hey.. it happens to the best of us, and sometimes losing something helps you gain something or you just learn... God brings people in and out of your life.. and sometimes it's just to learn something about yourself in general.

so after she stopped crying... she asked me...


Why I was single..


and I said...

Well... because Im in love.. but i think.... I had a wonderful thing about a year ago, and it was great... I don't feel like it was a waste.. but it taught me something that I never could have taught myself...it's the thought of the unknown that I am in love with... and with that said.. I don't know what's planned for me.. but my life has changed alot.. and I do love that person dearly.. but Im not sure that Im ready to open myself up and be able to allow someone to love me, as of right now... Love is a crazyyy thing.. and for me to cliqe with someone on that level, SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.. so i don't think i will be doing the love thing for a long timeeee... its not that I don't care for companionship, but I need to work on me... so right now I am in love very much with myself.. and that maybe she should fall in love with her self again...


then she brought me a pepsi.. and we played tic-tac-toe while doing our telemarking thang.. LOL.


so ill finish this off with something...


" to be loved is an honor... that many people do not recive I was blessed to have that happen to me...being loved opened me up... and it also broke me down... and I felt like it was worth it... maybe i'll do it again.. but right now.. Im gonna roll my blunt and worry about it later" -ME-

Raw emotion.

bare with me.. it's been a long time.. and I feel like I need to get this off my chest....

my mother never raised me to be an Indian giver. or just an angry spiteful person... and as of recently I have been.. Last night. I had an ugly episode with a person i thought was significant in my life.

I have never been that angry. and for someone to bring a raw emotion out of you to make you do things you would NEVER do. is CRAZY.

I don't even remember going to bed.

when someone evokes raw uncontrolled rage, its bad.... the fact that she knows how to push every single one of my buttons is horrible. and I feel like a jerk for letting someone in that far for them to be able to set me off like that.

I would have hoped that she would have seen that I do care, and that was the reason for my response, but Im guessing by the way she treated me, that she doesn't.

so how does someone who is logical, smart, and caring... end up being selfish, angry and violent. I guess love will do that to you.

I feel like theres something wrong with me because of this emotion or the fact that I LET someone put me in a emotional place.

I cried.. after i did what I did because it was so very ugly of me. and if you know a piece of me you know that... as a human being, I don't treat anyone like that. I felt pushed....


so now i guess its time... to rid myself of the feelings for her, cause it doesn't seem like they were mutual at all...

to be in love with someone who you can't understand, but want to understand, and forgive is a hard thing. to be in love with someone and ignore things that you feel are wrong.. is a horrible thing.

for love you remove your pride.. and i didn't care at all what i was doing last night... but if someone shows you over and over again that they don't plan on changing. then I guess I should believe them...


I wish she was a communicator like me.. and just said she wanted to be here. said she loved me just as much.. and really wanted to make an effort for US to be US....

as a human being a should forgive myself for all of my wrongdoings. im my hardest critic. and this is the first time I have actually loved someone in this way. and it's scary. and honestly I don't think I ever want to love someone this much again...

I wish we could be we so that I wouldn't feel like this... I wish she would get it together, and I wish I could control my emotions when it comes to her.. all of these things I want but I doubt that I get them...


well it's time to go to work... bye.

Dont belive the hype.

I wrote this about a week ago, I have been writing for years, but I don't show anyone my work, because for the most part it's been just for me... just for me to read and reflect on later on when I'm past the "humps and bumps" but hey.. I guess I'll let you read this.

"it's gonna be okay" thats what the fuck I keep hearing...

hype. hype.hype.

seems like words to me.

I feel like I'm drowning.

feel like a boxer on his 12th round.

Everything is blurry. running from my opponent's fury.

So i hold it in, my aggression until the right time, the time for me to shine, when it's time for me to fight for whats mine, when time stops ticking...


what is gonna be left of me to be given.

Man my right hand... his pops dead.. so who he gonna look up to? who gonna see us through? He's my hero. but we cant see eye to eye sometimes, because what I want ain't always right, but he always ride. he always got my back and I swear he gonna get everything back. cause I owe him just as much if not more than that... I swear this nigga is my troop leader. and she my partner in crime, we met in tenth grade and I swear I know she worries, but I promise Imma be fine.... you helped me figure out me... if it wasnt for you.. I might not have know my potential.. thank you "B".

cause I haven't cried for me in a long time, just for other people, doing what other people want. Man... I feel caged...

I wish people didn't judge so much, just cause I'm caring.... don't mean I'm weak. I just don't wanna compete anymore. I been standing up for me for years. and shit I fuckin quit.

when it rains it pours. but who got an umbrella. cause fuck you niggas, I mean imma keep it trucking.

so i sit in my room and imagine, draw pictures and write love letters to you. hoping that one day I might "man up " and give em up to you...

I never cried like I did over you. and maybe it was to prove that Im human, and that all the greats are taken down by love and love alone.. love don't make the world go round, but that shit make your heart stop. Bitch I love you to death. I would rip my goddamn heart out my chest... maybe it's too late for that. but hey, sometimes, niggas like me act whack... and my mom ain't raise me like that.. but they say love will make you dumb, blind ,deaf, and crazy... so hey, I hope you forgive me for being a sucka for love. cause you the only one that could ever okie doke me and get all of my love.... like anthony hamiltion say... I cant stay away too long so forgive me mama.. if my actions prove wrong, my intent is better than you could imagine....


my momma say patience is a virtue. but what the fuck am i waiting for? disappointment? no matter what I do, her love is unconditional.. she love me more that she love them damn dill pickles... but I swear I wanna make her prouder, I want her to be able to tell everyone "yeah bitch my baby shits on your kid, fuck you bastards, my baby paid for my place to live"....

yeah she proud, but I wanna do better. my sister protects me. and I pinky swear you my bestest... my foundation is strong, so why is it so hard for me to get along??

All i fuckin see is grey, and I'm tired of rainy days. fuck that umbrella, i'd rather have walking pneumonia.. cause I can't fuckin see, even with these expensive ass frames on my face B.


so I burn these trees, cause for a moment, I can sleep, I can keep my mind free.. Man cudi was right.. there are other kids that don't go to sleep at night...


Maybe cause my pops tellin ppl he ashamed of me.. and that nigga don't even know me.. cause I choose to love a woman... that's just whack, you a three time felon, YOU LEFT ME. and I forgive you for that. Nigga I look just like you. I walk like you bruh.. My skin just as dark as yours.... you probably the reason im always gonna have a broken heart. I wanna say fuck you. but I love you.

just because I hit hard don't mean Im fragile, just like a package.. dont shake me.. I might explode in your face like soda...

I swear to god, the only thing that I can relate to is a fuckin beat.. man.. I hope that guy upstairs got the right master plan for me. cause im tired of icing these fuckin black eyes and bruises. but shit like this provides character right??!??!?


would everyones life be better if they chose to remove me from it.


Nah probally not, everyone got problems, so why should I worry about mines? Imma just keep puttin ice on these shits and take it in stride :) slap god up on the regular and ask him to take care of mines..

ha. can't keep a champ down for too long.. they gonna find a way.... my life ain't the best. but i know for damn sure it's not the worst.. pray for me and i'll pray for you..





I can't save the world. but I guess I can save ME.

jan 8th, 2010

so it's the first blog post of the year..

hello..

how are you?

so since my last update much had changed, but i mean its been a learning expirence, intresting, a test of faith, and these changes help, these changes help me evolve...

I hope to be able to keep to my resoution:

which is not to tie my emotions much into anything.. when you become emotional, it becomes more for people to bear... and emotions take a toll. I am an emotional person by nature, but the past few months, I have been extremley emotional. I feel like I have been going thru puberty. I am learning much more about me... much more...Im proud of myself...

now I smile because, it could be worse, I couldn't be blessed. so now I can take the bad in stride, it happens to the best of us.

happy new year.

my sentiments exactly

it's almost been a year, and we ain't really changed, you left to hang out and do you, but shit don't feel the same, you saying you back you here, but I kinda feel like it's bullshit, cause if you were, this nigga would never be on your mind, he wouldn't have a special section on your page. I don't have a special section, and we done been thru a lot more.

you here, but you not, you say you wanna be friend, don't want a relationship right now, but come on man, im supposed to wait for you to make up your mind somehow? for you to realize that I am special to you.

mean while this shit is fuckin with my mental too,

bringing up trust issues.
cause I don't think any other bitch I could trust after this, yeah you say you left cause of the emotions, but at the end of the day you still left and you're going to do it again, if it's not for money, probably for some other man.

and im supposed to sit here and not even trip, but I can't help my feelings.

shit.

I don't want to be a casualty, a victim. I don't want to feel stupid, like damn, I loved her again. and she did the same shit. I don't feel like im run of the mill but I feel like you think I am, so Id rather go and not find out, that maybe I was right, or even see what this bullshit is about..

and that bothers me

cause I want to stay. I wanna look at you every day. but Something in my mind is saying don't trust it.... so should I say fuck it? I try to talk to you, but instead of you listening, its a problem. so now I feel alone. its 7:20 am and I don't feel normal in my own home. I just feel left out and lonely...


starting to feel like this love shit is really corny.

formspring.me

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

it has to be a mixture of spiderman, x-men, and speed racer.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

It was a mixture, of speed racer, Xmen, and spider man.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

What's the best place near you to get a pizza?

even though I don't eat pizza that much.. I would have to say, it's a tie between Galleria Pizza downtown in Reynolds Arcade, and Pudigies on the east side!! yum yum.

How many countries have you traveled to?

ummm , none but I have traveled to about 6 or 7 states.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

If you could become any fictional character, who would you be?

I would be speed racer, he's my fave !!

Ask me anything