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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Raw emotion.

bare with me.. it's been a long time.. and I feel like I need to get this off my chest....

my mother never raised me to be an Indian giver. or just an angry spiteful person... and as of recently I have been.. Last night. I had an ugly episode with a person i thought was significant in my life.

I have never been that angry. and for someone to bring a raw emotion out of you to make you do things you would NEVER do. is CRAZY.

I don't even remember going to bed.

when someone evokes raw uncontrolled rage, its bad.... the fact that she knows how to push every single one of my buttons is horrible. and I feel like a jerk for letting someone in that far for them to be able to set me off like that.

I would have hoped that she would have seen that I do care, and that was the reason for my response, but Im guessing by the way she treated me, that she doesn't.

so how does someone who is logical, smart, and caring... end up being selfish, angry and violent. I guess love will do that to you.

I feel like theres something wrong with me because of this emotion or the fact that I LET someone put me in a emotional place.

I cried.. after i did what I did because it was so very ugly of me. and if you know a piece of me you know that... as a human being, I don't treat anyone like that. I felt pushed....

so now i guess its time... to rid myself of the feelings for her, cause it doesn't seem like they were mutual at all...

to be in love with someone who you can't understand, but want to understand, and forgive is a hard thing. to be in love with someone and ignore things that you feel are wrong.. is a horrible thing.

for love you remove your pride.. and i didn't care at all what i was doing last night... but if someone shows you over and over again that they don't plan on changing. then I guess I should believe them...

I wish she was a communicator like me.. and just said she wanted to be here. said she loved me just as much.. and really wanted to make an effort for US to be US....

as a human being a should forgive myself for all of my wrongdoings. im my hardest critic. and this is the first time I have actually loved someone in this way. and it's scary. and honestly I don't think I ever want to love someone this much again...

I wish we could be we so that I wouldn't feel like this... I wish she would get it together, and I wish I could control my emotions when it comes to her.. all of these things I want but I doubt that I get them...

well it's time to go to work... bye.

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my name is sharda' I am a student/ full time manager/ busy body. I am writing about my personal expirences, and my life, and everyone in it. and just letting you all get to know me.