im at work part 2.

yeah im at fucking work. work work work work work work. ugh.

i feel like my head is going to explode. there is so much going on with me. im trying my best to move out of my past in to the present and build myself a future. but Im terrified change is good. my brain hurts. i haven't done this much thinking in a while. im genuinely torn with my feelings and emotions uhhh... i just need a vacation. ugh. lol.



hey easy...

this is easy like the staples button. :)

don't get caught up.

this dating stuff is hard a little weird and lurky. lol maybe I'm not ready. or I'm just feeling some way. blah

let it go.

"LET IT GO"

that's my mom screaming at me. ugh. well well well, I guess it's time to do some work eh? Many times in my life i have been disappointed. and me holding on to that disappointment I think has stunted my growth. I feel as though me being almost 25... that I might need to do an evaluation. someone asked me the other night on the phone where do you see yourself in five years.... My response was "happy". I just want to be happy, I am content right now. but I need to be happy with the choices and who's in my life. yeah, I know I have it better than most people.... but I myself need to be happy. I think I am getting there. hopefully soon.... I feel better than I felt a week ago. and I think that's just cause of the way that I do things. I need to work on speaking when the issue occurs, and not months after and my aggression or anger has built up beyond my control. so i need to C O M M U N I C A T E. and im not good at that sometimes, I can talk for hours, but my feelings... well they are another story. but eh one step at a time. right?


Shit always gets greater later.


sooooo.. other than that, the love below is playing all day everyday in the car. i love it.

prototype.

bye.

afternoon

I don't ever wanna fall in love again. I don't like the aftershocks whatsoever. happy weds. I would have never expected us or anyone I loved to even be like this. maybe its best I just never speak to your ass again, cause th

overdose.

today was dope went real smooth. hung out and just relaxed. I really needed it. I'm in the car jamin to quiet storm. msm this feels great a like alone time always helps. all smiles on my end gooooodnight.

im at work.

and i hate being here with shit on my mind.... so im sitting here. and thinking out loud so the people in my cubes around me think im going crazy..lol. so im gonna write. cause it always makes me feel better...

yesterday sucked balls but today is going to be better. I spoke to my mom this morning, and told her that im just unhappy, with where i am in life. and it's showing in eveything that i been doing. my most important relationship has failed. but hey. im okay with that. last night i didn't sleep too well but each day will get better... my mom says i need to just let things go. and accept things for what they are. just life in general. I feel like i constantly get the short end of the stick in any situation. and maybe god made it so i did care so much because i need to so someone my big heart. I don't know why but since i could remember, i have never really been too happy. just content.... and now the fact that im not happy is becoming a huge factor. and its showing. my unhappiness is projecting on my loved ones. which they take it in stride. but i mean i don't mean to do that to them.

my mom and Ryan always help me. Ryan by saying the things that im thinking, and my mom for saying things i need to hear to snap back into things. and i think that now it's the time for me to figure out what makes me very happy, even if it is going to the beach and walking around barefoot. i just need to find some happiness... im lonely and i don't think its because i don't have anyone. because before all these changes and my mom getting disabled i was totally okay with being alone. but now the loneliness frightens me, and makes me feel like im going to die alone. when the reality of the matter is im only 24, why should i be worried about a soul mate.

but i worry. about so many things. and when i was with her, i forgot about them. and maybe she was a temporary fix for that. either way i do love her and the fact that she loved me. and loves me. but i don't want her to feel like im a burden to her and me to feel as if shes a burden to me. don't get me wrong she is what i want, but it is what it is and i cannot change that. only time can change my feelings. and maybe we can really be friends. because life isn't about what you had or have. its about the experiences of it all.. so im gonna do what makes me happy which is write. because it always helps me feel like im not drowning. makes things not so intense. after i write i feel so at ease... so at peace. and yes that last blog was about her ... but this one is just an evaluation of myself. and maybe it's time for a change.

I wanna move out, and have my own. and i feel like thats the biggest issue thusfar. i feel stifled and suffocated. i want so much to be independent but i feel that i can't do it, or im just scared. I know if i had to i would. but do i need to? YES.


i just need to make some changes. I feel like my self worth had crumbled. and i just feel overwhelmed. i don't care about my haircuts. unless she brings them up... i wanna be better and do better just for myself. because when i look in the mirror i don't see great anymore. I just see mediocre.... i don't wanna go too deep into this shit. lol. bye.

p.s more blogs to come, just found the android app to post blogs. so im gonna go back to daily posts. stay tuned dudes and dudettes.

fresh

Fresh. Like fresh. Where do I begin. I'm annoying. Overwhelming. Overbearing. And an asshole. But you love me and I love you. I never mean for things to turn out this way. And I feel like I'm trapped too. I feel like if I let you breathe you're never gonna come back. And maybe. Just maybe. I really messed this up.a little disspointed but I guess I gotta suck it up. This shit sucks. I'm miserable. And now I don't get your hugs and kisses. I didn't give you space so I guess now the gap between us can't be closed. I wish it could be. I hope that you forgive me for talking too much. The words just spill out. I can't help what I feel. In my mind I know I should just shut up. But I get frantic I can't stand it. Like being on your SHIT list kills me. I know what I need to do. But I get so scared that I'm not enough for you. I get scared you will just replace me. I'm tired. Nobody has ever just loved me for me. But you do. Even tho I annoy the shit out of you. I know you love me. Cause you wouldn't put up with this. I know you love me and you shouldn't have to put up with this. Maybe one day you will understand. I don't mean to drive you crazy. Its just I don't think ill love some one this much again. You don't realize what you do even when I'm pissed I can't help but love you. I know it might be too late to fix it and I guess that's okay. But I hope one day. We can be okay.




I had to write it out. I'm tired. When I talk it comes out wrong so I had to write it.

Goodnight.


Love you More than words could ever say. I hope you stay. Cause I'm not perfect. But you make me feel like amazingly perfect. Just by holding my hand. Goodnight.