good evening.

well well well.

IM BACCKKK!


so let me talk about something interesting that I encountered today...

I get to my second job.. and it was great.. lots of hugs from the girlies.. and even a kiss on the forehead from my "favorite"


so I sit down.. and the girl next to me is in tears... idk why but usually I don't ask, cause shes always crying... but this time I did..


she was upset because her boyfriend had dumped her... and she said she really loves him but all they do is fight. and she tries. but sometimes she gets upset and tells him to leave or she doesn't want him around, because he frustrates her. she said this time he didn't call....

soooo... for four hours I just spoke to a girl about her relationship... and it was a good insight to love...

she said she really didnt want him to move on, she just wanted space..and he never gave it...

sooo.. I tried to explain to her why he might not want to...


when you feel like something is important to you.. you don't let it slip away.... and maybe they just need a break from each other, but I also let her know that stuff is an easy fix when youre in love. because if you love a person you forgive their mistakes... she said that she would love for him to come back but she wasnt going to call him...


so why not?

She said she hates saying sorry.... for some reason people feel like remorse or apologies are a sign of weakness, but honestly its a sign that youre human, and you make mistakes...


if it's really worth saving it takes time to get thru it.. I told her that maybe they just need a break..


but then again maybe not...


sometimes signals are just crossed.. and when you're dealing with a person who isn't good with emotions, you have to take what you can get... and the best part about loving a person issss... that they forgive you for your rights and wrongs... and just love all the bad away.... and thats the best part about her and him, she says he loves her for her, for her good and bad...


so i told her to call him, and just suck it up and say sorry.. two wrongs don't make a right, and when you involve emotions or feelings period its hard... soooo if shes willing to work at it. im sure he will work with her...


coming from an situation similar to that, i feel like hey.. it happens to the best of us, and sometimes losing something helps you gain something or you just learn... God brings people in and out of your life.. and sometimes it's just to learn something about yourself in general.

so after she stopped crying... she asked me...


Why I was single..


and I said...

Well... because Im in love.. but i think.... I had a wonderful thing about a year ago, and it was great... I don't feel like it was a waste.. but it taught me something that I never could have taught myself...it's the thought of the unknown that I am in love with... and with that said.. I don't know what's planned for me.. but my life has changed alot.. and I do love that person dearly.. but Im not sure that Im ready to open myself up and be able to allow someone to love me, as of right now... Love is a crazyyy thing.. and for me to cliqe with someone on that level, SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.. so i don't think i will be doing the love thing for a long timeeee... its not that I don't care for companionship, but I need to work on me... so right now I am in love very much with myself.. and that maybe she should fall in love with her self again...


then she brought me a pepsi.. and we played tic-tac-toe while doing our telemarking thang.. LOL.


so ill finish this off with something...


" to be loved is an honor... that many people do not recive I was blessed to have that happen to me...being loved opened me up... and it also broke me down... and I felt like it was worth it... maybe i'll do it again.. but right now.. Im gonna roll my blunt and worry about it later" -ME-

Raw emotion.

bare with me.. it's been a long time.. and I feel like I need to get this off my chest....

my mother never raised me to be an Indian giver. or just an angry spiteful person... and as of recently I have been.. Last night. I had an ugly episode with a person i thought was significant in my life.

I have never been that angry. and for someone to bring a raw emotion out of you to make you do things you would NEVER do. is CRAZY.

I don't even remember going to bed.

when someone evokes raw uncontrolled rage, its bad.... the fact that she knows how to push every single one of my buttons is horrible. and I feel like a jerk for letting someone in that far for them to be able to set me off like that.

I would have hoped that she would have seen that I do care, and that was the reason for my response, but Im guessing by the way she treated me, that she doesn't.

so how does someone who is logical, smart, and caring... end up being selfish, angry and violent. I guess love will do that to you.

I feel like theres something wrong with me because of this emotion or the fact that I LET someone put me in a emotional place.

I cried.. after i did what I did because it was so very ugly of me. and if you know a piece of me you know that... as a human being, I don't treat anyone like that. I felt pushed....


so now i guess its time... to rid myself of the feelings for her, cause it doesn't seem like they were mutual at all...

to be in love with someone who you can't understand, but want to understand, and forgive is a hard thing. to be in love with someone and ignore things that you feel are wrong.. is a horrible thing.

for love you remove your pride.. and i didn't care at all what i was doing last night... but if someone shows you over and over again that they don't plan on changing. then I guess I should believe them...


I wish she was a communicator like me.. and just said she wanted to be here. said she loved me just as much.. and really wanted to make an effort for US to be US....

as a human being a should forgive myself for all of my wrongdoings. im my hardest critic. and this is the first time I have actually loved someone in this way. and it's scary. and honestly I don't think I ever want to love someone this much again...

I wish we could be we so that I wouldn't feel like this... I wish she would get it together, and I wish I could control my emotions when it comes to her.. all of these things I want but I doubt that I get them...


well it's time to go to work... bye.