MY own worst ENEMY.

my multi tasking skills are going to be tested, I am playing poker and trying to write this blog. lol..

here we go.

so I think when it comes to relationships that I maybe my own worst enemy. sometimes I get scared and say things in hopes that it will push the person away, knowing that I want them around. but then sometimes I don't give a shit. and sometimes I wish i could turn the I dont give a shit filter off...

for the most part I am a decent person, but in certain situations insecurities appear, and sometimes it's not a good look. Like I think all the time that a person could possibly not like me for me... Im moody, chubby, a bit socially stunted and a list of other things. so sometimes I do wonder if these people like what they see or just me. but that's just sometimes, for the most part i'm preeettyyy sure of myself and maybe that's what they like.. either way I jus wanna be cared for how I care for these people ... when I love I do it hard and would give someone the world if I had it... but sometimes it's hard for me to let that gaurd down and potentially be hurt....... so... now i'm stuck and i possibly could be putting myself here in this positon.


anyway... I am kickin ass in this poker game.
tell me why my mom is maddd pumped about her new phone that she don't know how to work.lol. she was getting all mad like " why don't all the numbers show up?" and I told her cause she didn't put the area codes in... and she says " man fuck this phone.that's bullshit. technology sucks.. when i had a razar, I ain't have to do all this shit" lmao. mom <3!


i don't know what to get my sister and mommmy for vday... ideas?

on point.

my cardigan is on point.
I'm growing up.
My fone is trippin..
I feel good about all that.

But for some reason, I feel like my friends and or people around me are having all types of problems...


but I been feeling good. work is going well, I had some fun this weekend, I'm broke but hey sometimes money isn't everything.


I think me and HEr can be friends.. I think...


So what did you guys do for valentine's day last year, I need an idea something fun.. ya kno?

well that's it for now.

my achy breaky heart

Something says keep talking to you and stay cause maybe one day you'll realized that I am 1A.

but I mean maybe not, I mean, I don't know what and when it happend but I am for sure that you mean the world to me, and it sucks cause I don't know what to do about it, and I understand your reasons, and at the same time, your reasons are superfical and lame, you can see how I feel...


but then again maybe that's not enough... man I asked you to be my valentine... cause I really want you to be my valentine..

I jus am one of those people who don't do emotions well and not that I am a huge amount of these emotions, I don't do well. I don't like this, I don't like that she can affect my mood like this, and for the most part when and if something such as MY feelings get this heavy, I tend to leave or find a reason and break it off. but I decidied to stick this one through, and maybe this was one I shoulda left alone a long time ago, and I only have my self to blame for this, but hey.. I guess that's what you get when ur a sucka for love ((danity kane plays)) LOL.

and on top of that..

I think I am still having bestie issues.. I don't know why and what it is but it just don't feel right. I mean I love my bestie to death and maybe it's just the lines of communication are fucked up.. Idk but I don't think I realized till today how sensitive I really am, yeah, I front like I'm a tough guy but I really am sensitive, a lot of shit people say to me bothers me alot, but I don't let them know. but yeah I am a big softee. lol.


My big heart can't take heartbreak, and sometimes I just feel like too many people need to be loved, and maybe I can help them..


ALONE time.
I have been craving this, and today I got it, I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go to work, it's been really cold and my ashthma has been buggin the heck out. so I stayed in and layed down all day and go some sort of rest in hopes that the old man nasty cough would go the heck away, it didn't but I do feel alot better. maybe it was just time for a mental health day.


double kisses.. ohh it was tap your neighbor tuesday yesterday

do you know who BSCOTT Ishhhh???? OMG I love himmmm... please check him out.. LOL.




I'm in lovveee with a stipper...

natural vs. processed hair

SO if you haven't seen me before this, I had a nice likkle faux hawk.. which was pretty sexy but I was in serious need of change, so I cut it off.. and I went from this...



and this..


to this...


and now this...




so I want locs, specifically sister locs which are smaller and more managable and easier to dye and such.. it's pretty long process but I am feeling kinda un-cute. maybe it's because I am not used to the transiton.. but hopefully I will get over it..

so I went from the best processed hair on the planet.. LOL.. to raw natural me.. so I am having diffuclty combing this mess.. lol.. and maybe I'm jus being werid.. about it, but it's growin pretty fast.. so what's u guy's take on processed and or natural hair..

THe reasons RIKO don't like you...

Riko don't like you, cause he knows that Sharda' is emotionally connected to you...
Riko don't like you cause he knows Sharda' is always gonna love you, and is in fact in love with you.
Riko don't like you because he knows Sharda' could be doing GOd knows what with whomever she chooses, but Sharda' would rather be on the phone and deal with you..


When Riko knows there's a slew in line... And Sharda' well she just want's to be with you...

the unfortunate thing about that is that I reived the prettiest girl in the world sydrome with you... and now I can't get rid of it.. but I am working on it, and the more that I push away, I think the more that I end up finding out that you are where I want to be..... but unfortunaltey the feeling isn't mutual, so I will let riko continue to hate you.. and try not to think about you much... LOL....



blahh goes the Lioness...

prettiest girl in the world

so my ex booski used to be to me at least the prettiest girl in the world, when she walked in the room I would just stop and stare... btw that's how someone should know if I like them, If I stare at them... and she stopped being the prettiest girl in the world, I dunno when, but it's deff not there anymore, I think I will always care about her, but there's a new pretty girl, she looks great in sweats...


I just had a talk with the pretty girl by the way.. we had a convo, and it seems like that it's easier said than done to get over someone.. like I know I gotta move on and I plan on doing it.. cause I think I got over the hurtful part... but with all things time heals all wounds right??

so I am hugley behind on all of my homework and have no urge to do it. I think I am burnt out from school... I jus don't wanna do it anymore, I wanna jus work and build up some paper or something, but tommrow is deff homework day.. all damn day.. I gotta catch up or imma be fucked up... LIke forreal forreal.. i think imma turn the phone off... cut myself off from civilization ...


how are you today...

ryan I think I have the gift of gab.. I think I am spittin murder to the mami's B! LOL..

whooo rico is sooo sweet to me. lmaoo....

I love pandora.. it makes my day...

I am sleepy...


pride..

so if you guys don't know I am a memeber of an wonderful sorority, OMICRON EPSILON PI ((www.oepi.com)) it's a sorority for feminine lesbians, and I'm not a girly girl but I don't Identify with the stud population, not in to labels I'm jus me

so someone says that I don't have pride in my org. then nobody will respect me... but I am very proud....and where I am I have no sisters here, I miss them much, and I am happy that I am who I am I have been fightin for me and to be me for years... So jus let me live...

on my mind.

Heavy like a ton of bricks...
You're on my mind.
I wish you had the time
To see me for me. What I wanted us to be.
But still your on my mind.
Heavy as a ton.
Wishing I was the one.


Yeah heavy shit yo. But yeah Riko is in the. Building. I really feel like there's no reason to put myself out there anymore... I am tired of offerin up my heart... so I figure I get out here wit dese bitches.. yes I said bitches... shallow bitches...lol... and do me for a while see what my nice scorpio swag gets me. Cause its clear these women don't get me. If they got me they would have got me, and not forgot about me(((oooh spittin bars)))


What happened to dylan?
And the original band???

I am sleepy and it's mad cold out..

So I plan on being selfish for a while.. I'll let u guys know how it turns out...



Blamo!

bop and sway.

so as I bop and sway to songs on pandora.. I am thinking about so many things...

so how bout i haven't spoken to her in a while, she hasn't even crossed my mind like dat...

trickin is overrated....


so my friends are mad at me cause I feel like i shouldn't have to pay for shit. I mean it's 2009 and it's not like I don't got it cause do i just feel like so much shit is based on material things. and Yeah i'm fresh but how bout you dig the mind and what that has to offer before you dig in my pockets...lol.


so I had the coolest convo with a internet friend, and i think she's gonna be a regular friend. she seems super cool.. now I have always had an issue about internet friends cause they always end up being weirdos or crazy.. but ehh.. everyone is a lil crazy.... but well see how it develops... so far so good....


My name is sharda'

shar-dayyy, not sharduuuh. shawndra. sharda' sometimes I like duh cause it jus sounds good, cause everyone says sharduh so i adapted it that, but if you're not calling me that then your ass should be calling me sharda'


omg chocolate women, I have an obsession with chocolate women, tweet is so dark, and kelly rowland's skin is wonderful, I just like women, big booty judy was pretty too.. and so is LJ. well they both are still kato-mate.. lmao.

so I have come to the conclusion that my car, thomas, is on its way out the door. i gotta get him fixed, he's the only man I love deeply and fuck with on the regular. lmao..


I wanna color. I need new crayons.

night..

BIG LOVE

sooo.. yeah big love came on today, I missed it..... so now I am up, watching it...

SO I listened to slow jams all day and was very very productive at work, i'm proud of myself!!!


sometimes I wish i had someone to call and say : "hey bae! I finished this and that at work, and this and that..."

or crawl in the bed and drop a few forehead kissess and catch some body heat...


"stupid cupid stop picking on me" LOL.


SO i think That I am a visual learner, if you don't know there are three types, visual , kinestetic ( doing or repition) and auditory... well actually I did a project on it, and it was awesome i got a good grade on it...

I still miss her.. but I don't miss her... but hey I don't know what I wanna do with myself half of the time.. blah blah blah...

off too bed.. got mucho shit todo

context.

Sometimes things can be taken outta context. Someone says something and their feelings get hurt or just something blowin outta porportion.

I had this friend. Idk maybe I can call her that we used to be supa cool and somethings were taken outta context and we actually hung out today.. we haven't hung out since like ocotber, but it jus reminded me on how cool she was.. but at the same time I feel like I should be cautious.... I never have been one to talk shit behind a persons back. And I hate that ppl do that. And I am one of those people if I sense slightly.. that ur on sum bullshit.. I leave it alone. I either take something head on or avoid it. And it's crazy... it's jus how I am. I don't like to argue....


But anyway



Love is love..

So I was on downelink and encountered a transgendered "woman" who was into women, and she was absloutley bueatifu and looked as if she was a woman. I think that I an a pansexual, or maybe not, I just find it intresting and she seems cool, I haven't actually like spoken to her, but I looked at her's and a few other of her friends profiles that are transgendered as well..... I am attracted to people or jus love people.. I am intrigued by the transgendered culture.. and the aspevt of being one gender and mentally feeling or identifying with another. I want to get to know her cause I can learn from her.. cause I think that is awsome if I can learn anything from anyone... I wanna be around you. That's why I love my OEPi..cause they teach me something new everyday!

Www.oepi.com

Ahhh.. the life of an epp.. fantastic...

Flight of the Concords.

SO as I sit and watch Flight of the concords, and wish that my cell phone wasn't cut off one way.. I begin to worry...


I miss her....

and I miss human contact... Like.. This celebacy thing becaomes daunting sometimes, but I really feel like it's worth it. sometimes sex complicates things, and you forget about a person's inner being when you look at someone as an object, or just for lustful reasons.

hence, I never want to take anyone for granted, even tho sometimes I do forget and become self centered. I try not to, I'm evolving, and sometimes, it's best to do that alone.

I really would like to be alone, just do nothing, with no one, and just not be bothered, but right at this second, I kinda wish my text messages were going off like crazy.. but that is a rare occation.. I want to jus be around people... but in about fourty minutes, that need for human contact will subside.. lol....

I dont know sometimes I just really like being alone, and not bothered by anyone.. my mind is sooo cloudy sometimes, and for the most part I try to keep my feelings, shortcomings, and insecurities to myself.. cause sometimes you just want someone to listen, and not judge and just sit there and nod.. lol..

I think that's why I chose this blogspot thingy.. cause it's anynomous....


well.. beddie bye bye..

my shirt is lime green.

yep. it is.. and im thinking about power napping. so for the past few days I have been really really really really agressive. like a straight asshole. just on some other shit, and I would have to admit, some ppl didnt deserve it but then again, some did...

I am tired. and cranky... also very worried about a lot of things that are out of my control, why do people do that, worry? I wonder who named this feeling that you get when you worry.

the only thing I didn't worry about today was my lime green shirt. hmph. who woulda thunk.

I miss myself. and I think 2009 is the year of self. I gotta do me and make me happy... I gotta get myself together. asap. I gotta move outta rochester, and just be on my own and be happy with me and all of the things in my life..

less is more.

when you give someone time to miss you, it means more...


I like the concept of minimum...

Like how I wish i didn't have a ton of clothes cause... this room would be clean by now.

So when I was in ohio, I read this astrology book.. the book was very accurate! what the heck do they do to figure this stuff out???

cause for the most part it's true..

I need an edge up...I cannot wait for this hair to grow back. so it can be loc'd up. I have mucho homework to do. and some other things to do, but imma go to sleep for a while then get back at it..


thanks for reading.. i'll edit later.. LOL.

Sincerely

sincerely..

I apologize. for not being easy to understand, and with that meaning that we couldn't understand each other..

I wanna say sorry for the mistakes that I have made, cause like you, I am human, and sometimes it's harder to forgive myself that it is to forgive you, anybody, just hard to forgive myself.

I don't know what to do sometimes, and I still get nervous when people come around, I still feel like maybe I missed some important part of my social skills somewhere... I still feel like nobody will ever be okay with me and the way that I am, and maybe I am just that much of a jerk, that I am going to be lonely forever.

I just hope for 2009 to be a better year for me, I just need it to be a better year, a better time, and just for me to gain and learn more, and jus praying for a better me...

uhhh

So it's a new year! So I brought it in drunk. And while everyone was asleep I was talking to myself... I never really realized how mad I was about how fucked up 08 was to me and my family.... and how much I am in need for a change.. a Big change.. I'm glad... things have changed..and I need to do what I need to do.... things. Really need to change.. like really ...

Things have changed.. and 23 years is a long time.. but it's a lot of learning too.. I can't even fathom how I got here... and what happened to make me feel this way...and what do I need to do to change it???
So what's next.. cause I don't know...


Well wishes to all of you.. cause 2009 is here.