woulda been the one.

yeah I woulda been the one to fall hoplessly in fuckin love.

blah...

so as the song plays in the background.. I write...

I been writing in my journal, but I figured I would express this publicly.

SO i been away, reflecting on my thoughts and during a bonding session someone said something to me that struck a sour note:

"Its very hard for me to be selfish, I am so used to doing stuff for people, that when I think about me.. and doing things purley for my enjoyment, it makes me uncomfortable"

I have instant buyers remorse. as soon as I swipe and or do anything for myself, I feel horribly bad, Like i could have spent my time doing something kind for someone else... and or spent the money on something that my family needs...

SO im working on that.. and if you have been a follower for a while, then you know I have been struggling with some issues, but the smoke is clearing, and I think that I am getting better at making decisions with my mind, and not my heart anymore, not saying that the part of me... is dead, but it's time to do something to make myself happy.. because what I have learned is that nothing can determine your happiness but yourself...

So don't entertain thoughts of what could be, just do it... don't think, or second guess myself( that's been the hardest part of it all) just to be sure that the decisions that I am making are the right decisions for me, or feeling guilty because I chose not to help anymore, or just ignoring the "noise" in my life that isn't helping me progress as a person.... I know that this is going to work out for me...


just because its the past, doesnt mean that it's not going to provide a tool for your future, I have lived and learned alot in my 23 years... and what I have learned the most is, sometimes you need to put you first.... to be happy with what you are doing, where you are, and how you are going to get there....

so..

thank you to my past, thank you to the constant change, and the fact that it keeps me on my feet, thanks for the bumps as bruises... because they provide intergrity to my deep dark bueatiful skin... thank you to you... all of you who have been as part of my journey, but aren't a part of my progression now... because my tears help me, be better,

Reptutaion is for time, but character is for eternity...

thank you for reading, thank you for being there, and thank you for letting me be who i am despite my circumstance...

typo...

sooo... Im typing on my wii, i brought a keyboard for this shit its pretty cool, i thought i broke the shit tho..lol.... anyways I am stoked that today is my day off, im enjoying it early... ha haha ha ha....

Im going to get cute tomorrow, and probally go get a haircut, haircuts always make me feel extra hot...lol... idk what im gonna do but it's gonna be a good day, im sure of it..... me and my homie gonna chill, we havent chilled in the longest time.... and I wanna go see paranormal activity!!! yayyyyayyayyay! lmao... I wish I had my movie buddie to go with but hey... maybe the next time....


maybe...

its october and they said its supposed to snow... geesh... it didn't even make it to my birthday this year...


speaking of birthdays, why am i the only one who appricates getting older, i cannot wait to get old yo... that means that I have lived, I've done some good, ya kno'? cause to live a long life is a hard thing.. life is hard, you never know what's going to happen, so to see another year...... to me... means I have done something right...


and that's gotta count for something.....



everthine. evermine. everours - AHHH MY FAVE QUOTE EVER,


I wanna watch sex in the city....



byeeeeeeeeee.

T.O.N.Y

the other night, why..

did I empty out my savings account.. wtf.. I am trippin... lol.


but nah, I need to go, just get outta here...

Changes have occured and I need the space and the time to myself... its crazy how things change soo much.. how things force you to grow up... how things just make you a person that you never thought you would be... and I don't really like the person that I have become...

someone told me that I am a "preparer" I prepare people for life... take care of them, love them... and then... they leave...

Interesting...

but over all this summer was an eye opener... boooyyyyyy

so im going on vacation, alone... and if time progresses, maybe my new friend will come... but I doubt I want that to happen...


I need to be alone.. to get me together, persuit of happiness so to speak... and I promised myself that I would be happier by my birthday, I would have what I needed, whatever that was...


let things goooo, clarity, peice of mind, forgivness, clousure... whatever I need... it's going to be done.. I need to live regret free, and as of recently, all i feel is regret, hurt and anger.. and if you knew who i was... then you would know that this isn't a life i would want to continue to lead..

since I could actually think for myself, I have been taking care of or trying to fix someone... but I think it's time to fix myself...

for the first time in weeks, I am smiling because it feels good..


damn.

:)

closing and opening chapters

so I believe that, during the years of 18-21 you find yourself.. and then 24-27 you figure out where you wanna be...

so... coming up on my 24th... I have been feeling very unhappy, and I think it's because I feel like I'm not where I am supposed to be... and I feel like I'm not there... I feel like I should have be further...


I feel like Im out growing things, people, and my environment...

Growin' up...

I felt like one of those cartoons, and im walking and a rain cloud was just following me.. This summer has been an intresting one.. I have truly learned. Alot... And it has helped me sooo much... My aunt said "baby live, just live" life is full of lessons.. And in my 23 years... I have had my fair share of lessons.. And im looking forward to learning, loving, evolving, and living...


but the more things I do..to move in a positive direction.... I feel better... and the sun is coming out..it's better... it always gets better...

I'm happier, I'm doing things for me, and Im feeling super good about all of that... and hopefully this time next year... I am going to be happy... and on the path to where I wanna be...


side note: it takes more energy to be negative, than postive... it takes more muscles to frown than smile.. and hugs feel great.. so smile when you see someone.. see you tomorrow..

:) each day.the rain goes away.. And brings the sunshine... So admire it. Be inspired by it..:)

yep thats me...

The beauty of a Scorpio woman is exceptional, mysterious and totally magnetic. She knows that and is proud of herself. She will control her wish to dominate and will let a man lead in a relationship, atleast during courtship. She knows how to hypnotize a man and gets successful, more often than not. Don't expect a Scorpio female to rush into your arms in front of a thousand people and shout her feelings at the top of her voice. Instead, she will come close to you, glance at you in a sensual way and whisper the most romantic words in a seductive tone.

If you are not sincere with your feelings, don't even try to get close to a Scorpio girl. With those beautiful, penetrating eyes of hers, she can read exactly what is on your mind. She can easily make out your real intentions, so Don't Flirt. It will amount to insulting her and I assure you, insulting her is not at all good for your health. Even when her tone is soothing, her disposition kind and her smile generous, she can be planning the most powerful retaliation. When a Scorpio woman is insulted or gets hurt, her fury knows no bounds.

Then, she can become the most hard-hearted and most sarcastic person on this earth. If she loves with fierce devotion, she hates with devastating malice. If you are really in love with her, then you need to know more about her. She has a very hypnotic gaze and the moment her eyes meet your, you will go tumbling down in her deep passion. Being noticed by a Scorpio female definitely gives a boost to a man's ego. She needs a man who is stronger than she is and weakness in him won't get her sympathy at all.

He will be expected to behave like a real man, who can dominate her and make her proud. At the same time, he should respect her individuality. He should be better looking than average, with an intellect, philosophical and totally masculine. He must also be ambitious and able to handle tough situation with poise. After she gets committed, a Scorpio female will shower you with all her love and attention. Her whole life will start revolving around you and she will be extremely loyal and exceedingly passionate.

She is passionate with everything that is related to her. It is almost impossible for her to have neutral feelings. Either she will deeply cherish or fiercely hate. If any of the feelings are not experienced, she will become completely indifferent towards it. Scorpio women, however, never let these feelings show. Her expression will always remain neutral, betraying nothing. Her anger is very bad and it's better to get out of her way when it gets out of hand. Her characteristics profile will make her storehouse of secrets, but people wouldn't know any of hers.

Her personal life will be out of bounds for everyone. At the same time, she will never tell the secrets that have been confided in her, not even to you. Even with you, she will have a private part and its better not to pry. That does not mean she is dishonest. Infact, she will be so brutally honest that, at times, she may hurt people in the process. Like a typical Scorpio, she will choose her friends very carefully and the credible ones will remain with her throughout her life. She will never maintain a relationship with unworthy people.

Determination and will power are her basic personality traits. She can use them anytime to come out of anything that is negative. If you have been able to win the true love of a Scorpio female, you can be sure you will never feel lonely again. She will be totally devoted to you and even if you two don't get married for any reasons beyond your control, her love for you will not change. She is one of those who believe in the phrase 'Till Death Do Us Apart'. Rather than overshadowing her husband, she believes in supporting him.

'Behind every successful man, there is a woman'; this idiom is perfect in case of the husband who has a Scorpio wife. For her, the future, the happiness and the dreams of her husband hold the supreme importance. She will always defend him fiercely in public and won't take nicely to anyone taking advantage of him. She will always encourage him to reach for the stars, build his courage and never let him turn back from midway. Scorpio women love their homes and keep them spic and span.

Now comes the dangerous part. A Scorpio girl is extremely jealous and fiercely possessive of her loved ones. She is prone to suspicions; so don't give reasons to be doubtful of you. On the other hand, you will have to control your jealousy, since she will be attracting a lot of members of the opposite sex. She also dislikes being possessed by anyone, including you. In such a scenario, just remember that a Scorpio woman will always be loyal and devoted to you, even in the worst of circumstances.

And then, you know you cannot leave her and it is better to adjust to such a trifle thing. Nobody walks away from a Scorpio, right? As far as money is concerned, she will enjoy it whether she saves it in a piggy bank or splurges it on luxurious things. She is very conscious of her social standards and will never compromise in case of status. She likes power and will sacrifice money and many other things for it. She seems to be very practical, but inside she is very emotional. Like all Scorpios, she will not see any viewpoint in case of her own emotions.

A Scorpio female has a sense of fairness and justice. If you don't wish her good morning one day after a fight, she will do the same for the next four days. The same goes for generosity also. If you do one kind deed for her, she will do four in return. As a mother, she will extremely possessive of her children and will care for them. However, she may not express her love openly and this is something you will have to teach her. She will make them independent, fair, strong and proud of themselves, the way she is of them. She will encourage them to develop their innate talents and make sure they don't go unnoticed.

A Scorpio woman can drown you in her passion. But then, she can also bring you to safety when the raft becomes too dicey. She can provide you her calm and steady support in the worst of circumstances. Once you win her love, you will never be lonely again. Your food will be perfectly baked and she will grind fresh coffee for you. You will always come back to a spotless home, radiating with the aura of her magnetic personality, the charm of her deep beauty and the warmth of her everlasting love!

OCtober...

whattt the fuck... so why the hell is everyone excited about my birthday but me? Like not at all enthused about it. and I always am. Maybe it's the stage of my life where Im just like whatever.

blah...

So I was reading honey mag... and MY wife... Solange was in it.. talking about why she cut her hair.. and I agree with it.. it's cool.

think about it ladies.. How much effort do you put into your hair?? spending hours in the hair shop, spending money on chemicals? I used to spend at least an hour on mine.... so since december, I have saved myself an hour a day. lol. that's a lot of free time, to take naps, watch tv, do stuff that you never had time to.. shit read a book...


it's a werid thing.. because not that I don't have hair, women are more apt to speak to me, and or approach me, but I am not what I would call a hardcore stud... I am just me, a 23 year old black woman.. when I used to approach women I would be intrested in they would instantly turn me down. but I still dress the same, but dont have any hair, and the reaction is wayyy different.

everyone is saying don't grow it back, but I really want to go completley natrual, like loc'n my hair.

I don't know but its kind of freeing to not have any hair, just get up and go, and scratch my head up and go.. lol. Im still sexy.. LOL.

bueaty is within the eye of the beholder, when you are hairless, there is nothing that you can hide.. my ears, my eyes, my scars are going to be 10 times more visible to the outer world, any insecurities will be pushed forward because now you have nothing to hide from...

but I think I made the right choice.. now what sits on my dresser isn't hair products.. but just a brush and some oil for when i get flaky..LOL


think about it, what would you be without your hair?


Latley... I have been feeling really lonley.. I don't know if it's due to the personal issues I am having or just a need that needs to be fufilled... Like I want to cuddle, and jus be up under someone.. I know that it probally won't happen.. but hey.. we all have needs...


I can't wait untill the end of october, I get to see my sorors! all of them.. a whole weekend of just my ladies... just chillin and talking to eachother, I havent seen my line sisters in over a year... let alone met most of the sorors.. so this will be a great opprotunity for me... I need a vacation anyways.