woulda been the one.

yeah I woulda been the one to fall hoplessly in fuckin love.

blah...

so as the song plays in the background.. I write...

I been writing in my journal, but I figured I would express this publicly.

SO i been away, reflecting on my thoughts and during a bonding session someone said something to me that struck a sour note:

"Its very hard for me to be selfish, I am so used to doing stuff for people, that when I think about me.. and doing things purley for my enjoyment, it makes me uncomfortable"

I have instant buyers remorse. as soon as I swipe and or do anything for myself, I feel horribly bad, Like i could have spent my time doing something kind for someone else... and or spent the money on something that my family needs...

SO im working on that.. and if you have been a follower for a while, then you know I have been struggling with some issues, but the smoke is clearing, and I think that I am getting better at making decisions with my mind, and not my heart anymore, not saying that the part of me... is dead, but it's time to do something to make myself happy.. because what I have learned is that nothing can determine your happiness but yourself...

So don't entertain thoughts of what could be, just do it... don't think, or second guess myself( that's been the hardest part of it all) just to be sure that the decisions that I am making are the right decisions for me, or feeling guilty because I chose not to help anymore, or just ignoring the "noise" in my life that isn't helping me progress as a person.... I know that this is going to work out for me...


just because its the past, doesnt mean that it's not going to provide a tool for your future, I have lived and learned alot in my 23 years... and what I have learned the most is, sometimes you need to put you first.... to be happy with what you are doing, where you are, and how you are going to get there....

so..

thank you to my past, thank you to the constant change, and the fact that it keeps me on my feet, thanks for the bumps as bruises... because they provide intergrity to my deep dark bueatiful skin... thank you to you... all of you who have been as part of my journey, but aren't a part of my progression now... because my tears help me, be better,

Reptutaion is for time, but character is for eternity...

thank you for reading, thank you for being there, and thank you for letting me be who i am despite my circumstance...