fuck.

so i sit here, listening to seeing sounds. and I wish you could actually see a sound.


like what would the sound of hurt look like? red? blinding?


Im tired of meeting representatives... bllaaahh..


so... my favorite song on rih's album.. is cold case love.

so as emotions- by destiny's child plays...


I hate to think about love. cause i don't feel like love has ever done anything great for me, besides break my fuckin heart. or make me question my self esteem...


so... i don't think im going to invest any emotion.

i just told my friend that.. I have a wonderful friend, but can't trust anything she says at all.. like she says she misses me, I hear her.. but i don't FEEL her.

I FEEL like..


its a waste of time..


please don't waste my time...


have a good day.

promises promises...

why do we make promises? lol. I mean I try to keep my word, because as a woman I feel like you should stick to whatever you said you were going to do period. I don't like being let down so why should I let others down?

promises are a werid thing, for someone to PROMISE you something is like giving a person a million dollars, and then taking it away when the promise isn't fufilled... it's strange in that way.

promises are deal breakers... promises aren't for pessmistic people. but if you were promised something, you always look forward to it, and I think it's time for me to stop promising anything to anyone, because nobody makes promises to me...

relationships period, even down to the most insignificant ones are hard to deciper bullshit from the real....

"she who cares the least runs the relationship"

blah. so what do you think of promises?


I have a love hate relationship with them. the only person who has promised me anything and has always done it, is my mother... she's the best.


but on another note, im thinking about becoming a vegeterian again, and growing my hair back. lol. boy, i don't think im ready for that akward stage that is natural hair...

i really want it back for some reason. i don't know why...

My theory

My theory.. Is that, nice guys will never be anything to whom they truly want..

Why, because you are overlooked on a constant basis...

You dont matter, your feelings dont matter, you are important when someone is having a crisis...

And...

It doesnt matter how you feel, just them.. Cause thats what youre here for..

I understand this because i am this, yeeep, the nice guy, the one who never gets the girl because the whore/ jerk is way more appealing to her...because women prefer to be treated with insignificance, because it makes them feel significant....

And from a nice guys veiw, it bothers me, it makes me feel less than.

Like why am i good to wipe tears? But nothing else?

I guess...

Why care, or even worry about the next when im sure they never really cared or will never worry about me?

Why does it matter at all?

Blah, why does it matterrrrr.. At alll...

Im feeling truly conflicted guys.. Like help me out with this, am i going to ever be able to just care without being portrayed as "soft" or a "pushover" ? I am a grown woman, i stand on my own two feet, like why wouldnt a person want to be with someone who cares about them enough to do little things, i got my own money, so im not worried about that, why wouldnt you want someone who puts your needs and your relationship first?

Maybe i am jus bad luck..

I know all of this cant be all my damn fault. Lol. But i guesssssss...


Im learning, but i really think this is changing my outlook on women in general.. And not in a good way.

Now im scared.. That nobody is going to like that part of me. So i end up staying super gaurded, because everytime i let my gaurd down, i feel like im being slapped in the face... And i really need to protect my face. lmaooo.


Thats it for now dudes and dudettes. Lol

NO celings!

yep. it's been on repeat...

but, my favorite song is "single"

because I jus feel that shit... like really... he put between a rock and a hard place... shit's crazy


"she text me all day and night, so pissed of she ain't spellin shit right, I text her back , and tell her it's life"

just some shit, is stupid to me, and now I look at things like , ha that was a joke... lmao.

Im starting to feel some type of way about relationships, girls like jerks, and when im not a jerk it never goes well...

women are trifilin... lol. I have encountered in like three weeks, the most questionable women ever. shit period. lol.

but im learning how to weed out the bullshit, filter the noise, and just do me... :)

I had a wonderful birrthhdayyy...


"I ain't trippin of nothin, Im sippin somethin' and homeboy said he got a bad btch for me.... ifff yaaa singgglllee puttt yahh handdds up" lol.

have a good day bastards.

some people prefer...

disrespect...

I never thought about it.

but they do..

some women would prefer for me to treat them like shit, than for me to be able to be myself... I noticed that.. when I decide I want to be werid ol' me... it back fires.. when i say words like "stoked" they laugh. when i wanna treat them like they mean something to me, they give me they ass to kiss. so i truthfully feel like nobody is going to be okay with me and who i am.

but when i be like bitch shut the fuck up. they love it. lol.


sigh. women...


but.. im feeling good today...

someone sent me a random text.. and i haven't been feeling...the greatest with some things, but I recived a text that made me feel like a million stacks man...

I forgot...

like really forgot.. that theres a million fishes in the sea..

i don't need you and you don't need me..

Like i had noooo idea, i still have the love bug symptoms, but, now I see them... I never saw them...this shit is crazyyyyyy.... But everything happens for a reason, and sometimes shit just aint meant to be understood... You jus gotta keep it pushiiinnnn..

goodnight..

an open letter to love.

dear love,

thanks.. for making me see, what it is that you mean to me, but I got some questions for you, because I really don't understand what you do..

why do i feel this way, when you were taken away?
I mean Im here feeling the same, but well, love you done switched up the game, i thought that I could do it, just go on and be on my merry way, but love you playing games that aren't okay..

why do I feel like this, why do i miss what love gives, I never been one to care, and now i jus feel totally unprepared...

love..

can you just awnser me please? just tell me why I always feel shortchanged... why my feelings always remain, and why im always left alone. what am I doing wrong for this problem to occur..

Love if you just let me be loved, then I might be okay, but love you don't want it that way.. love... you make me upset, and make me wish that I could have never met.. a person who brought you to my life..

love, you make me feel inadequate, insecure, and just sad...

not saying that you always did that, but now I am dealing with your aftermath...

love why do I feel some way, I just want this to go away.... love, why won't you fix me.. cause I really need to get rid of our bad history.. Love.. if you could just wipe what you did away... I would be okay.. but you're all I think about...

why you came and bit me??

why you give me the love bug? why not give it to someone who could be loved back? or give it away to someone who knows how to receive this gift and not feel as though it was a curse, because you love.. make me feel cursed...

Ill be 24 on Saturday, and all I want for my birthday is to get rid of you.. LOVE i don't want to love you... love.. just leave me alone, I was fine before you came, and now love you make me absolutely in-fuckin-sane.

so love for my birthday all I want is to be let go of, maybe one day I'll come back , but truthfully the way that I feel ... I doubt that, I don't want you to make an impact on me any more...

I just want to be love free, so please love can you just set me free...



sincerely,

Sharda' Latrise Beverly.

sit that shit down..

yes. bitch. sit it the fuck down. I wish someone would have said that to me last night.

lol. that's my phrase when someone is doing too much..

so last night, I got super wasted, and boyy... was it an expirence.. sooo.. yeah.

so i got wasted, because me and love werent getting along... and it was clear that love was winning the fight saturday night.. ugh...

"friends" are overrated.. I am accostomed to being alone, and now i feel this huge lonliness that I don't want to be a part of anymore...


how do I fix that...

I really think something is wrong with me... Im stuck..

ugh.. no more drinking... well at least after november 7th, 2009 :)

woulda been the one.

yeah I woulda been the one to fall hoplessly in fuckin love.

blah...

so as the song plays in the background.. I write...

I been writing in my journal, but I figured I would express this publicly.

SO i been away, reflecting on my thoughts and during a bonding session someone said something to me that struck a sour note:

"Its very hard for me to be selfish, I am so used to doing stuff for people, that when I think about me.. and doing things purley for my enjoyment, it makes me uncomfortable"

I have instant buyers remorse. as soon as I swipe and or do anything for myself, I feel horribly bad, Like i could have spent my time doing something kind for someone else... and or spent the money on something that my family needs...

SO im working on that.. and if you have been a follower for a while, then you know I have been struggling with some issues, but the smoke is clearing, and I think that I am getting better at making decisions with my mind, and not my heart anymore, not saying that the part of me... is dead, but it's time to do something to make myself happy.. because what I have learned is that nothing can determine your happiness but yourself...

So don't entertain thoughts of what could be, just do it... don't think, or second guess myself( that's been the hardest part of it all) just to be sure that the decisions that I am making are the right decisions for me, or feeling guilty because I chose not to help anymore, or just ignoring the "noise" in my life that isn't helping me progress as a person.... I know that this is going to work out for me...


just because its the past, doesnt mean that it's not going to provide a tool for your future, I have lived and learned alot in my 23 years... and what I have learned the most is, sometimes you need to put you first.... to be happy with what you are doing, where you are, and how you are going to get there....

so..

thank you to my past, thank you to the constant change, and the fact that it keeps me on my feet, thanks for the bumps as bruises... because they provide intergrity to my deep dark bueatiful skin... thank you to you... all of you who have been as part of my journey, but aren't a part of my progression now... because my tears help me, be better,

Reptutaion is for time, but character is for eternity...

thank you for reading, thank you for being there, and thank you for letting me be who i am despite my circumstance...

typo...

sooo... Im typing on my wii, i brought a keyboard for this shit its pretty cool, i thought i broke the shit tho..lol.... anyways I am stoked that today is my day off, im enjoying it early... ha haha ha ha....

Im going to get cute tomorrow, and probally go get a haircut, haircuts always make me feel extra hot...lol... idk what im gonna do but it's gonna be a good day, im sure of it..... me and my homie gonna chill, we havent chilled in the longest time.... and I wanna go see paranormal activity!!! yayyyyayyayyay! lmao... I wish I had my movie buddie to go with but hey... maybe the next time....


maybe...

its october and they said its supposed to snow... geesh... it didn't even make it to my birthday this year...


speaking of birthdays, why am i the only one who appricates getting older, i cannot wait to get old yo... that means that I have lived, I've done some good, ya kno'? cause to live a long life is a hard thing.. life is hard, you never know what's going to happen, so to see another year...... to me... means I have done something right...


and that's gotta count for something.....



everthine. evermine. everours - AHHH MY FAVE QUOTE EVER,


I wanna watch sex in the city....



byeeeeeeeeee.

T.O.N.Y

the other night, why..

did I empty out my savings account.. wtf.. I am trippin... lol.


but nah, I need to go, just get outta here...

Changes have occured and I need the space and the time to myself... its crazy how things change soo much.. how things force you to grow up... how things just make you a person that you never thought you would be... and I don't really like the person that I have become...

someone told me that I am a "preparer" I prepare people for life... take care of them, love them... and then... they leave...

Interesting...

but over all this summer was an eye opener... boooyyyyyy

so im going on vacation, alone... and if time progresses, maybe my new friend will come... but I doubt I want that to happen...


I need to be alone.. to get me together, persuit of happiness so to speak... and I promised myself that I would be happier by my birthday, I would have what I needed, whatever that was...


let things goooo, clarity, peice of mind, forgivness, clousure... whatever I need... it's going to be done.. I need to live regret free, and as of recently, all i feel is regret, hurt and anger.. and if you knew who i was... then you would know that this isn't a life i would want to continue to lead..

since I could actually think for myself, I have been taking care of or trying to fix someone... but I think it's time to fix myself...

for the first time in weeks, I am smiling because it feels good..


damn.

:)

closing and opening chapters

so I believe that, during the years of 18-21 you find yourself.. and then 24-27 you figure out where you wanna be...

so... coming up on my 24th... I have been feeling very unhappy, and I think it's because I feel like I'm not where I am supposed to be... and I feel like I'm not there... I feel like I should have be further...


I feel like Im out growing things, people, and my environment...

Growin' up...

I felt like one of those cartoons, and im walking and a rain cloud was just following me.. This summer has been an intresting one.. I have truly learned. Alot... And it has helped me sooo much... My aunt said "baby live, just live" life is full of lessons.. And in my 23 years... I have had my fair share of lessons.. And im looking forward to learning, loving, evolving, and living...


but the more things I do..to move in a positive direction.... I feel better... and the sun is coming out..it's better... it always gets better...

I'm happier, I'm doing things for me, and Im feeling super good about all of that... and hopefully this time next year... I am going to be happy... and on the path to where I wanna be...


side note: it takes more energy to be negative, than postive... it takes more muscles to frown than smile.. and hugs feel great.. so smile when you see someone.. see you tomorrow..

:) each day.the rain goes away.. And brings the sunshine... So admire it. Be inspired by it..:)

yep thats me...

The beauty of a Scorpio woman is exceptional, mysterious and totally magnetic. She knows that and is proud of herself. She will control her wish to dominate and will let a man lead in a relationship, atleast during courtship. She knows how to hypnotize a man and gets successful, more often than not. Don't expect a Scorpio female to rush into your arms in front of a thousand people and shout her feelings at the top of her voice. Instead, she will come close to you, glance at you in a sensual way and whisper the most romantic words in a seductive tone.

If you are not sincere with your feelings, don't even try to get close to a Scorpio girl. With those beautiful, penetrating eyes of hers, she can read exactly what is on your mind. She can easily make out your real intentions, so Don't Flirt. It will amount to insulting her and I assure you, insulting her is not at all good for your health. Even when her tone is soothing, her disposition kind and her smile generous, she can be planning the most powerful retaliation. When a Scorpio woman is insulted or gets hurt, her fury knows no bounds.

Then, she can become the most hard-hearted and most sarcastic person on this earth. If she loves with fierce devotion, she hates with devastating malice. If you are really in love with her, then you need to know more about her. She has a very hypnotic gaze and the moment her eyes meet your, you will go tumbling down in her deep passion. Being noticed by a Scorpio female definitely gives a boost to a man's ego. She needs a man who is stronger than she is and weakness in him won't get her sympathy at all.

He will be expected to behave like a real man, who can dominate her and make her proud. At the same time, he should respect her individuality. He should be better looking than average, with an intellect, philosophical and totally masculine. He must also be ambitious and able to handle tough situation with poise. After she gets committed, a Scorpio female will shower you with all her love and attention. Her whole life will start revolving around you and she will be extremely loyal and exceedingly passionate.

She is passionate with everything that is related to her. It is almost impossible for her to have neutral feelings. Either she will deeply cherish or fiercely hate. If any of the feelings are not experienced, she will become completely indifferent towards it. Scorpio women, however, never let these feelings show. Her expression will always remain neutral, betraying nothing. Her anger is very bad and it's better to get out of her way when it gets out of hand. Her characteristics profile will make her storehouse of secrets, but people wouldn't know any of hers.

Her personal life will be out of bounds for everyone. At the same time, she will never tell the secrets that have been confided in her, not even to you. Even with you, she will have a private part and its better not to pry. That does not mean she is dishonest. Infact, she will be so brutally honest that, at times, she may hurt people in the process. Like a typical Scorpio, she will choose her friends very carefully and the credible ones will remain with her throughout her life. She will never maintain a relationship with unworthy people.

Determination and will power are her basic personality traits. She can use them anytime to come out of anything that is negative. If you have been able to win the true love of a Scorpio female, you can be sure you will never feel lonely again. She will be totally devoted to you and even if you two don't get married for any reasons beyond your control, her love for you will not change. She is one of those who believe in the phrase 'Till Death Do Us Apart'. Rather than overshadowing her husband, she believes in supporting him.

'Behind every successful man, there is a woman'; this idiom is perfect in case of the husband who has a Scorpio wife. For her, the future, the happiness and the dreams of her husband hold the supreme importance. She will always defend him fiercely in public and won't take nicely to anyone taking advantage of him. She will always encourage him to reach for the stars, build his courage and never let him turn back from midway. Scorpio women love their homes and keep them spic and span.

Now comes the dangerous part. A Scorpio girl is extremely jealous and fiercely possessive of her loved ones. She is prone to suspicions; so don't give reasons to be doubtful of you. On the other hand, you will have to control your jealousy, since she will be attracting a lot of members of the opposite sex. She also dislikes being possessed by anyone, including you. In such a scenario, just remember that a Scorpio woman will always be loyal and devoted to you, even in the worst of circumstances.

And then, you know you cannot leave her and it is better to adjust to such a trifle thing. Nobody walks away from a Scorpio, right? As far as money is concerned, she will enjoy it whether she saves it in a piggy bank or splurges it on luxurious things. She is very conscious of her social standards and will never compromise in case of status. She likes power and will sacrifice money and many other things for it. She seems to be very practical, but inside she is very emotional. Like all Scorpios, she will not see any viewpoint in case of her own emotions.

A Scorpio female has a sense of fairness and justice. If you don't wish her good morning one day after a fight, she will do the same for the next four days. The same goes for generosity also. If you do one kind deed for her, she will do four in return. As a mother, she will extremely possessive of her children and will care for them. However, she may not express her love openly and this is something you will have to teach her. She will make them independent, fair, strong and proud of themselves, the way she is of them. She will encourage them to develop their innate talents and make sure they don't go unnoticed.

A Scorpio woman can drown you in her passion. But then, she can also bring you to safety when the raft becomes too dicey. She can provide you her calm and steady support in the worst of circumstances. Once you win her love, you will never be lonely again. Your food will be perfectly baked and she will grind fresh coffee for you. You will always come back to a spotless home, radiating with the aura of her magnetic personality, the charm of her deep beauty and the warmth of her everlasting love!

OCtober...

whattt the fuck... so why the hell is everyone excited about my birthday but me? Like not at all enthused about it. and I always am. Maybe it's the stage of my life where Im just like whatever.

blah...

So I was reading honey mag... and MY wife... Solange was in it.. talking about why she cut her hair.. and I agree with it.. it's cool.

think about it ladies.. How much effort do you put into your hair?? spending hours in the hair shop, spending money on chemicals? I used to spend at least an hour on mine.... so since december, I have saved myself an hour a day. lol. that's a lot of free time, to take naps, watch tv, do stuff that you never had time to.. shit read a book...


it's a werid thing.. because not that I don't have hair, women are more apt to speak to me, and or approach me, but I am not what I would call a hardcore stud... I am just me, a 23 year old black woman.. when I used to approach women I would be intrested in they would instantly turn me down. but I still dress the same, but dont have any hair, and the reaction is wayyy different.

everyone is saying don't grow it back, but I really want to go completley natrual, like loc'n my hair.

I don't know but its kind of freeing to not have any hair, just get up and go, and scratch my head up and go.. lol. Im still sexy.. LOL.

bueaty is within the eye of the beholder, when you are hairless, there is nothing that you can hide.. my ears, my eyes, my scars are going to be 10 times more visible to the outer world, any insecurities will be pushed forward because now you have nothing to hide from...

but I think I made the right choice.. now what sits on my dresser isn't hair products.. but just a brush and some oil for when i get flaky..LOL


think about it, what would you be without your hair?


Latley... I have been feeling really lonley.. I don't know if it's due to the personal issues I am having or just a need that needs to be fufilled... Like I want to cuddle, and jus be up under someone.. I know that it probally won't happen.. but hey.. we all have needs...


I can't wait untill the end of october, I get to see my sorors! all of them.. a whole weekend of just my ladies... just chillin and talking to eachother, I havent seen my line sisters in over a year... let alone met most of the sorors.. so this will be a great opprotunity for me... I need a vacation anyways.

bullshit....

So... I just been bullshittin.... Alllll dayyyy this is great... Been watching movies all day and i love it.... I had a steak sub.. Smoked a few times... And now im in my pj's and go to dunkin doughnuts and fall out.... I havent had a relaxing day like this in a while... I love lazy sucessful days....they make the best memories....I'm feelin like nothing could bring me down today.... Cudi on deck... Smiles on deck...just a positive vibe all day long .... Mondays is one of my fav days..

you shouldnt wear ur heart on your sleeve...

I shouldnt. it hurts that we may never be together again... And all i feel is guilt... I did my share of things.. Like i ran in my own way from it... Because i was terrifed of someone being able to affect me this much... And now im here... Andmy running has made her push... Away.. To be angry, and resentful of me... I never wanted that... My fear.. Has put me in a position i never wanted to be in.. Has made me insecure... Scared... And coinstantly doubt myself... It made me feel like it was impossible for her to love someone like me... And maybe it is impossible to... The emotion that i have vested here...

Wont happen again... I am terrified of this feeling... I am my hardest critic... Indeed it takes two.. But i feel soley responsible for the failure of my relationship.. I feel like Im self destructing. I feel like I shouldn't care as much... because when you make someone youre everything, when it doesn't work out.... you feel like you don't have anything..

I wonder if she is going to miss me... Or if shes just happy shes free of me...

This wound is going to take a long time to heal...


All i want is to get right with her... For us to get right... And now. I doubt it will ever happen...

Sigh...

I guess im not supposed to win all the time...

Yikes..

I won't dedicate anymore any blogs to her... time for me to get right..

song of the day....

A Little Bit Remix (Ft. Drake) lyrics

Hands down Im too proud for love
but with eyes shut its you im thinkinq of
but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losinq
so i just iqnore you yeah ooooh
but your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind oohhh
and maybe in time,in time, in time i'll tell you ima

chorus
a litle bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
i guess that Ima little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you!

i know you told me break their hearts
but its you i wanna take apart
and i would never ever be the first to say it
but still i they know i-i,i,i

I would do it
push a button
pull a triqqer
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff cuz your my baby
i love you- love you just a little bit

I would do it
you would say it
you would mean it
we could do it
it was you and I, not only I,I

chorus
i think ima a little bit- little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're a little bit- little bit
a little bit in la la la la love with me!

I hope they never find out
what they already know,know,know
as soon as its official we'll have to let it go,go,go
so we dont confirm the flinq
keep avoidinq all the questions
yu can teach me many things
im just scared to learn a lesson

Rap-
the pressures on both hearts beat like a metronome
both in sync like a justin song feels so right but its just soo wronq
i wonda what my world bout when niqqas that i know tryna take my qirl out
and her friends say i aint the one to go for
she just jeaouls cuz you always get approached more
oh well tell her fall back
caught up in some more shit tell her call back
tell her get a man that aint cheatinq on her ass with a girl that i know
yeah tell her all that- that
and as for you i think i know your the one
the closest ive come im privately a..

chorus
a little bit-a little bit- a little bit in love with you
i guess that im a little bit- a little bit
a little bit in love with you.

friday .... september 25th

So I woke up.... And decided that I'm still going to write because if I don't ill probally go insane. Today was my anniversary.... And on top of a list of other emotions and personal issues at home and otherwise.... I just don't feel like a winner today..... I got into it with her last night about what I tell people.... And truthfully I don't tell much all the shit we done been thru you would think she would know that.... The source of my previous posting today was due to a discussion with her and her saying she would never come around my mom or sister.... Or my friends becausei guess she feels I tell them too much.... But I don't... Nobody knows what happened but me her and god... When you tell people things they form biases... And that's why I don't... Because some people don't know the difference between just hearing a friend and taking whatever a person says literally.... My mom really cares for her... And for her to say that bothered me... For seven months you were a fixture in my home... And around my important. People... Specifically my mom... Who calls her .... Her daughter.. Nobody in my house would ever treat her bad... They don't have a right to...


- feel overwhelmed... As usual... I'm tired of waking up and just feeling bad... This morrning in particular I feel horrible... And on top of that me and mom"s communication lines are a little crossed today.... So I worry.... And wonder....


Before I started writing this.... I was crying ... But now I feel better... This is truly a form of release therapy...

- wrote a poem for her for our anniversary...
Should I still give it to her...


I'm not sure.... I feel like she could care less... About what happened with us... I told her yesterday.... I don't want her to try anymore if she feels like I can't make her happy.....

ah...

Happy not-anniversary...

I'm gonna watch greys... And then get this day started... Hopefully it can end on a positive note...

wtf :(

what the fuck.
what the fuck.
what the fuck.


Im still feeling super stressed... and truthfully this is my main outlet. when I write it helps me feel at ease. when I was smaller my anger would consume me to the point where I would black out.. and Had to seek anger management.
but now I guess... I won't write what I feel anymore.. or skribble the awkward thoughts I am feeling. my anger management advisor... in the 8th grade gave me a note book.. I wouldn't talk to him. and it stopped me from fighting people. and being an asshole.

maybe I should find another hobby. because if I think it, say it, or write it... it seems to be wrong.

I give up...

Im just feeling. lost. and hurt. like truly hurt. I sit and I stew and suppress issues. and now , unfortunately it's turned me into a huge mess.

because even though Im friendly im very introverted. I go for spans at times, when I begin to feel this way, not speaking to anyone... I am actually thinking of taking a leave from my sorority.. because I don't want to be around anyone in this state. my best childhood friend, said it took years for him to get to know me. my two best friends don't know the things I told her. things that I always kept to myself. those fears, insecurities, and issues... when they ask how im doing. I say fine. just fine. because I don't want to burden anyone... most people call or talk to me for advice... they need me so I choose to just try to work on me, alone...

I quit. Im done blogging.

like.. I thought maybe writing this blog, would help me cope with things.. but I guess not.

I guess it's just me, myself, and I... Minus the notebook.. or the computer screen..

...

solo dolo.

I feel so stressed... so.. like overwhelmed. so much so that my thoughts consume me... I dont sleep much anymore... and I think it's due to all the worry. I am. a. worry.wart.


she used to say I think too much.. and now that I am here writing I think I do... lol..I have a few friends... and they say it too...

worry produces fear.

i wish i could just know what it feels like to have nothing on your mind. just nothing.

not things like:
I wonder if she loves me...
as much as I love her...
Im upset about this i wonder
if she is, or if it even bothers her...
if she loved me...
why would she say that...
if she loved me...
why would she do that....

I wish that it could have continued forever. but i guess it's just not meant for us...When I say this is a love that I have never had, it truly is, the wave of sadness on me is different from anything I have ever felt before...anyone else I befriended after... but I don't think I could be friends with her.. I am so attached, and feel more than even I thought I could imagine. I do things and say things so differently. I handled her differently from any woman I have ever dated.EVER...UGH. I love her.so. much.


and a list of other emotions... and feelings and worries.. no matter what I do, those above questions blurr into my thoughts...I don't want them to. I should be sure. like everyone else. Im sure I want to be in it for the long haul.... but I ask if she is and worry... and worry.. and worry...

and then...

back to what I was originally doing.

words. are just words. but words leave a scar that you cannot see.

and

then again.. words make you remember who you are.


cheers...


I really hope this feeling goes away soon..

3:58 am

so yesterday (Monday) was the coolest day..It was relaxing, and the past week or so has been extremely stressful... to the point where anything I ate I was throwing up... I was shaking all the time, and just in constant tears for a week straight... Saturday we buried my aunt... and IM glad that part is over... May she rest in peace.....

Maybe I'm obsessive.. someone is playing on my phone. the calls finally stopped. but then I called VZW.. to see if they could help me out with it, the told me to go online... it's cool to see what and when someone makes calls... seeing as though I can see all texts and calls now.. hmmm... this maybe a good or bad thing. me and my ex share an account. I'm tempted to go thru her records... but then that would be childish of me...SO i'm not.. I trust that if it's really like that. she will tell me, cause I would tell her...

speaking of ex-girlfriend. since the last post we have been talking and getting along... up until Sunday night... damn we couldn't even make it like 8 days...all over a question, last Tuesday I asked if we were back together and she spazzed out... like Major, and said no. so feelings hurt I sucked it up and just said hey... i'll enjoy the ride...

So I haven't seen like a really sweet side to her in a long time, and all week she was showing it. Idk I was a little nervous about it... so when on sunday we were talking about money, she said something really sweet and i kinda was threw off.. because she isn't a deep feelings person. it made me feel good.

Oh OH. so here goes why... she posts something on twitter about me being her gf... so I ask when did she ask me out. because last like tuesday she said " did I say we go out, I will say it when we do" so when I asked I guess that offended her something awful. cause we still aren't speaking. Maybe I hurt her feelings... Idk.... But I said Hello today and she was acting stank. but then bbm'd me about our phone bill.. so Idk what it is.. I can't seem to make her happy, and it seems like she always finds something wrong with what I say or do...


It kinda bothers me... and maybe if we are going to stay broken up we need to cut all internet ties... because I see her tweets and statuses on everything I sign in to.. and at like 9:30 it said she was out and about.. with whom.. I don't know, but it kind of bothered me ya' kno? and then two hours later it said "this is great" Idk what she was talking about, but it put a knot in my stomach... Like what if she is seeing someone else? what if she is just mad at me and doing something spiteful, like hanging out with someone from her past. Lets be honest, we haven't been clicking very much. But I honestly do love her.. and I would be sad if she moved on.... it's like... well... this age of technology... it's apparent that you are seeing someone.. and now there's not a trace of "us" on any of her pages at all... she took me off her Myspace, and said I told her to, so that's why she did it... but I was mad, and so what I told you to, I have told you before... and you never did it. but you just did... so I think our time is up... unfortunately. and it's bothering me... but not as much as it was last week.. I guess with time... it does heal all wounds...

Ohhh how I wish that we could just be together... and just let all this bullshit go... just be about us... and I told her that today.. but she was still into her feelings apparently.. so I guess.. it's a wrap for all that.

My mom is like you were good to her, and I believe I was.. and she says she's gonna miss me and the way I treated her... but I doubt it. I doubt that I had that much of an affect on her life, I doubt that she is feeling what Im feeling.. because she broke up with me... Like I asked if we were together because I genuinely want to be..but me wanting to communicate I think always leaves me with my feelings hurt and her laughing at me. or thinking Im a joke.

sometimes... I wish I didn't love her as much as I do.. Maybe it would be easier... and I would write blogs that didn't consist of her...

ugh. back to sleep I go.

first 48.

so I was at seven 11 and this west Indian man was drunk out of his mind.... I asked him if he was okay... and he said no... his daughter was shot down on Hudson ave, she was 12 years old. this is a humbling experience... and for some reason the events continued and ended around 7 pm today.

So in the last 48 hours, I got a phone call from my grandma... saying my aunt is in hospice, this by the way is one of my favorite aunts in the world, she's a balls to the wall woman, she's hilarious and always made me smile. life of the party type of woman, someone who has been thru things and learned from them... she had stage four colon cancer... I said I was going to go tomorrow, but something said to go today... so I smoked because I threw up when my grandma called... because I was so stressed due to other things going on... I dragged my feet and dragged my feet.. and got in the car and went...

when I got there... she was looking peaceful like she had nothing to worry about. ever watch someone sleep? it was just great.... and then i talked to her, and as soon as I walked to sit down she died. 6:10 pm today... I lost someone who was a foundation of my family, a rock.... just like the rest of the black women in my life.. someone I would never be able to compare to, someone who I aspire to be like, she gave it a good fight.. she was supposed to die over the summer but she made it.... and I had one last good time with her, I cooked her some fish and broccoli, and she gave out the best kisses and thank yous for that meal.. I promise I wont ever forget how short life is.. and when I am grouping about life... Ill remember that someone has to fight more to be here, than I do, so stop taking it for granted....




so in the last 48 hours. my relationship is over...


that has me bummed, but all in all i think that maybe it was time to end, even thought I myself didn't want it to... It's really unfortunate. i know it's not all my fault, but i feel like it is.. I feel like maybe there isn't any hope for people like me... The things that happened made me insecure, unsure, and second guess myself. and I shouldn't be doing that. I should know by now that someone wants to be with me for me. and I couldn't see that, and when you are filled with doubt... bad things can happen... Im hurt about it, but what can I do. we spoke today, but you can tell that things are changing, and I do love her alot. and maybe we need a break to mature and grow because I know its stuff I need to change... but maybe it's all for the best...

I sit and think and while I listened to her last breaths that, only god can do this, make someone see what they have been missing, humble you... and change the way you go thru life...

take care guys.

release therapy

so i haven't truly scribed down my feelings in a while... how is everyone.. I know I am slacking on my posts. but im human forgive me guys!

as of right now, life is kicking me in the balls... lol.

Im in love, like that deep can't think, cant breathe love, and to be honest... it's a love I have never been in before...

I don't think Im equipped to deal well, I think too much, and I have a big big problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve..

how do I take care of that? I mean lessen the way that I care, or just shut it off. for a long time i could just shut that off, and for some reason this one, this one woman, opened up those feelings again like Pandora's box. and now I want them to shut off..

when you deal with people and specifically emotions, you have to come to certain realizations, and self actualization's, and i don't think im ready for that, sad, but true.. I feel like it's a slap in the face...


love shouldn't feel bad... and on top of that, I think that my issues with just the things going on in my life don't help that either.. so I think all day, all day, and I wonder all day, and worry all day, and I just need something else to focus on, I am on summer vacay... but I am absolutely dying to go back to work and prefer the stress of working than dealing with my feelings potentially being hurt, yes this feeling should only be temporary, but what do you do when your feelings and the thing you want to last the most doesn't?


what do I do now, start from scratch, I broke my own heart? how do you just live with out any regrets, I admire people who don't care,like truly. because it's impossible for me not to.. my mom says underneath the tough guy is the most loving person you will ever meet.. and she's always said that. loving someone and showing someone the pure essence of you is difficult and when you do... you pray that they accept that from you. and pray that they love you as much as you love them... and I hope she loves me... I really do. maybe we just need some time and space...


the next time i write.. I hope to have all these things sorted out...

you tube...

hello! me again, so I was watching this you tube video, about why there aren't any good "men" around, and the woman stated that if you are searching for something what can you bring to the table... if you want a person with money, and you're broke with bad credit, you aren't putting out those positive vibes to bring that person to you.

I truly agree with that, the company you keep speaks mountains of you and your character.. how you want things to be in your life, or the mate so to speak that you want, will show themselves when you make it possible for them to enter your life, so if you are around a bunch of negative people, that's the type of people that enter and stay in your life.

I think this woman was right, and if you keep a bunch of losers, then you will be a loser, you're going to date a loser, and have loser babies.. LOL.


strive for more people. lmao.


what do you bring to the table, what can you contribute to the "dream" person? can you hold your own weight? can you communicate? can you be selfless and considerate? just like you want them to be?


ask yourself that, and get back to me...

laying in the dark.

So I'm laying in the dark. I hear the tv. But imma turn it down.. so.. my mind is kinda wanderin because I don't know what to do. I love her. And.. well we fight so much. But like we have a good week and then a horrible fighting spree. I invited her over.. and it's still weird. Maybe I'm the reason we fight. Maybe my gaurd is up. But I mean I think its down I say things I normally don't and don't have the absoulte urge to call her all kinds of bittches.. I usually woulda been cussed her to no end and that woulda been that. Maybe my attention span is lacking.. but I do wanna be there. And when we fight I don't. I dnt like confrontation. And I do see a future. But I mean...






Blah.

So. I am off for the summer what to do? I wanna road trip but I'm broke. I wanna do some stufffffffffffff.. idk. Gimme sum ideassss.. please. I wanna finish tatting myself too.. work of art. Hopefully. I can do it big this summer but I got some time and I need to hustle up...for the raging bull 5 packs... may 30 ... time is ticking away.. my mom wants to throw a bbq for her bday I wanna get sumthin nice. Idk.


Ideas please...


Later dayz.. hey wat happened to the weekenders cartoon. I liked it.

long time no read...

Sorry subscribers.. I been busy. But now that I'm off work for the summer means more time to think and write... isn't that great? LOL.. well much of nothing has been going on.. jus chillin. Working on finding a summer job and shit like that.. but overall I think I'm good... I have a girfriend.. and its actually a sucessful relationship... when we aren't arguing. Which I mean we don't argue that often.. but yeahh.. I guess I lost a friend too.. cause for some reason she thinks everyone is out to get her.. and idk if I wanna put up with that.. oh well fck it!

So... my life has been pretty good. I miss my sorors but.. pretty good.. I have neen thinking and money really doesn't make ther person. You can have tons of cash and everyone is still gonna think ur a dickwad... but its you and your actions that make you loveable or jus help you make your way in this crazy world... I jus feel like who you are shouldn't be because of what you have.. but what you have done for the world....


Soooo maxwell.. is hawt.. and I dnt even like the fellas.. he's soooo swave..::snap snap:: 7/7/09 I will be in line to buy his album! Yay! This dude helped me thru one of the most traumatic years of my life... 8th grade... him and layrn hill.. music really saved my life.. and I will be forver greatful to music for helping me out....

So.. what I really came to talk abt.. insecurities... so why do they exist? What happened to make you feel infenior? Why do you want to be looked at in a certain light or be on someones list of approval?

"It's over and done, but the heartache lives on... inside" -destiny's child: emotion-

Pandora is the best.. esp on my bbery! :)

Anyways..

What makes you insecure.. love? Life? Or jus circumstances that we cannot control? Is it the urge to be loved? Or were you jus not loved enough? Cause I find myself being insecure every once and a while, or jus second guessing myself..... for what I don't know...last night I had a moment.. and it's crazy how she can read my mind.. and ask what's wrong. She always knows when something is bothering me.. always.. I can't even lie. Lol. She jus keeps asking.. and. It drives me craxy because sometimes I jus wanna be left alone in my thoughts...


Omg pandora is the truth. Yooouuu brrriinnnggg mmmeeeee jjooooyyyyy...SING IT ANITA! LOL


Anyways..
So what do you guys think... what makes someone insecure? Cause I have no idea what brings up my insecurities....




Love....live...give...life...

Sharda'.Latrise.

ugh

STOP


SENDING

ME

OBAMA

FORWARDS


WHAT THE FUCK.

is it me???

is it me? really? maybe Im jus destined for failure in these relationships, because it seems like I fail at them all the time...

trust is something you should have, and I know it takes time for you to earn it, but what didn't I do for you not to trust me, I have not been anything like your past endeavors, for you to treat me as such.

and my issues with gaurding myself have proven to be a whole 'nother can of worms. I feel as if i keep myself garuded that I can keep myself from being hurt, so I want to leave before anything bad happens like me getting hurt, which isn't gong to get me anywehre, and I feel like is a terrible defense mechanisim. but when you are a feeling, living, breathing individual, there comes a time when you have to stop doing that. and face your fears. and maybe some day soon I can actually do that, just let my garud down and hope for the best. I really don't wanna fuck this up, but it seems like I am going to fuck it up royally.

stalker alert.

so my stalker im'ed me and was like yo. you go out with so and so, and Im like how the heck did this bitch find out about me and my girl? she's crazzzyy! she like she love me and she dont know me, and she don't know shit about me, I treated her good, but what the fuck. I liked you but you dated my friend like a week before you met me. what the fuck. and you mad. for what? live your life hoe.

love me long time.

so.. yeah what's up with this people liking me all of a sudden now that I have a girlfriend? the mami's wasn't checking for me before and now they saying shit like please give me another chance. and Im jus shocked by it. when I was there willing to put my all in to these shitty people hoping that they would love me back, it wasn't happening, and now you have a revelation?

whatever.

but I also feel like maybe I am too nice sometimes, and that I have been taken advantage of. and I jus hope that someone will see that one day I am someone who deserves the same treatment that I give out. and maybe someone will realize that. but untill then I guess im jus gnna be chillin here.

the skinny girl means a lot, but idk if this is what she wants, sometimes....

Idk i jus feel like someitmes, i jus don't have it in me. my friend said to stop being so negative about love and all dat ... but idk

sometimes a person is nothing but their past encounters, and sometimes those encounters make you build walls, and forgive me for fighting you, but my heart isn't for sale, unless i find that you are deserving of that heart. yes, it's cold and unfiar, but sometimes, it's best....

the fucked up thing is, that I might miss out on my blessing trying to fix my heart. but Im workin on that, one day at a time, and she seems to want to work with me and help me help us, which in turn we are helping each other, which is a good thing. I have yet to get tired of hanging with her all the time, and that's a good thing, cause I have the shortest attention span ever...


I wanna doo it. LOL.

see that's exactly what I mean.. where did that come from.

so me an ryan started a new blog, called the nice guy vs. the jerk, and it's pretty much our point of veiw on life. lol. this should be intresting.

later days.


blahh goes the lioness.

why

am I awake?

I still feel like shit! geesh. and I have post nasal drip so I am very unhappy in the mornings sometimes. and I'm really tired actually! I jus washed my hair, and I really don't feel good..

SUPERfical.

so. things like the internet and such bother me.

why do you think I would be compelled to care about a status on myspace, facebook, or aol inst. messenger.

you would think that I know better and I do, but due to the hegemonic society.. I sometimes succomb to this, such as being bothered by statuses on any of the three things I forementioned.

I don't care for the most part, but it's unfortunate when you do. because to a person that is into all of these things, what you do speaks volumes about you and your character. for a person that spends hours at a time uploading countless photos and posting comments, and such, that would matter, but to me it doesn't and sometimes it does, it urked me a tad today, but...


my point is that if your world revolves around it, then it will be come a destruction, these sites are supposed to be hobbies, not an obession, and when you do feed in to the bullshit that is america's way of communication, then you fail. why would I care about that, yes, the internet tells you a lot of things, but it cannot tell me how I feel about "you"

If you feed in to the things that I guess people are into, then you are doomed to be forever sterotyped, and catergorized. peopole don't even write letters anymore. shit, I text my mom and she stays a floor below me. wtf?!??!? I have be come lazy in doing what I do to express myself and or even jus being vocal about my needs and or wants for my life. blah...


it seems as though I may want to delete this "sites" jus for my own good. shit.....


I really do like the way things are going...


blah goes the lioness.

speakerboxx/love below

so prototype is playing on pandora. 2003 speakerboxx and the love below released. the love below, put andre 3000 as one of the best artists.. (to me) of all time, his whole album was very very of kilter and different, if you haven't bumped it, try "dracula's wedding", "pink and blue" and shit... jus the whole album... :)

sorry. it's been a while, but I have been busy living my life, and such, and kinda forgot about this outlet here, and picked up a nasty habit, smoking!!! ugh. but yesterday I quit, becasue it's not very becoming... and not good for me, someone special keeps saying that it's shortens 7 seconds of my life, everytime I smoke, so I gotta quit...

so lets play fast forward, my love life is pretty progressive, it's going well, my skinny girl is awesome, with her slight temper tantrums and such, but she's really sweet.. a bit of a brat but really sweet. we fall asleep on the fone together, and I think that I am in like.. lol. yah for me.. LOL.

but.. I am jus not sure about it, I sometimes feel like I don't know where I stand with her, because she doesn't express her emotions much, but is always telling me to shut up, idk, maybe i got it in the bag... but I seriously doubt it. so... blah whatever.. i guess one day at a time eh...

I do see it going somewhere far, and last week she told me that I am her girlfriend, so I guess that means i'm off the market.


Im done with college, and now Im jus working, we are supposed to go on a trip to nyc soon, me and her, and some friends.. but im not totally sure if that's gonna happen, my pockets are hurting something severe. sooo.. I might not even make it to ohio next week, even though I really wanna go.. but I doubt that I make it. idk.

I want a new cellphone badly.

imperfection: an imperfect detail; flaw: a law full of imperfections.

imperfections make you perfect. in a perfect world you would be you, with no quirks and or problems, but due to the world being imperfect you are imperfect. and with imperfections come lessons, and learning and true growth. and when you realize that you can't do everything and save everyone you realize that you are flawed bueatifully, and that whatever powers that be want you to be that way, and whatever and whomever you are into are going to love you for you. and should love you for you... If and only if you accept that you aren't goign to be able to save the world... because you can only take life one day at a time..


love. live. Life.

sometimes

Sometimes I care..
But for the most part I don't.

For me relationships are horrible.. I can never figure them out..
Maybe it's me...
Maybe it's them...
Maybe it's us...

None the less.. it's still a difficult thing.

When and if I ever get back into a relationship.. I want the person to truly care for me.. not what I have...
For the person to be into me and just me...
Not running over me...

Cause it seems like this is a re-occuring pattern for me...

Blah.


I jus want someone to be cool with my quirks and things about me that no one knows....

I stopped looking a long time ago..

But really I jus wanna quit..

All together...

And jus ignore whatever pops up..

Because once I do love it's hard...

And who wants a broken heart...

Or to be bitter..

I jus wanna be better...


So untill the opprotunity of a loyal person who's jus into me appears... then so be it.. cause the rest of you are on mute....

Applebees

sooo.. yesterday I went to applebees, with this girl.. she's skinny, and cute.. buncha hair.. and she smiles alot... she's not sure if she likes girls.. Idk if she's sure.. well, I mean it's clear that she isn't sure.. but I wonder if she would be remotley intrested in me.. that apple bee's has my tummy hurting...

or maybe imma be thrown into the friend zone...idk.. blah...

but yeah.. I kinda cleaned my room.. it looks nice.. my mom says it be cleaner...


omg.. why am I watching general hospital.. booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!


anyways off to play wii with ciggy and the applebee's loving skinny girl.. LOL.

long time no see..

Hey..


what's up?

so it's been a while since I posted anything, due to my busy as a bee thing I have going on, but How are you? LOL.

anyways, so I think that I am doing well.. me and my sister talked today and she's not happy with school.. and to be honest, school isn't for everyone and even if she never went back she would still be my sister, and I still would love her, to no end....


women..

so as of recently I have been putting myself out there, trying to see what's out there, and I met a few people, but it's kinda hard keeping so many conversations, up. I'm jus chillin right now, jus got friends and I like it like that, because to be honest I don't know what I want.. I jus know I want to be single for now, nobody hasn't caught my attention long enough, for me to want to be with them.... except.. well the girl in previous blogs, but right now I still care abt her, so it's not fair to benchmark other people due to how I feel about her, so I tell them I want to be friends, because that is what I want to be, and then if something develops then so be it..


I brought some fresh fresh dunks a while back, and I think imma wear them soon, I forgot about them, and some ups that I have.. maybe I'll wear them tommrrow..

I had a get together for my mom on friday, and hung out with some old and new friends, it's been a while since I could actually do that and I loved that everyone was there and was enjoying everyone's company...

I can't go back to sleep..ugh...

untitled

I really need to be sleep, my mom has surgery tommrow, or today cause it's like 3 am or something, idk, who keeps track of time. LOL.

I miss her so much, it bothers me that I miss her as much as I do, I think about her alot, and I jus kinda wanna forget that I do think about her, because if I can forget, then maybe it will be easier.... but I think I am handling the progression of whatever it is well...

been getting lots of love on DL. I wonder why????

I made some food, and didn't even eat it, now it's cold and I have a bump on my tounge, I hate when I get those... hey are those considered tounge pimples? LOL. Idk why I thought about that.


so I miss my homie shellie, she is a homie from way back like first grade back, and even when we were small she was gay, I mean it took me a long long time to get it, but that hoe knew right away. LOL. she used to have a crush on our fouth grade teacher, and speak about her all the time. LOL.

and in middle school we used to rap, and sing, and our fav song was killing me softly by the fugees, man we thought we was the shit.

hooked my wii back up, and since im jus an average joe now, I'm gonna buy games, and waste lots of time doing nothing but playin' my wii.

the heart is an entity in itself, it teaches you new things, and it's teaching me how to love, and be loved, teaching me how to be patient, to be kind, and learn from my previous mistakes, it's teaching me how to recover, how to be selfless, and honest, to be myself, because me in my purest forms, deserves to be loved too, teaching me how to care, and not be so gaurded. so please, for this next journey don't break my heart
-My love letter to my next girlfirend LOL.. If I ever get one-


I am so random, I just re read this and it's all over the place!

so I need to clean my room, but I am compelled to play manhunt 2, cause I can't get past the strip club place, cause IDK how to get in to the door that is gaurded, wtf... bitch open the door so I can win the game! LOL. Imma go buy the strategy guide soon.. LOL..

I like polka dots..

SO I have a wedding to go to soon, and I saw this pant and vest set at Ashley stewart, and I figure its steel grey so imma hit it with some color, maybe some yellow vans, or some royal blue ones, or even some green ones, and a silk scarf for the pocket and if i need one, a tie. maybe.. I wanna be sexy too, all the epps are going to be in their dresses, and well.. we know i'm not doing that, but I can get sexy in my own little way.


okay I wanna play my wii now. BYE.

that girl is ...ooohhhhhh...

yeah that's what I jus heard on the phone.. LOL. Boo to you for waking me up. LOL.


but um.. I wonder if girls see me, and say the same thing, like OHHH.. she is so cute.. LOL

yea... so I was a late bloomer... Lightweight... SO it took a while for me to come into my own, I don't think I'm all the way there yet, but I am way more comfy, and I feel like I look AHEm... clears throat:: Aiight. LOL.

so I wonder what attracts girls to girls as far as looks go, Like does a person have to have a sort of demeanor and or attitude that would make her more attractive, cause I know for me, if your super girly and "quick on your feet" I'm all over it.. LOL. well not all the time, but sometimes... but then again.. it's been a while since soneone had that "WOW factor" on me.....


side bar...

PLEASE GO BUY JAIME FOXX'S ALBUM.. THAT SHIT IS STR8 BABY MAKERS. WORD...


OKAY.

now..


LOL. @ my mom saying: " why the hell everythime I come up here you watching the gay channel"

omg it's so cold outside, IDK if I am going anywhere.... HAppy birthday ryan's mini twin... LOL. member when rachel had dookie braids ryan? LOL. they have come along way boy, they are both women now! smdh... I might have to kill someone.


well Imma try to lay down.. OMG. I hate being sick.

feelings

I don't know why I am so aggy..

maybe it's because.. i'm sick. maybe I jus don't feel well.. maybe my period is coming..

I am jus tired.. and so many things on my mind..

ugh.. blah blah blah...


I left work early. now I'm going to bed...


women... ah. gotta love it.

work of art.

My tattoo obession is beginning.... I want a few more tats...
because I told my homie


" the next time I take my clothes off, I wanna be a work of art.."

and I mean that..

I cannot wait to get this bills in order so that, I can jus get my tat game up, like I really wanna be able to be a work of art. and I feel like they are an expression of who you are as a person. and what you stand for...



my sister.

is the coolest, she gave me some money today, maybe she's growing up. I really appricate that she appricates me enough to help me when I need it.


I still wanna do it. LOL.
but I'll wait...

So she read my blogs yesterday, I wonder what she thought, I hope she don't think that I am crazy.. I just hope she realizes that I really love her, and could care less what anyone thinks... you're one of my best friends... I hope you know that...


Crazy..

well I don't think that I am crazy but I guess I am kinda.. some times... LOL..


I cleaned my room somewhat, and put all the sneakers back in the boxes... it looks good...


and I am not walking, but I am having a party of some sorts for my graduation.. wanna come???



I need a pedicure.

took the night off...

Spending every moment in the studio..
I never said it would be fair..
But when you're all alone, I hope you truly know
how bad I wanna be there

come right here...
sit your bag down...
I took the night off for you....
go ahead and turn the lights off
but keep your heels on...
they fit for what I'm bout to do...

know you hate explaing how you want it done...
Jus be quiet I'll do fine with out your help girl...

A Night Off - Drake ft Lloyd



so this blog is about sex... and emotion...


SO I have been celebate for about a year and a half... and for the most part I have been good...

I havent had sex because I want an emotional connection, not jus boning. but someone who even if we aren't in a relationship we are still cool and can spend time and be good...

but I truly do want a good workout so-to-speak.

but sometimes..I don't want any emotions just for it to be just sex. but unfortunatley I am emotional so random hook ups aren't me...


honesty.

I have this huge issue with honesty and people who aren't honest. I don't lie about anything , or at least I try not to. I hate when people lie, and then forget their lie. ugh..

and for the most part, my nature is to either, confront the issue or totally avoid it.. and when and if these situations arise, I just will stop talking to the person, and or just write you off in my book, and for the most part ppl don't even know I am deadin them..

I am offically done with school. fuck grad school right now. I wanna beeee freee! my mom wants me to walk , and I don't want to I jus wanna be done and work and chill out.. be a wreckless lil camper... but only for a llittle while..


My hives went away.. and I brought myself something nice for valnetine's day..

emotion.

something that is forever going to be there, and never go away. emotions run really high... well for me they do.. when I do care I often care too much.. and that's what ususally gets me in trouble, loving women too much..and sometimes I feel like I am a person that should be loved, and could be loved. but sometimes I am very hard to understand. and maybe one day someone will understand, but for now I'm not going to hold my breath...smdh...


I wanna go to pride in Miami... or do something with myself, I am no longer a college student! yayz!



everthine, evermine, everours... ha... you jus crossed my mind..

Retrospect

I am one of the sweetest people around... If you get to know me.. but occasionally I forget that I am human, and forget about me.. and sometimes when you neglect yourself you forget a lot of things. one of my issues in forgeting about me, is losing touch with my feelings.... which usually leads to a boo-hoo session in my room. or an realization that I haven't been doing something right. or that I am totally wrong for something.

I am not the best person in the world, and someone made a good point to me the other day.. that I am human, and sometimes, we tough guys need mental health days or just time to recoup and get ourselves together.

I have a terrible issue with anger, and sometimes use my agression is used in the wrong way and some people recive the brunt of this anger. hence why I like being by myself. and I'm probally going to be forever by myself.... but I really don't mind that. because at the end of the day, me as a flawed individual is all that I can offer. and all that I can give..


FTD can go suck a dick, I plan to hate on them every chance I get. the fuckin suck at selling flowers.

Annoyances.

Here's a list of things that I hate...

1. When people wake up being haters. why the fuck does it matter when and what and where I am doing stuff. stop raning on our parades.. bitch

2.When people make promises that they can't keep.

3.When people lie and say they gonna call you back. and they don't.. jus don't say anything.

4.When my friends are sad!

5.When I feel like I am being used. Which usually makes me wanna never talk to you again.

6.When my heart overrides my logic.. and I end up a broken-hearted suka for love...

7.When people come to my house and try on my shoes.. they are mine, so please just look at them, don't put your feet in them.

8.I am beginning to be annoyed with women period. so yeah add that to the list too....

9.For my food to touch.

10.Too deal with my feelings. Sometimes, I would rather be silent and not talk to a person, over talk it out and deal with the emotions that may potentially come with it... yeah it's fucked up.. but very true...

11.For the cereal and milk at work not to be in the properly assined places...

12. To go to work early becase other people didn't want to come, btw I have only called in twice in almost two years.

so that's a list. and it's will probally be revised...


at the end of the day... I always try to remember, that everything happens for a reason, you live and learn, and apply them to the latter of you life, and that all of God's gifts aren't cherished as they should be, but because I am one of his gifts, I will be fine <3...

Later days....

MY own worst ENEMY.

my multi tasking skills are going to be tested, I am playing poker and trying to write this blog. lol..

here we go.

so I think when it comes to relationships that I maybe my own worst enemy. sometimes I get scared and say things in hopes that it will push the person away, knowing that I want them around. but then sometimes I don't give a shit. and sometimes I wish i could turn the I dont give a shit filter off...

for the most part I am a decent person, but in certain situations insecurities appear, and sometimes it's not a good look. Like I think all the time that a person could possibly not like me for me... Im moody, chubby, a bit socially stunted and a list of other things. so sometimes I do wonder if these people like what they see or just me. but that's just sometimes, for the most part i'm preeettyyy sure of myself and maybe that's what they like.. either way I jus wanna be cared for how I care for these people ... when I love I do it hard and would give someone the world if I had it... but sometimes it's hard for me to let that gaurd down and potentially be hurt....... so... now i'm stuck and i possibly could be putting myself here in this positon.


anyway... I am kickin ass in this poker game.
tell me why my mom is maddd pumped about her new phone that she don't know how to work.lol. she was getting all mad like " why don't all the numbers show up?" and I told her cause she didn't put the area codes in... and she says " man fuck this phone.that's bullshit. technology sucks.. when i had a razar, I ain't have to do all this shit" lmao. mom <3!


i don't know what to get my sister and mommmy for vday... ideas?

on point.

my cardigan is on point.
I'm growing up.
My fone is trippin..
I feel good about all that.

But for some reason, I feel like my friends and or people around me are having all types of problems...


but I been feeling good. work is going well, I had some fun this weekend, I'm broke but hey sometimes money isn't everything.


I think me and HEr can be friends.. I think...


So what did you guys do for valentine's day last year, I need an idea something fun.. ya kno?

well that's it for now.

my achy breaky heart

Something says keep talking to you and stay cause maybe one day you'll realized that I am 1A.

but I mean maybe not, I mean, I don't know what and when it happend but I am for sure that you mean the world to me, and it sucks cause I don't know what to do about it, and I understand your reasons, and at the same time, your reasons are superfical and lame, you can see how I feel...


but then again maybe that's not enough... man I asked you to be my valentine... cause I really want you to be my valentine..

I jus am one of those people who don't do emotions well and not that I am a huge amount of these emotions, I don't do well. I don't like this, I don't like that she can affect my mood like this, and for the most part when and if something such as MY feelings get this heavy, I tend to leave or find a reason and break it off. but I decidied to stick this one through, and maybe this was one I shoulda left alone a long time ago, and I only have my self to blame for this, but hey.. I guess that's what you get when ur a sucka for love ((danity kane plays)) LOL.

and on top of that..

I think I am still having bestie issues.. I don't know why and what it is but it just don't feel right. I mean I love my bestie to death and maybe it's just the lines of communication are fucked up.. Idk but I don't think I realized till today how sensitive I really am, yeah, I front like I'm a tough guy but I really am sensitive, a lot of shit people say to me bothers me alot, but I don't let them know. but yeah I am a big softee. lol.


My big heart can't take heartbreak, and sometimes I just feel like too many people need to be loved, and maybe I can help them..


ALONE time.
I have been craving this, and today I got it, I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go to work, it's been really cold and my ashthma has been buggin the heck out. so I stayed in and layed down all day and go some sort of rest in hopes that the old man nasty cough would go the heck away, it didn't but I do feel alot better. maybe it was just time for a mental health day.


double kisses.. ohh it was tap your neighbor tuesday yesterday

do you know who BSCOTT Ishhhh???? OMG I love himmmm... please check him out.. LOL.




I'm in lovveee with a stipper...

natural vs. processed hair

SO if you haven't seen me before this, I had a nice likkle faux hawk.. which was pretty sexy but I was in serious need of change, so I cut it off.. and I went from this...



and this..


to this...


and now this...




so I want locs, specifically sister locs which are smaller and more managable and easier to dye and such.. it's pretty long process but I am feeling kinda un-cute. maybe it's because I am not used to the transiton.. but hopefully I will get over it..

so I went from the best processed hair on the planet.. LOL.. to raw natural me.. so I am having diffuclty combing this mess.. lol.. and maybe I'm jus being werid.. about it, but it's growin pretty fast.. so what's u guy's take on processed and or natural hair..

THe reasons RIKO don't like you...

Riko don't like you, cause he knows that Sharda' is emotionally connected to you...
Riko don't like you cause he knows Sharda' is always gonna love you, and is in fact in love with you.
Riko don't like you because he knows Sharda' could be doing GOd knows what with whomever she chooses, but Sharda' would rather be on the phone and deal with you..


When Riko knows there's a slew in line... And Sharda' well she just want's to be with you...

the unfortunate thing about that is that I reived the prettiest girl in the world sydrome with you... and now I can't get rid of it.. but I am working on it, and the more that I push away, I think the more that I end up finding out that you are where I want to be..... but unfortunaltey the feeling isn't mutual, so I will let riko continue to hate you.. and try not to think about you much... LOL....



blahh goes the Lioness...

prettiest girl in the world

so my ex booski used to be to me at least the prettiest girl in the world, when she walked in the room I would just stop and stare... btw that's how someone should know if I like them, If I stare at them... and she stopped being the prettiest girl in the world, I dunno when, but it's deff not there anymore, I think I will always care about her, but there's a new pretty girl, she looks great in sweats...


I just had a talk with the pretty girl by the way.. we had a convo, and it seems like that it's easier said than done to get over someone.. like I know I gotta move on and I plan on doing it.. cause I think I got over the hurtful part... but with all things time heals all wounds right??

so I am hugley behind on all of my homework and have no urge to do it. I think I am burnt out from school... I jus don't wanna do it anymore, I wanna jus work and build up some paper or something, but tommrow is deff homework day.. all damn day.. I gotta catch up or imma be fucked up... LIke forreal forreal.. i think imma turn the phone off... cut myself off from civilization ...


how are you today...

ryan I think I have the gift of gab.. I think I am spittin murder to the mami's B! LOL..

whooo rico is sooo sweet to me. lmaoo....

I love pandora.. it makes my day...

I am sleepy...


pride..

so if you guys don't know I am a memeber of an wonderful sorority, OMICRON EPSILON PI ((www.oepi.com)) it's a sorority for feminine lesbians, and I'm not a girly girl but I don't Identify with the stud population, not in to labels I'm jus me

so someone says that I don't have pride in my org. then nobody will respect me... but I am very proud....and where I am I have no sisters here, I miss them much, and I am happy that I am who I am I have been fightin for me and to be me for years... So jus let me live...

on my mind.

Heavy like a ton of bricks...
You're on my mind.
I wish you had the time
To see me for me. What I wanted us to be.
But still your on my mind.
Heavy as a ton.
Wishing I was the one.


Yeah heavy shit yo. But yeah Riko is in the. Building. I really feel like there's no reason to put myself out there anymore... I am tired of offerin up my heart... so I figure I get out here wit dese bitches.. yes I said bitches... shallow bitches...lol... and do me for a while see what my nice scorpio swag gets me. Cause its clear these women don't get me. If they got me they would have got me, and not forgot about me(((oooh spittin bars)))


What happened to dylan?
And the original band???

I am sleepy and it's mad cold out..

So I plan on being selfish for a while.. I'll let u guys know how it turns out...



Blamo!

bop and sway.

so as I bop and sway to songs on pandora.. I am thinking about so many things...

so how bout i haven't spoken to her in a while, she hasn't even crossed my mind like dat...

trickin is overrated....


so my friends are mad at me cause I feel like i shouldn't have to pay for shit. I mean it's 2009 and it's not like I don't got it cause do i just feel like so much shit is based on material things. and Yeah i'm fresh but how bout you dig the mind and what that has to offer before you dig in my pockets...lol.


so I had the coolest convo with a internet friend, and i think she's gonna be a regular friend. she seems super cool.. now I have always had an issue about internet friends cause they always end up being weirdos or crazy.. but ehh.. everyone is a lil crazy.... but well see how it develops... so far so good....


My name is sharda'

shar-dayyy, not sharduuuh. shawndra. sharda' sometimes I like duh cause it jus sounds good, cause everyone says sharduh so i adapted it that, but if you're not calling me that then your ass should be calling me sharda'


omg chocolate women, I have an obsession with chocolate women, tweet is so dark, and kelly rowland's skin is wonderful, I just like women, big booty judy was pretty too.. and so is LJ. well they both are still kato-mate.. lmao.

so I have come to the conclusion that my car, thomas, is on its way out the door. i gotta get him fixed, he's the only man I love deeply and fuck with on the regular. lmao..


I wanna color. I need new crayons.

night..

BIG LOVE

sooo.. yeah big love came on today, I missed it..... so now I am up, watching it...

SO I listened to slow jams all day and was very very productive at work, i'm proud of myself!!!


sometimes I wish i had someone to call and say : "hey bae! I finished this and that at work, and this and that..."

or crawl in the bed and drop a few forehead kissess and catch some body heat...


"stupid cupid stop picking on me" LOL.


SO i think That I am a visual learner, if you don't know there are three types, visual , kinestetic ( doing or repition) and auditory... well actually I did a project on it, and it was awesome i got a good grade on it...

I still miss her.. but I don't miss her... but hey I don't know what I wanna do with myself half of the time.. blah blah blah...

off too bed.. got mucho shit todo

context.

Sometimes things can be taken outta context. Someone says something and their feelings get hurt or just something blowin outta porportion.

I had this friend. Idk maybe I can call her that we used to be supa cool and somethings were taken outta context and we actually hung out today.. we haven't hung out since like ocotber, but it jus reminded me on how cool she was.. but at the same time I feel like I should be cautious.... I never have been one to talk shit behind a persons back. And I hate that ppl do that. And I am one of those people if I sense slightly.. that ur on sum bullshit.. I leave it alone. I either take something head on or avoid it. And it's crazy... it's jus how I am. I don't like to argue....


But anyway



Love is love..

So I was on downelink and encountered a transgendered "woman" who was into women, and she was absloutley bueatifu and looked as if she was a woman. I think that I an a pansexual, or maybe not, I just find it intresting and she seems cool, I haven't actually like spoken to her, but I looked at her's and a few other of her friends profiles that are transgendered as well..... I am attracted to people or jus love people.. I am intrigued by the transgendered culture.. and the aspevt of being one gender and mentally feeling or identifying with another. I want to get to know her cause I can learn from her.. cause I think that is awsome if I can learn anything from anyone... I wanna be around you. That's why I love my OEPi..cause they teach me something new everyday!

Www.oepi.com

Ahhh.. the life of an epp.. fantastic...

Flight of the Concords.

SO as I sit and watch Flight of the concords, and wish that my cell phone wasn't cut off one way.. I begin to worry...


I miss her....

and I miss human contact... Like.. This celebacy thing becaomes daunting sometimes, but I really feel like it's worth it. sometimes sex complicates things, and you forget about a person's inner being when you look at someone as an object, or just for lustful reasons.

hence, I never want to take anyone for granted, even tho sometimes I do forget and become self centered. I try not to, I'm evolving, and sometimes, it's best to do that alone.

I really would like to be alone, just do nothing, with no one, and just not be bothered, but right at this second, I kinda wish my text messages were going off like crazy.. but that is a rare occation.. I want to jus be around people... but in about fourty minutes, that need for human contact will subside.. lol....

I dont know sometimes I just really like being alone, and not bothered by anyone.. my mind is sooo cloudy sometimes, and for the most part I try to keep my feelings, shortcomings, and insecurities to myself.. cause sometimes you just want someone to listen, and not judge and just sit there and nod.. lol..

I think that's why I chose this blogspot thingy.. cause it's anynomous....


well.. beddie bye bye..

my shirt is lime green.

yep. it is.. and im thinking about power napping. so for the past few days I have been really really really really agressive. like a straight asshole. just on some other shit, and I would have to admit, some ppl didnt deserve it but then again, some did...

I am tired. and cranky... also very worried about a lot of things that are out of my control, why do people do that, worry? I wonder who named this feeling that you get when you worry.

the only thing I didn't worry about today was my lime green shirt. hmph. who woulda thunk.

I miss myself. and I think 2009 is the year of self. I gotta do me and make me happy... I gotta get myself together. asap. I gotta move outta rochester, and just be on my own and be happy with me and all of the things in my life..

less is more.

when you give someone time to miss you, it means more...


I like the concept of minimum...

Like how I wish i didn't have a ton of clothes cause... this room would be clean by now.

So when I was in ohio, I read this astrology book.. the book was very accurate! what the heck do they do to figure this stuff out???

cause for the most part it's true..

I need an edge up...I cannot wait for this hair to grow back. so it can be loc'd up. I have mucho homework to do. and some other things to do, but imma go to sleep for a while then get back at it..


thanks for reading.. i'll edit later.. LOL.

Sincerely

sincerely..

I apologize. for not being easy to understand, and with that meaning that we couldn't understand each other..

I wanna say sorry for the mistakes that I have made, cause like you, I am human, and sometimes it's harder to forgive myself that it is to forgive you, anybody, just hard to forgive myself.

I don't know what to do sometimes, and I still get nervous when people come around, I still feel like maybe I missed some important part of my social skills somewhere... I still feel like nobody will ever be okay with me and the way that I am, and maybe I am just that much of a jerk, that I am going to be lonely forever.

I just hope for 2009 to be a better year for me, I just need it to be a better year, a better time, and just for me to gain and learn more, and jus praying for a better me...

uhhh

So it's a new year! So I brought it in drunk. And while everyone was asleep I was talking to myself... I never really realized how mad I was about how fucked up 08 was to me and my family.... and how much I am in need for a change.. a Big change.. I'm glad... things have changed..and I need to do what I need to do.... things. Really need to change.. like really ...

Things have changed.. and 23 years is a long time.. but it's a lot of learning too.. I can't even fathom how I got here... and what happened to make me feel this way...and what do I need to do to change it???
So what's next.. cause I don't know...


Well wishes to all of you.. cause 2009 is here.