bullshit....

So... I just been bullshittin.... Alllll dayyyy this is great... Been watching movies all day and i love it.... I had a steak sub.. Smoked a few times... And now im in my pj's and go to dunkin doughnuts and fall out.... I havent had a relaxing day like this in a while... I love lazy sucessful days....they make the best memories....I'm feelin like nothing could bring me down today.... Cudi on deck... Smiles on deck...just a positive vibe all day long .... Mondays is one of my fav days..

you shouldnt wear ur heart on your sleeve...

I shouldnt. it hurts that we may never be together again... And all i feel is guilt... I did my share of things.. Like i ran in my own way from it... Because i was terrifed of someone being able to affect me this much... And now im here... Andmy running has made her push... Away.. To be angry, and resentful of me... I never wanted that... My fear.. Has put me in a position i never wanted to be in.. Has made me insecure... Scared... And coinstantly doubt myself... It made me feel like it was impossible for her to love someone like me... And maybe it is impossible to... The emotion that i have vested here...

Wont happen again... I am terrified of this feeling... I am my hardest critic... Indeed it takes two.. But i feel soley responsible for the failure of my relationship.. I feel like Im self destructing. I feel like I shouldn't care as much... because when you make someone youre everything, when it doesn't work out.... you feel like you don't have anything..

I wonder if she is going to miss me... Or if shes just happy shes free of me...

This wound is going to take a long time to heal...


All i want is to get right with her... For us to get right... And now. I doubt it will ever happen...

Sigh...

I guess im not supposed to win all the time...

Yikes..

I won't dedicate anymore any blogs to her... time for me to get right..

song of the day....

A Little Bit Remix (Ft. Drake) lyrics

Hands down Im too proud for love
but with eyes shut its you im thinkinq of
but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losinq
so i just iqnore you yeah ooooh
but your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind oohhh
and maybe in time,in time, in time i'll tell you ima

chorus
a litle bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
i guess that Ima little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you!

i know you told me break their hearts
but its you i wanna take apart
and i would never ever be the first to say it
but still i they know i-i,i,i

I would do it
push a button
pull a triqqer
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff cuz your my baby
i love you- love you just a little bit

I would do it
you would say it
you would mean it
we could do it
it was you and I, not only I,I

chorus
i think ima a little bit- little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're a little bit- little bit
a little bit in la la la la love with me!

I hope they never find out
what they already know,know,know
as soon as its official we'll have to let it go,go,go
so we dont confirm the flinq
keep avoidinq all the questions
yu can teach me many things
im just scared to learn a lesson

Rap-
the pressures on both hearts beat like a metronome
both in sync like a justin song feels so right but its just soo wronq
i wonda what my world bout when niqqas that i know tryna take my qirl out
and her friends say i aint the one to go for
she just jeaouls cuz you always get approached more
oh well tell her fall back
caught up in some more shit tell her call back
tell her get a man that aint cheatinq on her ass with a girl that i know
yeah tell her all that- that
and as for you i think i know your the one
the closest ive come im privately a..

chorus
a little bit-a little bit- a little bit in love with you
i guess that im a little bit- a little bit
a little bit in love with you.

friday .... september 25th

So I woke up.... And decided that I'm still going to write because if I don't ill probally go insane. Today was my anniversary.... And on top of a list of other emotions and personal issues at home and otherwise.... I just don't feel like a winner today..... I got into it with her last night about what I tell people.... And truthfully I don't tell much all the shit we done been thru you would think she would know that.... The source of my previous posting today was due to a discussion with her and her saying she would never come around my mom or sister.... Or my friends becausei guess she feels I tell them too much.... But I don't... Nobody knows what happened but me her and god... When you tell people things they form biases... And that's why I don't... Because some people don't know the difference between just hearing a friend and taking whatever a person says literally.... My mom really cares for her... And for her to say that bothered me... For seven months you were a fixture in my home... And around my important. People... Specifically my mom... Who calls her .... Her daughter.. Nobody in my house would ever treat her bad... They don't have a right to...


- feel overwhelmed... As usual... I'm tired of waking up and just feeling bad... This morrning in particular I feel horrible... And on top of that me and mom"s communication lines are a little crossed today.... So I worry.... And wonder....


Before I started writing this.... I was crying ... But now I feel better... This is truly a form of release therapy...

- wrote a poem for her for our anniversary...
Should I still give it to her...


I'm not sure.... I feel like she could care less... About what happened with us... I told her yesterday.... I don't want her to try anymore if she feels like I can't make her happy.....

ah...

Happy not-anniversary...

I'm gonna watch greys... And then get this day started... Hopefully it can end on a positive note...

wtf :(

what the fuck.
what the fuck.
what the fuck.


Im still feeling super stressed... and truthfully this is my main outlet. when I write it helps me feel at ease. when I was smaller my anger would consume me to the point where I would black out.. and Had to seek anger management.
but now I guess... I won't write what I feel anymore.. or skribble the awkward thoughts I am feeling. my anger management advisor... in the 8th grade gave me a note book.. I wouldn't talk to him. and it stopped me from fighting people. and being an asshole.

maybe I should find another hobby. because if I think it, say it, or write it... it seems to be wrong.

I give up...

Im just feeling. lost. and hurt. like truly hurt. I sit and I stew and suppress issues. and now , unfortunately it's turned me into a huge mess.

because even though Im friendly im very introverted. I go for spans at times, when I begin to feel this way, not speaking to anyone... I am actually thinking of taking a leave from my sorority.. because I don't want to be around anyone in this state. my best childhood friend, said it took years for him to get to know me. my two best friends don't know the things I told her. things that I always kept to myself. those fears, insecurities, and issues... when they ask how im doing. I say fine. just fine. because I don't want to burden anyone... most people call or talk to me for advice... they need me so I choose to just try to work on me, alone...

I quit. Im done blogging.

like.. I thought maybe writing this blog, would help me cope with things.. but I guess not.

I guess it's just me, myself, and I... Minus the notebook.. or the computer screen..

...

solo dolo.

I feel so stressed... so.. like overwhelmed. so much so that my thoughts consume me... I dont sleep much anymore... and I think it's due to all the worry. I am. a. worry.wart.


she used to say I think too much.. and now that I am here writing I think I do... lol..I have a few friends... and they say it too...

worry produces fear.

i wish i could just know what it feels like to have nothing on your mind. just nothing.

not things like:
I wonder if she loves me...
as much as I love her...
Im upset about this i wonder
if she is, or if it even bothers her...
if she loved me...
why would she say that...
if she loved me...
why would she do that....

I wish that it could have continued forever. but i guess it's just not meant for us...When I say this is a love that I have never had, it truly is, the wave of sadness on me is different from anything I have ever felt before...anyone else I befriended after... but I don't think I could be friends with her.. I am so attached, and feel more than even I thought I could imagine. I do things and say things so differently. I handled her differently from any woman I have ever dated.EVER...UGH. I love her.so. much.


and a list of other emotions... and feelings and worries.. no matter what I do, those above questions blurr into my thoughts...I don't want them to. I should be sure. like everyone else. Im sure I want to be in it for the long haul.... but I ask if she is and worry... and worry.. and worry...

and then...

back to what I was originally doing.

words. are just words. but words leave a scar that you cannot see.

and

then again.. words make you remember who you are.


cheers...


I really hope this feeling goes away soon..

3:58 am

so yesterday (Monday) was the coolest day..It was relaxing, and the past week or so has been extremely stressful... to the point where anything I ate I was throwing up... I was shaking all the time, and just in constant tears for a week straight... Saturday we buried my aunt... and IM glad that part is over... May she rest in peace.....

Maybe I'm obsessive.. someone is playing on my phone. the calls finally stopped. but then I called VZW.. to see if they could help me out with it, the told me to go online... it's cool to see what and when someone makes calls... seeing as though I can see all texts and calls now.. hmmm... this maybe a good or bad thing. me and my ex share an account. I'm tempted to go thru her records... but then that would be childish of me...SO i'm not.. I trust that if it's really like that. she will tell me, cause I would tell her...

speaking of ex-girlfriend. since the last post we have been talking and getting along... up until Sunday night... damn we couldn't even make it like 8 days...all over a question, last Tuesday I asked if we were back together and she spazzed out... like Major, and said no. so feelings hurt I sucked it up and just said hey... i'll enjoy the ride...

So I haven't seen like a really sweet side to her in a long time, and all week she was showing it. Idk I was a little nervous about it... so when on sunday we were talking about money, she said something really sweet and i kinda was threw off.. because she isn't a deep feelings person. it made me feel good.

Oh OH. so here goes why... she posts something on twitter about me being her gf... so I ask when did she ask me out. because last like tuesday she said " did I say we go out, I will say it when we do" so when I asked I guess that offended her something awful. cause we still aren't speaking. Maybe I hurt her feelings... Idk.... But I said Hello today and she was acting stank. but then bbm'd me about our phone bill.. so Idk what it is.. I can't seem to make her happy, and it seems like she always finds something wrong with what I say or do...


It kinda bothers me... and maybe if we are going to stay broken up we need to cut all internet ties... because I see her tweets and statuses on everything I sign in to.. and at like 9:30 it said she was out and about.. with whom.. I don't know, but it kind of bothered me ya' kno? and then two hours later it said "this is great" Idk what she was talking about, but it put a knot in my stomach... Like what if she is seeing someone else? what if she is just mad at me and doing something spiteful, like hanging out with someone from her past. Lets be honest, we haven't been clicking very much. But I honestly do love her.. and I would be sad if she moved on.... it's like... well... this age of technology... it's apparent that you are seeing someone.. and now there's not a trace of "us" on any of her pages at all... she took me off her Myspace, and said I told her to, so that's why she did it... but I was mad, and so what I told you to, I have told you before... and you never did it. but you just did... so I think our time is up... unfortunately. and it's bothering me... but not as much as it was last week.. I guess with time... it does heal all wounds...

Ohhh how I wish that we could just be together... and just let all this bullshit go... just be about us... and I told her that today.. but she was still into her feelings apparently.. so I guess.. it's a wrap for all that.

My mom is like you were good to her, and I believe I was.. and she says she's gonna miss me and the way I treated her... but I doubt it. I doubt that I had that much of an affect on her life, I doubt that she is feeling what Im feeling.. because she broke up with me... Like I asked if we were together because I genuinely want to be..but me wanting to communicate I think always leaves me with my feelings hurt and her laughing at me. or thinking Im a joke.

sometimes... I wish I didn't love her as much as I do.. Maybe it would be easier... and I would write blogs that didn't consist of her...

ugh. back to sleep I go.

first 48.

so I was at seven 11 and this west Indian man was drunk out of his mind.... I asked him if he was okay... and he said no... his daughter was shot down on Hudson ave, she was 12 years old. this is a humbling experience... and for some reason the events continued and ended around 7 pm today.

So in the last 48 hours, I got a phone call from my grandma... saying my aunt is in hospice, this by the way is one of my favorite aunts in the world, she's a balls to the wall woman, she's hilarious and always made me smile. life of the party type of woman, someone who has been thru things and learned from them... she had stage four colon cancer... I said I was going to go tomorrow, but something said to go today... so I smoked because I threw up when my grandma called... because I was so stressed due to other things going on... I dragged my feet and dragged my feet.. and got in the car and went...

when I got there... she was looking peaceful like she had nothing to worry about. ever watch someone sleep? it was just great.... and then i talked to her, and as soon as I walked to sit down she died. 6:10 pm today... I lost someone who was a foundation of my family, a rock.... just like the rest of the black women in my life.. someone I would never be able to compare to, someone who I aspire to be like, she gave it a good fight.. she was supposed to die over the summer but she made it.... and I had one last good time with her, I cooked her some fish and broccoli, and she gave out the best kisses and thank yous for that meal.. I promise I wont ever forget how short life is.. and when I am grouping about life... Ill remember that someone has to fight more to be here, than I do, so stop taking it for granted....




so in the last 48 hours. my relationship is over...


that has me bummed, but all in all i think that maybe it was time to end, even thought I myself didn't want it to... It's really unfortunate. i know it's not all my fault, but i feel like it is.. I feel like maybe there isn't any hope for people like me... The things that happened made me insecure, unsure, and second guess myself. and I shouldn't be doing that. I should know by now that someone wants to be with me for me. and I couldn't see that, and when you are filled with doubt... bad things can happen... Im hurt about it, but what can I do. we spoke today, but you can tell that things are changing, and I do love her alot. and maybe we need a break to mature and grow because I know its stuff I need to change... but maybe it's all for the best...

I sit and think and while I listened to her last breaths that, only god can do this, make someone see what they have been missing, humble you... and change the way you go thru life...

take care guys.