and i hate being here with shit on my mind.... so im sitting here. and thinking out loud so the people in my cubes around me think im going crazy..lol. so im gonna write. cause it always makes me feel better...
yesterday sucked balls but today is going to be better. I spoke to my mom this morning, and told her that im just unhappy, with where i am in life. and it's showing in eveything that i been doing. my most important relationship has failed. but hey. im okay with that. last night i didn't sleep too well but each day will get better... my mom says i need to just let things go. and accept things for what they are. just life in general. I feel like i constantly get the short end of the stick in any situation. and maybe god made it so i did care so much because i need to so someone my big heart. I don't know why but since i could remember, i have never really been too happy. just content.... and now the fact that im not happy is becoming a huge factor. and its showing. my unhappiness is projecting on my loved ones. which they take it in stride. but i mean i don't mean to do that to them.
my mom and Ryan always help me. Ryan by saying the things that im thinking, and my mom for saying things i need to hear to snap back into things. and i think that now it's the time for me to figure out what makes me very happy, even if it is going to the beach and walking around barefoot. i just need to find some happiness... im lonely and i don't think its because i don't have anyone. because before all these changes and my mom getting disabled i was totally okay with being alone. but now the loneliness frightens me, and makes me feel like im going to die alone. when the reality of the matter is im only 24, why should i be worried about a soul mate.
but i worry. about so many things. and when i was with her, i forgot about them. and maybe she was a temporary fix for that. either way i do love her and the fact that she loved me. and loves me. but i don't want her to feel like im a burden to her and me to feel as if shes a burden to me. don't get me wrong she is what i want, but it is what it is and i cannot change that. only time can change my feelings. and maybe we can really be friends. because life isn't about what you had or have. its about the experiences of it all.. so im gonna do what makes me happy which is write. because it always helps me feel like im not drowning. makes things not so intense. after i write i feel so at ease... so at peace. and yes that last blog was about her ... but this one is just an evaluation of myself. and maybe it's time for a change.
I wanna move out, and have my own. and i feel like thats the biggest issue thusfar. i feel stifled and suffocated. i want so much to be independent but i feel that i can't do it, or im just scared. I know if i had to i would. but do i need to? YES.
i just need to make some changes. I feel like my self worth had crumbled. and i just feel overwhelmed. i don't care about my haircuts. unless she brings them up... i wanna be better and do better just for myself. because when i look in the mirror i don't see great anymore. I just see mediocre.... i don't wanna go too deep into this shit. lol. bye.
p.s more blogs to come, just found the android app to post blogs. so im gonna go back to daily posts. stay tuned dudes and dudettes.