"Idk, I just can't explain it"

so yesterday I cut all my hair off. Time to go natural, I have spoken about getting dread locks, and I am finally taking the step to do so. SO no more swanky faux hawk. just a brush cut, just raw me. and I like that, cause to me it's just hair, it's gonna grow back, but I just can't want to see the result, cant wait to see the progress. yay.... it felt so good to watch the hair hit the floor. it just made me feel a big rush of releaxation. but the wind is eating at my ears!!!

I cant explain a lot of things that I do, and sometimes i'd like to. Just explain why things aren't the way I planned, or even sometimes why the things I do make no sense. Like for instance, my mom said to me why didn't you do the dishes. and I had no absolute reason, I wanted to wash the dishes, I was home all day, but just never took the drive to wash the dishes. LOL. so you know, I was just like uh. I-D-K. and she just popped me in the back of the head and kept walking... lol.

I wish i wasn't so fascinated with how things work, and just learned how to be, like in the moment type thing, and I am learning, cause it's hard kinda for me, it's either this, or that, no or yes. but I know for a fact grey areas exist, and there are things that cannot be explained at all, it just is or just leave it be. blah.

So I ended up on the phone till about four a.m. talking and stuff. and it's just so bothersome. if i could just not care, I would be good, like totally good. But I do care alot. and it's pretty lame, Idk, if she's just non chalant about everything, but I really really care, like I really wanna be with her, in every sense of the word. "Be".Like just be. Like lay in the bed all day on a saturday, and watch cartoons, and eat cereal. Just be. the sorta thing, where nobody I see in the room matters just you, just be.... the type of thing the surpasses a time, place or anything superfical, or shallow... just you and me= us .. yeahhhh I know my calculus. LOL.

but I wish I could explain it, it's not about sex, it's a conncection that I have with her that I don't have with anyone else, how we can fuss, but still be on the phone for hours, and we totally forget why we were fighting. I have never been compelled so much in my life to get someone to stay... and I so want you to stay, I so want you to realize that little things, just those list of stupid things, don't matter, why can't we just be.......together? I want to minimize the gray area. you know? if we aren't going to be together, just make it so we can truly be friends, and none of those feelings that I have exisit anymore. just feelings of straight friendship. but I don't know how long that is going to take.... lord... I hope I can do this soon..

I just wish she knew how serious I was about her, and getting to know each and every facet of her, just what makes her so bueatiful. and just learn and be there with her, for her, just in her presence, because she is truly something that was unexpected to me, and when the powers that be place something or someone in front of you... you should cherish that. so if it is just a friendship... then i'll take it.

I wanna learn how to make purple sticky rice, and mango with coconut sauce, it's my absolute fave thing to eat in the world .

so late night convos have me super sleepy.. I think imma go back to sleep now. cause I can barley hold my eyes open, and I just wanted to express that, so that I could go back to sleep, it was weighing my brain down. LOL. I just wanted to get it off my chest.