laying in the dark.

So I'm laying in the dark. I hear the tv. But imma turn it down.. so.. my mind is kinda wanderin because I don't know what to do. I love her. And.. well we fight so much. But like we have a good week and then a horrible fighting spree. I invited her over.. and it's still weird. Maybe I'm the reason we fight. Maybe my gaurd is up. But I mean I think its down I say things I normally don't and don't have the absoulte urge to call her all kinds of bittches.. I usually woulda been cussed her to no end and that woulda been that. Maybe my attention span is lacking.. but I do wanna be there. And when we fight I don't. I dnt like confrontation. And I do see a future. But I mean...






Blah.

So. I am off for the summer what to do? I wanna road trip but I'm broke. I wanna do some stufffffffffffff.. idk. Gimme sum ideassss.. please. I wanna finish tatting myself too.. work of art. Hopefully. I can do it big this summer but I got some time and I need to hustle up...for the raging bull 5 packs... may 30 ... time is ticking away.. my mom wants to throw a bbq for her bday I wanna get sumthin nice. Idk.


Ideas please...


Later dayz.. hey wat happened to the weekenders cartoon. I liked it.

long time no read...

Sorry subscribers.. I been busy. But now that I'm off work for the summer means more time to think and write... isn't that great? LOL.. well much of nothing has been going on.. jus chillin. Working on finding a summer job and shit like that.. but overall I think I'm good... I have a girfriend.. and its actually a sucessful relationship... when we aren't arguing. Which I mean we don't argue that often.. but yeahh.. I guess I lost a friend too.. cause for some reason she thinks everyone is out to get her.. and idk if I wanna put up with that.. oh well fck it!

So... my life has been pretty good. I miss my sorors but.. pretty good.. I have neen thinking and money really doesn't make ther person. You can have tons of cash and everyone is still gonna think ur a dickwad... but its you and your actions that make you loveable or jus help you make your way in this crazy world... I jus feel like who you are shouldn't be because of what you have.. but what you have done for the world....


Soooo maxwell.. is hawt.. and I dnt even like the fellas.. he's soooo swave..::snap snap:: 7/7/09 I will be in line to buy his album! Yay! This dude helped me thru one of the most traumatic years of my life... 8th grade... him and layrn hill.. music really saved my life.. and I will be forver greatful to music for helping me out....

So.. what I really came to talk abt.. insecurities... so why do they exist? What happened to make you feel infenior? Why do you want to be looked at in a certain light or be on someones list of approval?

"It's over and done, but the heartache lives on... inside" -destiny's child: emotion-

Pandora is the best.. esp on my bbery! :)

Anyways..

What makes you insecure.. love? Life? Or jus circumstances that we cannot control? Is it the urge to be loved? Or were you jus not loved enough? Cause I find myself being insecure every once and a while, or jus second guessing myself..... for what I don't know...last night I had a moment.. and it's crazy how she can read my mind.. and ask what's wrong. She always knows when something is bothering me.. always.. I can't even lie. Lol. She jus keeps asking.. and. It drives me craxy because sometimes I jus wanna be left alone in my thoughts...


Omg pandora is the truth. Yooouuu brrriinnnggg mmmeeeee jjooooyyyyy...SING IT ANITA! LOL


Anyways..
So what do you guys think... what makes someone insecure? Cause I have no idea what brings up my insecurities....




Love....live...give...life...

Sharda'.Latrise.

ugh

STOP


SENDING

ME

OBAMA

FORWARDS


WHAT THE FUCK.

is it me???

is it me? really? maybe Im jus destined for failure in these relationships, because it seems like I fail at them all the time...

trust is something you should have, and I know it takes time for you to earn it, but what didn't I do for you not to trust me, I have not been anything like your past endeavors, for you to treat me as such.

and my issues with gaurding myself have proven to be a whole 'nother can of worms. I feel as if i keep myself garuded that I can keep myself from being hurt, so I want to leave before anything bad happens like me getting hurt, which isn't gong to get me anywehre, and I feel like is a terrible defense mechanisim. but when you are a feeling, living, breathing individual, there comes a time when you have to stop doing that. and face your fears. and maybe some day soon I can actually do that, just let my garud down and hope for the best. I really don't wanna fuck this up, but it seems like I am going to fuck it up royally.

stalker alert.

so my stalker im'ed me and was like yo. you go out with so and so, and Im like how the heck did this bitch find out about me and my girl? she's crazzzyy! she like she love me and she dont know me, and she don't know shit about me, I treated her good, but what the fuck. I liked you but you dated my friend like a week before you met me. what the fuck. and you mad. for what? live your life hoe.

love me long time.

so.. yeah what's up with this people liking me all of a sudden now that I have a girlfriend? the mami's wasn't checking for me before and now they saying shit like please give me another chance. and Im jus shocked by it. when I was there willing to put my all in to these shitty people hoping that they would love me back, it wasn't happening, and now you have a revelation?

whatever.

but I also feel like maybe I am too nice sometimes, and that I have been taken advantage of. and I jus hope that someone will see that one day I am someone who deserves the same treatment that I give out. and maybe someone will realize that. but untill then I guess im jus gnna be chillin here.

the skinny girl means a lot, but idk if this is what she wants, sometimes....

Idk i jus feel like someitmes, i jus don't have it in me. my friend said to stop being so negative about love and all dat ... but idk

sometimes a person is nothing but their past encounters, and sometimes those encounters make you build walls, and forgive me for fighting you, but my heart isn't for sale, unless i find that you are deserving of that heart. yes, it's cold and unfiar, but sometimes, it's best....

the fucked up thing is, that I might miss out on my blessing trying to fix my heart. but Im workin on that, one day at a time, and she seems to want to work with me and help me help us, which in turn we are helping each other, which is a good thing. I have yet to get tired of hanging with her all the time, and that's a good thing, cause I have the shortest attention span ever...


I wanna doo it. LOL.

see that's exactly what I mean.. where did that come from.

so me an ryan started a new blog, called the nice guy vs. the jerk, and it's pretty much our point of veiw on life. lol. this should be intresting.

later days.


blahh goes the lioness.

why

am I awake?

I still feel like shit! geesh. and I have post nasal drip so I am very unhappy in the mornings sometimes. and I'm really tired actually! I jus washed my hair, and I really don't feel good..

SUPERfical.

so. things like the internet and such bother me.

why do you think I would be compelled to care about a status on myspace, facebook, or aol inst. messenger.

you would think that I know better and I do, but due to the hegemonic society.. I sometimes succomb to this, such as being bothered by statuses on any of the three things I forementioned.

I don't care for the most part, but it's unfortunate when you do. because to a person that is into all of these things, what you do speaks volumes about you and your character. for a person that spends hours at a time uploading countless photos and posting comments, and such, that would matter, but to me it doesn't and sometimes it does, it urked me a tad today, but...


my point is that if your world revolves around it, then it will be come a destruction, these sites are supposed to be hobbies, not an obession, and when you do feed in to the bullshit that is america's way of communication, then you fail. why would I care about that, yes, the internet tells you a lot of things, but it cannot tell me how I feel about "you"

If you feed in to the things that I guess people are into, then you are doomed to be forever sterotyped, and catergorized. peopole don't even write letters anymore. shit, I text my mom and she stays a floor below me. wtf?!??!? I have be come lazy in doing what I do to express myself and or even jus being vocal about my needs and or wants for my life. blah...


it seems as though I may want to delete this "sites" jus for my own good. shit.....


I really do like the way things are going...


blah goes the lioness.