she's a bit..

Intimdating.

she intimitades me, it makes me a lil uncomfortable, I jus wish I could say whatever, and be cool.but I'm so nervous about it. I'm so nervous...

Why am I so nervous? I really like her, but I guess I have been thrown in to the friend zone.. which sucks, and I'll get over it, hopefully sooner than later, Riko needs to come out... I need to get out of my shell, diamond says life is no fun for turtles, I really wish it wasn't so hard for me to do this, so hard for me to speak up...

I'm socailly akward, I don't know why.... and it bothers me when she speaks about other people, cause I wish I could just like kinda un-ravel, just be me, I wish i could really put this huge gaurd down, or these shitty ass defense mechcanisims, cause they suck mucho balls yo.

Like when they don't matter I talk, I'm cool and shit, but man this one, and the last one who made my heart skip I couldn't even figure how to say hey you mean the world to me. I wanna make you happy, ya kno???


this shit is so werid, I guess i'm coming in to my own, but geesh how long is it gonna take, for me to be a cooler individual on the dating side of things, my friends love me but i guess the shorties don't, and the way i feel maybe they should... diamond says "if the bitch don't like you then she wack" lol. she's my biggest supporter, mainey loves me too.. well all my boos love me much... I just really don't know at all how I am supposed to do this dating thing, and it seems like when i meet em, My feelings build a whole heck of a lot, and then I'm left with my feelings alone...

I dunno what I am doing wrong, and wish I could be like oh well forget it move on, that usually is my plan, to do that, but then, I just dwell and fucking ewwwwwwwwww..... what the hell... blah.. blah........

I'm hungry... I want some taco dip.. MOM! where are you when you are needed?!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!

lol....

"you cant be a turtle, turtles have no fun"

that means I need to get out of this shell, maybe show people more of me, and just be more open to things.

friends

So I don't have that many friends. and the few that I do have, I really care about, and as of recently me and my bestie have been getting in to it. Idk why, but I really do care, she was the first person to even know about my sexuality, LOL. the trips to buffalo, and the first girl I ever liked.. I miss those days, and to be honest, I miss her, a lot has changed in the past few years, and I hope that we havent changed that much for us to not be friends anymore, I just signed on to myspace... and saw her status.. and it evoked a new wave of emotion, I don't have new friends or replace the old ones, but I feel like I'm gonna be replaced soon.. and that's gonna suck, I just am not sure what to do, and I am trying to explain how and what I am doing, but for some reason.. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like by now, she should know how much our friendship means to me, but then again,maybe I am not what she needs right now, in a friend.. but who knows maybe I'm not a good friend in general. this sucks. blah.

being me...

So when I get overwhelmed.. I tend to shut down.. literally....

Stop talking.
Stop responding.
Just stop.

And yeah I know it's not cool.

But I have been doing it for 23 years...

And I'm working on changing.. I really am...

But it's proving to be difficult.

I really don't know why I do it. I jus for some reason avoid it or go head on into it... and usually I tend to avoid the important shit... and attack the unimportant shit. Blah.

Anytime I get emotional about anything.. I always shut down...

And it's usually when the shit really really really counts..

Yea.

What the fuck.

Shit.

Still an emotional. Mess.

That's it for today...

She not crazy, she jus wanna be loved..

**sorry about the laziness on the blog posts. I been busy, and kinda "into my feelings"**

tally hooo! on to the good shit

yeah.. I say that all the time, the ironic thing about love is that it does make you CRAZY! the things you do for your heart are crazy, sometimes you go above and beyond, any and everthing to make someone happy.. just because it makes your heart happy... where insecurities lie, there always seems to be problems, there always seems to be an issue and or unawnsered questions that you may never get awnsered.


People just... wanna be loved... and some people will go beyond the ends of earth to feel loved.... so sometimes, you just do stupid shit, and it makes no sense to anyone but you... you begin to relate to songs that used to make no sense to you....

but i think everyone needs to be loved, not just me you , or she, he needs to be loved too..

one of the biggest armors that you can carry is the sheild to your heart, and if you give it away then someone knows your weaknesses, your insecurities. and what could possibly break your spirit and crush you heart.

things make life easier, and somethings make life worth living, and I honestly feel like life without people that genuinely love you for you, is worthless...

AL Green makes me smile, reminds me of slow dancing in the living room with a boo... LOL.. everyone should try it..


lemme know how it turns out....

I have come to the conculsion, that I need more attention that I let on.. LOL. and that I am truly a fucking brat..

"MAybe she WAs into HEr feelinGS"
emotions are a hard thing to control.. and for a person like me, it's hard to not wear them on your sleeve.. and it's hard not to push someone away cause of my insecurities...and or issues... sometimes you wonder, if youre good enough or if you are tuly being blessed with the people that encounter your life....

so I was on the fone with a friend, and she was mad cause i didn't remeber a particular event, and I am really confused by this, cause she said: " you calimed to like me sooo much but couldn't remeber"

first.
um, just because i forgot never means I forgot about MY feelings for you, cause she know and I know that I did truly care for her...

second.
who the fuck has a perfect memory...

third.
why you trippin we was done four months ago, and when we were done, you choose and told me, that you didn't want to speak to me anymore, and you choose to contact me so what the fuck.. bitch...

fourth.
you're crazy

fifth.
That's why WE don't speak

so that's my list.


Drake... is the best artist ever, him and TREY.. make great things happen...

sincerly.
emotional. mess.


see you tommrrow

friday...

Soo it's friday.. and my brain hurts...

Myspace?

So I have noticed that ppl actually stalk other people's myspaces... you should deff talk to the person if you wanna know what's going on... not check ur friend updates.. that's pretty whack..


So I went to a party last night..and it was okay.. my friend was super drunk..and some shady shit was going on.. like whoooaaaaa.. but I hadn't been out inna while so I guess that's how mufukas get down round dese parst..smh..

drinking my emotions.

SO does anyone else do this?


when they are having a weird day they might drink or something....like now. I am super buzzed on bacardi, and trying hard to make sure my grammar is on point. I really really really got a lot on my mind, and I can see how people self medicate, sometimes, you just don't wanna talk, and or think that someone cannot understand,and or just don't wanna bring anyone down with your "problems".


but yeah. so I am watching boys don't cry... and this movie is sooo sad, it's crazy. Idk how hillary swank did this, she is so adrogenous.

I went to denny's today, and it's werid.. she's cool.. but idk, friendship is what I need right about now...

SO I need to bring the new year in right.... I gotta clean up. ttyl.

Smash in to you.

That's what's playing. I am In love with the thought of love....

The endless capacity to forgive, and to actually try to love the pain away, love the tears away, insecurities, and all of the things that make you unique, someone can actually love that like the air that they breathe.

I say all the time "she not crazy, she just wanna be loved"

man do I believe that.

Recent developments, have shown that maybe that I wanna be loved to.

Like the previous blog states, it's taken me a really long time to become who I am, I was later than others, due to god knows what, maybe fear, or just a lil slow period.

and to be honest, I kinda feel like maybe it's not in the cards for me, maybe it's the women I choose, or maybe it's something wrong with me, at the end of the day I know I am one of a kind, one person told me that I am one of a kind, and maybe I am that kind, that cannot be defined... In no way shape or form, will I be out here looking, because when you look things happen that shouldn't happen, and NO I will not rush it, but it seems as though it may not happen for a while. and maybe it's just time for me to work on me.

I do have friends, but sometimes I want an emotional conncection that I do not have with my friends, I don't wanna be someone's "boo" I just want something concrete, a unbreakable foundation.

But alas, it's not going that way. but it is life is something like a learning expirence, so I dig it, and imma keep on going.

"you break up with me everyday"

well, no I don't LOVE... I just don't know what to do about you, well about me and how I feel about you, cause you seem to be good on all of whatever is going on, and I just wish I could be as "Cool" as you. but sadly, I am an emotional scorpio... and i'm working on it, but Eventually my gaurd is going to go back up.

I guess

TRUE LIFE: I'm in love with one of my best friends, and unforunatley, cannot turn it off, while other women are persuing or showing intrest in me, which I find uncool.. what am I to do?

so what do I do?? keep up the late night chit chat? and the boos and stuff, knowing it's not going anywhere? and just keep paying attention to her, and miss out on something possibly, I mean, im not really intrested in any of them, and I am not build to be a jerk off, and date for meaningless reasons, I don't like to waste time.... and also I am one of those people who is super monogomus, so if I am into you, to me there are no other options. nobody else really matters, sad but true.. yeah.. so whatever..

hence the good on lesbians, maybe I need to figure out the glitch in my system.


being open to change, and my resoution to be open, has totally left me open. and with time all things heal, but I wonder what's next for me and this lil ole life that I lead..


I cannot wait to see..


double kisses! have a nice day...