Gramma says....

gramma says when bad things happen to you, you have one day...

one day to feel bad, sad, upset or just not do anything about it... I love my gramma and she is making a lot of sense.....

for about two weeks I have been having a bad week consecutively everyday. And for me bad news is a frequent, but good news if any, even if it's small makes my day... and I have really really been a fucking party pooper. smh! I have had a horrible two weeks... and I don't use much outlets... such as people, so I decided that maybe I should write... good alternative right???

I don't talk to people much, so I decided that I don't really know you... the reader, well....maybe i do.... but anywho...

this is my introduction. to me, and my deep thoughts, and my "little" emotional, sad, miserable, and or a list of large emotions that I feel on a regular basis.... sooo... on to my feelings



GIrl meets GIrl...

So i met you....about three months ago... and you were new, and unexpected...smart, smart-ass, just brilliant, talkin bout the universe and shit, blowing my damn mind... shit...LOL.... but maybe I self- sabatoged. I will be the first to say that I don't know why girls or better yet women like me, and maybe I am just incapable of being sure of myself 100% but hey who is???


the few and far between girls that I have loved... have all taught me things... and I build the feelings super fast, but can't get rid of em' superfast.... feelings by the way. so now... what...do... I do... Im an asshole, I don't have any maners... and i don't pay for dates.. and all of a sudden i am compelled to be a decent kid....Man I wanna buy her flowers, write her poetry, and all that mushy shit like that... oh girl.. I wanna just be around her type stuff.... I wanna know all about your childhood, your favorite color, and your favorite food so I can cook it for you....just wanna sit on the phone and hear you breathe type shit.. LOL. Sucka-for-love shit yes... but hey.. it's happens to the best of us....

I think I love her.. and she....welll.... I would like to think she likes me back... but I think she thinks I am a joke, but hey i don't know how she feels, now a days we don't speak much, and she don't even call no more... buttt..... I do wanna be her friend.. but I mean... what the fuck. who wants to be friends when you see fucking fireworks.... or I spend almost 3000 minutes of my time speaking to you? but she don't see fireworks.. LOL. which sucks.... she sees an asshole. and maybe one day I can dooo dat... with someone.... who sees fireworks with meeeeee... right? or maybe I just think too much, don't have any patience, and missing what's important about all of this, or maybe relationships aren't cut out for me.....

and then...

my defense mechanisim.. shit. Learned behaviors suck.. somewhere along my childhood... I learned that's when it's important.. I ignore it, or try to forget about it, and just shut down. man... And I don't like this.. and by time I come around, most of the time, I have booted myself out of the running... so if I know this, why do I do it, well I am growing, and I am learning that I don't need to do this. and truly want to change. and plan on changing, and hopefully the next one who makes me see stars... I can treat them better, and learn how to communicate better than I do already. cause clearly I am not doing well...


well I think that's a good enough introduction... you think?

bruised.emotional. mess....


see you tommrow.